Is it "too late for me?"

[TooLateForMe]

Where to begin?

All the chaos and madness seems to be settling. I've reached some sort of calm centered-ness and I'm wondering how to proceed.

It's been almost a year and a half and I've gone through quite a lot of grief and misery to end up here.

I'm almost 200 miles from W and kids and went down on Sunday to visit DDs. The first thing I was struck by was how gorgeous my W looked. I couldn't take it and spent the visit focusing on the girls and barely looking at her.

I'm still in love with her. Passionately, and far more than I ever was before. It [censored] because I've been working on getting over her and moving forward. That whole mentality came in the midst of a bout of mind-bending anger/bitterness/resentment I felt toward her.

A friend brought over Eat, Pray, Love and we watched it together. At first, I hated the main character for being so cavalier about dismissing her relationships. At the end she dances with her imaginary husband and I realized I had to just love my W and miss her (see the movie).

I even let her know this was where I stood and my goal was to get over her. Then I saw her.

When she commented on her weight I told her how attractive I thought she looked. I spent the rest of the day with DDs at the mall but managed to sneak in a text reiterating my attraction (not too aggressively, mind you).

I left fairly early because I didn't want to come across as cloying. When I got home she broke down (via text) about how worried she was about her dad. She hadn't told me how far his lymphoma had progressed and how he was suffering. Apparently he hasn't had any treatment for the cancer. I spent the night reassuring her, horrified by her sadness.

Since then I've researched means of payment for uninsured cancer patients and sent her the links I've found.

I'm sensing some detachment and plan on backing off from the chit chat for a while.

I still love her -- even more than ever before.

She's involved with someone in another state and I know she visits him frequently and likely talks to him a lot. She claims she's in love with this person, but I don't completely buy it. She started the R less than a month after the breakup and he lives pretty far away.

Now what? I saw her and couldn't believe there was such a thing as life without her. I want her, not as she was, but as she is. It's been a year and a half. I've dated someone else and couldn't get over my W. I've tried hating her. If I fail, I fail, but I want to try.