Kaboom

[girlfromipanema]

Merry Christmas everyone.

I find myself reeling from my current life situation and I snapped last night. I sent OW several text messages and I'm not proud and don't feel better for doing so.

The ugly truth:

Text 1:

I didn't hate you. I hated that you didn't value my friendship. I loved and admired you until your actions showed me how little you thought of me. I have enough empathy to know this is hell for you, although you had a choice where I did not. Your hell is well deserved and I'm grateful for it. Now you may experience a tiny fraction of the pain I'm feeling. I have asked some very painful questions of H and he has provided me with some painful answers so I have no need to hear details from you. I'm glad T didn't want to see you in the hospital and that I had no interest to be cordial to you outside of work, which is what I presume set you off to punish me. It is a blessing to finally know the truth.


Text 2:

And if you're still searching for the truth, the truth is you have no concept of integrity or what it means to be a friend. You and H are a perfect match. Liars, low class, not worth your weight in dog s***.


Text 3:

The nerve of you to text me that your life is ruined because of my lying husband? You are pathetic and pitiful. I hope you are happy with your decision to come clean. I know I am.

*****

Horrible, I know. I told H that I sent the texts.

I hate that I allowed my emotions get the best of me.

[sgctxok]

I did something similar two days ago with what I thought was a treasured friend who betrayed me, although not with my man.

You're human. And at least you let her know where she DOESN'T stand with you.

It doesn't feel better, and it's hard to shake it. You just have to force yourself to not let that feeling take away the joys of the day. We had our kids and some of our friends over last night, that helped quite a bit. Also a lot of thought-stopping.

I hope you find many joys today.

[girlfromipanema]

Thanks for your encouragement, sg. I'm sorry you experienced the betrayal of a treasured friend. It's always so hurtful, regardless of the circumstances.

My texts to OW spurred several replies today, mostly letting me know how much she is hurt by h's lies to her, but in the same text says h stated that she was his mistress only and he didn't have plans to leave me. She said she had to find out the truth by threatening to go public. In another text, she claims he told her he made a mistake in not chosing her and the only reason he couldn't was because of the business.

I foolishly shared these texts with h, who is angry at her and says she isn't being honest. He wants "closure". He'd rather do it face to face and I said I'd prefer for him to get closure over the phone, but would leave the decision up to him.

I've been so confused about the whole thing that I've decided whatever he chooses will help me make the decision I need to regarding my future.

This has been the worst Christmas of all time. My family lives in another state, and my mood was so bleak this morning that I lied to them when I called, saying I woke up with a stomach bug. I just couldn't bear to act as if the world around me wasn't crashing down.

I finished reading "Not Just Friends" and gave it to h. I wish he'd put a priority on me and stop what he's doing to read it. It's been a difficult day for him, as well. I do understand that, but I'm done with putting 110% of myself into a marriage that has been a complete lie. I'm certainly not feeling a lot of hope. I'm sad, but I know I'll make it through this fine - and stonger, wiser and with more insight.

[girlfromipanema]

I forgot to mention that I told my husband if he was on the fence about whether he wants me or OW, then he needs to leave. If he is committed to trying to see if we can get through this (he knows I have a lot to work through before I can say that I'm 100% ready to make a committment), then I'm OK with him staying here.

I don't know if that was the right move, but I felt it was a way to establish a boundary.

[girlfromipanema]

I just started "After the Affair" and so far I don't like it at all... probably because it's describing the betrayed spouse in such a pitiful state (lack of self esteem, etc.). That was an accurate description of me back in late 2007, early 2008, but I've come along way from those days, thankfully.

[SDFoundGirl]

I've been so confused about the whole thing that I've decided whatever he chooses will help me make the decision I need to regarding my future.

IF there are consequences to him deciding to get closure in person, just tell him. Right now you've told him to make the decision. If this is a test, that's not the right thing to do. Let him make an open-eyed choice. Men don't think the same way we do; spell it out and go from there.

For what it's worth, I think your H wants to be with you, but he's still reeling from the exposure and the PEA chemicals. If you guys go forward, you guys need MC and he probably needs a whole lot of IC himself to figure out why he entered into a long term affair so shortly after your M.

Make your decisions based on what YOU want and what YOU will/will not accept. Just make sure you spell it all out. You have nothing to lose from your honesty; THAT is what true detachment is.

I feel for you...this totally [censored]. Get clear on your boundaries and expectations, then lay it out. He will or will not agree; going from there allows you to make the best choice for yourself.

SD

[girlfromipanema]

Thank you for your insight, SDFoundGirl. Of course, you are completely correct. I am so glad you posted to me, because I could really use help today. It's been such an unpleasant, emotional, difficult day.

I feel terrible that I am lashing out at h. I've told him how I am putting myself in his shoes and thank him for his honesty and in the next breath I make him feel bad about telling me the truth. He told me he is here because he wants to be here to try to work on this together and then I tell him he needs to leave if he hasn't made a definite call... I haven't been fair to him today and I will apologize to him.

I need to get caught up with you. I remember you from way back in early 2008 and I hope things are still going well for you.

[girlfromipanema]

I just went downstairs and apologized for sending mixed signals and reiterated that I understand how difficult this is for him. We gave each other a hug and he asked if I was going to eat dinner tonight. I said, "maybe later" and he said "then I'll wait for you."

We are both making the effort to be kind and caring to each other and I feel that is a positive in the midst of all the muck. I know he loves me, but this is still the hardest thing I've encountered in life thus far.

Many years ago, h and I were in Philly for a business function and the cocktail hour entertainment included a palm reader. He told me age 39 would be a really stressful year. I was 35 when I first found DB, and I would tell myself, "maybe the palm reader said 35 rather than 39..." now I'm 37. WTF does 39 have in store for me???

He also said I'd have twins, so maybe I'll have twins at 39 and that will be the cause of my stress. Mind you, I don't put a lot of faith in what this palm reader said, but it's always something I've thought about. He was a magicial/palm reader/entertainer. ha ha. See, I still have a glint of humor left in me. :-)

[girlfromipanema]

And now he's reading "Not Just Friends". Another positive.

[girlfromipanema]

I don't know what I'm doing. Why do I get excited that he picked up the book? Woo hoo. BFD. My entire marriage has been a lie. I think the smart thing to do would ask him to leave... so why I am having such a hard time doing it?