just venting here to keep myself from talking to H

[grebjack]

Well, the goal I and my coach set for this two weeks was to have some pleasant phone conversations with my husband, to arrange to spend some time with him, and to not have ANY emotionally laden conversations. I've only spoken with him twice in the past week (the only times since our last confrontation at Thanksgiving - I called him in tears which is always a bad move) and both were pleasant conversations. I'm surprised he takes my calls, because he always starts sounding tense, wondering what I'm going to throw at him, but this second conversation was friendly enough that he laughed (the first I've heard that at least since August). He was telling me what he's been up to, and Saturday, when he blew off my invitation to go for a hike, he was just home blowing off steam and watching tv. And then our conversation ended when he got picked up by "a friend" to go out to dinner. I feel like my life is slipping away. Still. Thanks for listening.

[Denver_2010]

I feel that my life is slipping away too. I am sorry to hear that you feel like I do. I am miserable.

[grebjack]

Denver_2010, I'm glad for my sake that you're out there, and sorry for your sake that you are. I hope the new year brings you back to a life you are happy to wake up to. Peace,

Rebecca

[Denver_2010]

How are things? You haven't updated your situation in a while.

[grebjack]

I have no idea how things are. My husband takes my calls and has called me a couple of times recently. The phone conversations are friendly and we laugh more each time and I have the privilege of knowing what's going on in his life and in his head - it reminds me over and over again why I fell in love with him. I haven't seen him in over three months. He won't come see me or let me come see him. And he's moving 1000 miles away in five more months. I feel like things are improving at a GLACIAL pace and he's RAPIDLY growing more accustomed to life without me. But I'm doing a better job of accepting my situation - doing my best and just accepting that I may not make the right decisions and I won't know until it's too late.

[grebjack]

Since that last post, he let me take him out to lunch to celebrate his birthday in March and we have restored a generally comfortable friendship since then. I am much mellower about losing the marriage if the friendship survives - that was always the most precious part of the marriage anyway.
He has moved to Illinois. I have heard from him exactly twice in the ten days he's been gone. It's a sign of my pessimism about us that I speak of twice in ten days as a bad thing - it's so much more than he chose to interact with me between November and March. I have been good about not contacting him, not begging through my actions for his attention. I have not been so good about getting a life here without him - mostly I am catatonic. And I still "read between the lines" through my worst paranoid lens. It's weird to watch myself act this way, since everyone who knows me would describe me as optimistic to a fault.
I am trying to be someone I am proud to be. I look to spend times doing things I enjoy. The hard part is I still just don't enjoy doing the things that used to be fun to me, and I don't know how to get that back, so for now I'm just going through the motions. Or staring at the opposite wall for hours on end. If I were him, I certainly wouldn't want the crazy woman I have become - thank God he doesn't see me when I'm like this.