After 2.5 years of separation, my husband finally told me in June that he wanted to move on with his life. Because I hadn't given up on us, I had not stopped trying to make him talk until he simply had no investment anymore and I finally learned that all the talking was probably a big part of the problem. I did Mort Fertel's program before I found Michele's, and one piece of that was regular contact and gift giving, but now my husband hasn't agreed to see me since October (when we had dinner together a couple times that were really delightful) and he's asked me to lay off on stopping by his place to drop off gifts of food (he's a diabetic who WAS having a hard time keeping up with the necessary cooking). I feel like he's weaning me off of him. And my telephone coach says that maybe now the best I can do is low-pressure but pleasant phone converstaions. I enjoy those conversations immensely, but I worry that it's just a matter of time before he asks me to quit that, or just stops taking my calls. I know he's seeing a counselor to help him get over his marriage and move on, and I'm sure he has a lot more contact with that counselor (and I suspect with new dating partners) than he has with me. What chance do I have really? It's hard to keep up hope.
M: 43 H: 44 M: 12.5 if the 5.5 year separation counts Bomb (I dropped it): Dec '07 H said finit: Jun '10 I moved on: May '13
I want to say yes, it really is never to late. Mainly because I have been in the same place as you for 3.5 years. My husband told me he wanted a divorce and moved out. I was devastated, and I think I did all the wrong things for a long while. I'm trying to do the right things now, taking Michele's advice. I keep up hope and have faith, even though it is very difficult. I think the key to all this is to LET GO emotionally and ALSO actively take all the good divorce-busting advice. Maybe you need to do a 180, and do the opposite of what he is expecting you to do--go out of your way for yourself, and not for him. I told my husband that if he wanted a divorce, he would have to initiate it. Even though he said fine, that he would do that, even though he has NEVER NOT done the things he says he's going to do, he's done nothing about this. Due to our jobs, we live in different states and I don't even know if he is seeing someone or not. What I don't want is to wake up after another 3 years to find that he has filed papers. So, as much as I don't believe in it, as much as I don't think it's the answer for either of us, and as much as I don't want it, I am seriously considering initiating the divorce. I need to stand up for my life, which right now, he's not doing. I need to be who I used to be, who I am proud of, who he fell in love with. It may be the key to bringing us closer--if not now, then sometime later, when he is ready to see me and love me again for who I am. In the meantime, I'll just have to do that for myself. Please feel free to contact me anytime. I can completely relate to your situation and fully empathize. Be good to yourself, don't cry (it gives you wrinkles and makes you look tired), eat well, exercise, and enjoy yourself. Really. :-)
Thanks, Loyalist - it really does sound like we're in very similar situations. I and my husband are in the same state, but about two hours apart; he's said he'll file but has made no move that I know of to get that done; and I assume he's dating but don't have any direct evidence. I don't know what it would mean to do a 180. He has so little contact with me, how would he know whether I'd made changes to my behavior?
I'm trying to eat well and exercise. I recently joined a divorce support group that makes me feel a little less crazy. I cry a lot, but it's a release that really does help me cope. Enjoy myself? That's hard. Even when I do things that I previously would have enjoyed, I must confess that it's hard to feel anything.
I wish you well making your tough decision and I thank you for your post.
Peace,
Rebecca
M: 43 H: 44 M: 12.5 if the 5.5 year separation counts Bomb (I dropped it): Dec '07 H said finit: Jun '10 I moved on: May '13
Wish me luck today. I'm dreading being at work; I'm not entirely prepared. I've stopped loving the career that used to be my calling. I just want to crawl back in to bed and wait for "it" to be over, whatever "it" is. And more and more I feel like I owe it to my husband to just wish him well. He is making a sincere effort to just be over me. Anybody with strength to spare, send it my way today.
M: 43 H: 44 M: 12.5 if the 5.5 year separation counts Bomb (I dropped it): Dec '07 H said finit: Jun '10 I moved on: May '13
I don't have any advice to give, I just wanted to say "hang in there." You've been through a lot, and there will be rough patches in the future. But you will get through this, and there will be happy days in your future.
M: 41 W: 33 T: 10yrs M: 8yrs Bomb: 11/09 W left the state: 1/10 Going dark since 21/1/11
Thanks, getting2work. It's remarkable how much more valuable it is to me to hear a vote of confidence from others who are going through the same thing than either to hear that from my dearest friends. I think before I can really believe in happy days in my future, I have to get to WANTING them. Right now, I am so resistant to letting go that I'm sure whether I'd prefer to grieve forever if at least that means the marriage isn't entirely in my past.
What is "going dark since 21/1/11?"
M: 43 H: 44 M: 12.5 if the 5.5 year separation counts Bomb (I dropped it): Dec '07 H said finit: Jun '10 I moved on: May '13
Hi there, I hope this finds you well. I'm glad you've found a bit of support here. :-) "Going dark since 21/1/11" means there has been no contact since Jan 21, 2011; "going dark" is a divorce-busting term. There is a list in the forum "for newcomers" in the Open Forums section. Someone was kind enough to point me in that direction and it's been helpful.
So how are things going for you? Have you been finding some enjoyment and taking care of yourself? I know how difficult it is, but we have to remember that all we can do is focus on right now. I feel like I've done so many things that have made so matters worse and increased the distance between my husband and me, and I'm certain that I did them because I was so concerned with either the past or on what I wanted for the future and I neglected to just focus on exactly where I was in that moment and on how to achieve my goals.
Don't get me wrong--I still backslide. I had a conversation with my husband a couple of weeks ago and allowed him to push all my buttons. It became a huge disagreement and I said many things in anger that I should not have. It is irrelevant if they were true or not, saying them only keeps things as they are or makes them worse. We haven't spoken since.
I still burst out into tears, but not as often. I still miss my husband. Every day. I miss us. I wonder what I did to lose his love and admiration. I wonder what I did to create this situation, as I am a firm believer in the "you reap what you sow" philosophy. But I know that I don't want to look back three years from now and wonder what I did wrong again. I want to know that I have done all I could to save my marriage, be good to myself, and be become the person that I used to be, that I was proud being, and that my husband loved and admired.
I don't get going dark. I mean, I understand that you want your spouse to miss you and recall what was great about having you around. But I don't think absence makes the heart grow fonder for either me or my husband - I certainly miss him more when I've just seen him and the pleasure of that interaction is fresh in my mind.
I'm lucky - my husband doesn't even try to push my buttons. I'm not even sure he knows how to be manipulative. And I hear from the other people in my Divorce Care group, how their spouses say quite clearly that they don't want to be married, don't love them anymore, never loved them. So I feel lucky that I'm not in that situation, that I still have hope of a reconciliation, at the same time it makes even the Divorce Care group lonely, because everyone else there is working on starting over, and I'm not ready to walk away yet.
How long will I wait? My father-in-law is divorced from my husband's mother, but he is almost 30 years separated from his second wife. As far as he knows he isn't divorced, which has screwed up all his relationships since, but she may have filed on grounds of desertion and couldn't find him to serve him papers! I don't want to file, 'cause I'm not the one who wants out, but after he moves back to Illinois and another year or two passes? I know this is pessimistic thinking. I wish I had some sense of how often this works. It seems like almost everyone on these boards gets divorced or goes silent. Not very inspiring...
M: 43 H: 44 M: 12.5 if the 5.5 year separation counts Bomb (I dropped it): Dec '07 H said finit: Jun '10 I moved on: May '13
Truth be told, I have mixed feelings about going dark too. I've ignored the last phone call, voice mail message, and text message from my husband, and now it's been about 6 weeks since we've spoken or otherwise communicated. Sometimes I think I'm just telling him that I don't care and I'm making it easier for him to move on without me. I miss him all the time and just like you, I don't want to file because I'm not the one who wants out. It's hard not to get discouraged sometimes, but know that I am in a very similar spot as you--so you're not alone... It's difficult to know how long we can do this. I think when it's enough, we'll just know.
If you don't mind my asking, how long have you been married and when did you separate?
Here's my thoughts on going dark: When nothing else has worked, you may as well do dark. STBX and I have been separated for a year and a half. During that time, we dated, went on vacations together, I was her friend, etc...etc. And now - she is in an open relationship with her Boss, after rumors of their affair for 8-9 years. So, bottom line, nothing else worked. It's time for me, at least, to go completely dark and let her have her new life. If she loves it, there is no hope for us. If not, she will have to come to me, fully and completely. Not just take what she needs from me and feed me crumbs. So...dark it is. Or really LRT.
That's my 2 cents. You go completely dark when you feel it is the right time. The right time though, is often much, much sooner than you think. I waited way too long. Don't make the same mistake.
