What next???

[sarahani]

Thank you everyone, I AM making the changes for myself as I realize that I'm not the only one worth saving in this it's my kids too. They deserve a loving parent who is going to be there for them and give them the best I can.

Today was especially a rough day for me…he’s moving on Friday to be closer to OW, Valentines Day is coming up and so is my anniversary. I use to love the holidays because everything was so close together but I’m seeing the negative side of it all now. It hurts so much that the last few months he has before going away for at least 2-3 years he is not spending with us. I missed him so much and I have so many things on my mind that I need to get done because of his absense. There are some positives happening for me though, I started working on my college degree again whereas I probably would have never done if all this didn't happen. I need to get a job now too, haven't worked in 10+ years.

I’ve been reading the links you gave me Cadet thank you, really! I have another question that has been brewing in the back of my mind as I mentioned he is going to be going away for a few years and he will be away from OW other than a few phone calls and letters there is no way they can have any physical contact will their relationship die out and will this time to think things have any positive impact on our R? He is facing some jail time for something he didn’t do which I think has something to do with his depression and I don’t know what I should do at this point? Should I just use the time we have together and make the most out of it before he goes away? I know no one has the answers to my questions just asking for any opinions on what everyone might think.

Thanks

[sarahani]

Ok I need to read something positive on here today. This is tougher than I thought.

He called me twice yesterday 1st time to tell me he wanted to pick up S2 on Friday, I didn't ask questions just said ok. He said kiss my babies for me. Then today I get a call from his sister who tells me he is officially moving out on Friday. I put 2 and 2 together and figured he wants to spend time with S2 because OW will be there and S2 can’t tell me this. Mind you, he has only spent time with S2 once in a year. I'm hesitant on letting him go now only because my dear H denies he has a cell phone because he probably feels he'll be cheating on OW if he gives it to me and refused to tell me where he is moving to. I have told him on 2 occasions that our kids are not to be around OW and I will not let them stay at his apartment especially not knowing where it is. Am I being controlling...I don't think so our kids are small I don't know OW for all I know she can be a drug addict/alcoholic. How do I go about my issue with H where he doesn't feel I'm being a B***** but be firm as well.

So my SIL (his sister) tells me that him and OW have been arguing a lot on the phone lately. On Tuesday she heard him telling her "you ask too many questions, you're getting on my nerves", hangs up on her and doesn't pick up when she calls him back several times. Uhummm, thought the grass is greener on the other side! I don't want to assume things but she said I have a feeling she was asking him questions about you and he got annoyed because he misses you and he feels bad for all he put you guys through. I'm not getting my hopes up that he may be coming to his senses but this is a good thing IMO.

I've been doing so good. I have detached almost completely, never call him, answer only some of his calls, end the convo first, and never ask questions. This is good right? The only questionable thing about the detachment I have is that he has pulled away also he doesn't ask me much or tell me anything anymore.

Does anyone have any opinions on how I should handle the above?

[TulsaTime]

It sounds like she is insecure and controlling and that tends to push one away.

You keep doing the opposite, and GAL!

[Grace_O]

Sara,

My D's are alot older than your kids (D18 and D15)and I still want to know where they are going to be and have a way to get in touch with them. I do not think it is unreasonable to know this info (and quite frankly would think it odd if you didn't). I know you don't want S2 around other woman, leave her out of the equation and tell him you want to have a way to get in touch with him. If he brings her up (as in "you won't let him come b/c you don't want him around her".), let it lie and focus on your knowing how to get in touch with him since he has your son.

I understand you listening to info from your SIL, but it really isn't helpful and it will keep you from really detaching from him.

I have detached almost completely, never call him, answer only some of his calls, end the convo first, and never ask questions.

Sweetie, detaching is more of a feeling (or lack thereof) than it is an action. Your actions will eventually lead you to be able to detach, but I don't think you really are yet.

This takes alot of patience and time. For a long time after my H left, I would tell myself that I wasn't getting my hopes up and that I was truly detached. It took alot of things to get me to a place of not having any expectaions. As far as hope goes, well I have my own philosophy about that.

You will hear over and over to take care of yourself and your kids GAL. Hard when they are young, but it is doable. This is b/c it's all you can control and it helps you to become the best expression of you.

I know you will get more feedback, co take it all in and do what works for you.

HUGS

[sarahani]

Thank you Grace.

I see how that makes sense, I do feel like I have still come a long way wit detaching. My every thought is no longer consumed with him. I still have a long ways to go and I guess I will go at my own pace.

You are right about the talks with SIL, I have tried to have less communication with her as all we end up talking about is H. I do want to hear things and at the same time all they do is really hurt. She has attributed to many blow outs between myself and H. She mentions how he is always on the phone with her and very nice and she knows it couldn't possibly be me he's talking to! I find it very disrespectful IMO for him to do that and for her to allow this. He is still married and the least he can do is be more private about her.

Anyways, on to me. Detach and GAL...that's what I'll be working on.

[PEI]

PEI, you have me crying too now. I came on here to hopefully read some things to help discourage me from texting H. I wanted to tell him this is it, I’m throwing in the towel, I’m done, and I can’t deal with this pain anymore! All this to get a reaction from him because I don’t get anything…nothing really. Deep down inside this isn’t the truth but I felt I needed to hear something from him probably some reassurance but I know it wasn’t going to happen.

Now, about the questions you asked that’s what made me cry because often those are the questions I ask myself and as of yet I’m trying to figure the answers out.

I don’t have anybody that I can really talk to about this because everyone’s response is he is an a$$ and he doesn’t deserve us. Thank you for giving me a wake-up call so to speak.

Sweetie, the answer is ... No. You didn't break him and you can't fix him. Now is the time to look within yourself and figure out how to feel whole by yourself, because you are you.

(((hugs)))
Peace
PEI

[sarahani]

PEI, thanks. So if detachment is a feeling how do I get myself to feel that way. I've been reading way too much and I don't think there is anything specific on detaching.

I take back what I said in the other post about my every thought not being consumed with him, I was wrong. I think I'm a little better about it but still first thing when I wake up until I go to bed are thoughts of him. Mostly anger at what he has put the kids and myself through...they are really suffering.

Maybe someone can help point me in the right direction.

[AntoniaB]

The part where you said "how do I get myself to feel that way" is exactly what I was saying to myself for a long time. Here's my advice:

1. You can do some things to get in the position where you feel that way, but you almost can't rush it before you're ready, if that makes sense. Some of that comes from acceptance and to some extent that is a time factor that is different for everyone and is partially out of your control.

2. I do think having a mantra in place for when you have obsessive thoughts can help you (you said there is anger and constant thoughts of him). If you feel you went through your anger and you're "stuck" and want to get past it, start using a mantra. I used one a friend told me which is a quote from Shakespeare: "that way madness lies." Because obsessive thoughts lead to a form of "madness." Every time I'd get centered on him in a negative way, I'd catch myself and just go "stop it, Antonia, that way madness lies." Repeat as needed. It worked. Especially if I'd wake up in the middle of the night. So use that one or come up with a simple mantra. "Sarahani, go to your peaceful place." It's the repetition of a simple phrase every time that eventually makes it habit. In fact if you put your hands in a certain way--place them on your lap or something in the same position as you say the words--then eventually you build in a physical "cue" so that simply placing your hands in the same way creates an instant calming effect. I learned that to work on panic attacks and it works for obsessive thoughts too.

3. Start actively seeking out moments in the day that give you joy. This sounds weird--I'm not really saying orchestrate happy events. I'm saying start noticing things you normally ignore. When you feel the bad stuff, do that mantra. Then look around you. Notice something, anything, that is lovely. Walk outside and feel the air on your face. Look at a pretty tree. Open up a book that you love and read a page. Put music on and focus on it. Really pay attention to something that someone says that makes you laugh hysterically.

The more I tried to really be "present" in the moment and find happiness or silliness or just calm in what was around me, I started to find TONS of things that were "better" than the sadness in my heart. And the more that I'm aware of this stuff, the more it is taking over the negative. This is making me more detached every day.

You're not just trying to detach from HIM. You're trying to detach from the bad patterns of the marriage and the things that you weren't happy with for yourself. You're trying to turn a page on your life. It's an enormous effort, yes. The security of that past, however troubled, is still security. The 180s aren't just for your behavior with him. They are for your behavior with yourself and the way YOU approach life. It really is about being kinder to yourself and we have to TEACH ourselves how to do that. It can come from noticing things that normally we took for granted, things that had NOTHING to do with our partners but just with our own way of viewing the world.

When I really started to focus on all of that, the detachment started to feel like less effort and I felt better and more peaceful as a result.

[sarahani]

I guess it'll come as time passes?!

Things didn't work out for the kids sleepover with their dad and I wasn't very happy about this but whatever. So we had a mini R talk that was initiated by him and of course I can never keep my mouth shut contrary to what I've learned here but it went ok. He said I want my family back yes, but we'll work on it SLOWLY really slowly and not now I just want to focus on the kids now, give me some time. I wasn't pushing him in no way either I simply said what is it that you want from me I don't understand! You try to control me yet push me away and that is when he said it. He said just wait, please give me some time to think.

Is this a good thing or is he messing with my head...I just don't know what to think anymore! I'm so tired.

I'm just going to continue doing what I have been. Guess only time will tell.

[warriorshadow]

Hi Sarahini,

This is total MLC script. I know this from my own W who has said

the same thing. He has to say this because he does not want to

lose you and he wants to see how his fantasy life will work out

first. That is why he wants to work on it SLOWLY. He does not

want to give anything up on both sides.

I really am sorry that you are going through this and I also see

from your signature dates that you have just started this

journey. It is a very long journey and as you read more and more

you will see that others that have been where you are now and

none of this is easy.

That is exactly why you must continue to work on yourself.

Then you will be fine no matter which way this goes.

The idea is to outlast the MLC. That is going to take

everything you got within you and the truth is, you don't

know that you have what it takes to make it through.

I think you have what it takes. Simply being here on this

site shows that you do have it within you to make it

on this journey which has now become your journey that you did

not ask for.

Is this a good thing or is he messing with my head...I just don't know what to think anymore! I'm so tired.

So I truly get what you are saying up here ^^^^.

The MLC'r will say things that will make your head spin

BUT if you know that it is MLC fog talking then you at least

can find some peace in knowing that fact.

That will not be the last R talk you have with H.

There will be more like that and you are going to have

to show that you are strong each time. No man is going to

want to give up a strong confident woman. He will not see that

in you unless you do the work for yourself.

Seems a little unfair doesn't it? Your going to have to trust me

on this that even though you might feel it is unfair, it will

help you find out who Sarahini is. You would not get this

opportunity if you did not have this situation happen to you.

So, you know a lot of this already, TIME is now something you

have. It is how you plan on using it through this that will

make or break what you are to reap from this experience.

WS