H and I have been separated for three months—his decision after a summer of acting like a teenager and PA on his part. At first he decided he would try to work on our relationship during the separation and we had been spending time together and talking about relationship (all initiated by him, I did no pursing at all). He said he got to the point where he had decided to recommit himself to our marriage, but then started to feel miserable and trapped with that decision. So he told me he wants a divorce and decided to take a month long trip to Thailand to see new friends he made over the summer (including the OW).
He will be coming home from his trip tomorrow and I’m not sure what to try next. I have a lot of conflicting emotions—part of me wants to see him because I have missed him and part of me is so angry and hurt. I want to do what is best for our marriage. I have been talking to a DB coach and she thinks I should try to keep connected to him through friendship (which has been a solid, important part of our marriage in the past). But I was doing that before, and while small progress was being made, it all came to a screeching halt with his decision of wanting to divorce and visiting the OW.
He called me from Thailand to wish me a happy Thanksgiving and my birthday is this weekend, so I’m guessing he might ask to see me or talk to me. I’m very torn as to how to handle seeing him again.
(Sorry if many details are lacking—it’s a long story and one I don’t completely understand myself.)
M: 36 H: 37 Married: 13 years Together: 17 years No kids Bomb Dropped: 6/10 (MLC, OW, ILYBNILWY) He Moved Out: 8/10
Maybe just try being upbeat and friendly when he does visit with you. It's hard "acting as if" but it's doable. The more positive light he sees you in, the more positive he will see you and think of you. And be that friend the coach suggested. That's where I am with my WAH right now. It's hard b/c I love him so much, but I know I have to be his friend and not his enemy right now.
M-32, WAH 32 D-7 months Bomb of PA 9/25 WAH left 10/24 D Filed by WAH
Thanks for reminding me to present myself in a positive light. It is hard when you feel like your life is falling apart around you but I know it is important.
Sometimes I get frustrated with pretending to be OK. It feels like I am lying when I have to make it seem like everything is going just great for me. I wish I could just be honest. I should be able to tell him that I love him, want to be with him, he is important to me, our marriage is the most important thing to me, that his actions have hurt me and that I'm sad and lonely. But I won't, I'll put a smile on my face and not say any of the above.
Sorry, just had to vent and obviously can't do it with him
M: 36 H: 37 Married: 13 years Together: 17 years No kids Bomb Dropped: 6/10 (MLC, OW, ILYBNILWY) He Moved Out: 8/10
Believe me, I know how you feel. All I want to do is pour my heart out to him, but every time I've done that it has just pushed him further and further away. So, that talk has to wait until more time is under our belts. This is an extremely difficult situation. I hate it. I hate it for me. I hate it for him. And I hate it for the 7 month old daughter he walked away from. These WAS will regret it one day, but not knowing if that one day will be sooner rather than later is very hard to think about. I refuse to give up hope. I have faith in God and know He wants this to work regardless of what has happened. I have to hold on to that. hang in there!!
M-32, WAH 32 D-7 months Bomb of PA 9/25 WAH left 10/24 D Filed by WAH
DoneAfter10, You hang in there too. I'm so sorry to hear you have a daughter that has to go through this mess too. I can't imagine the pain kids go through in this kind of situation—it's hard enough to cope with as adults. It just breaks my heart.
It's nice to be in a place where others can understand what you are going through. Keep up the faith and hope!
M: 36 H: 37 Married: 13 years Together: 17 years No kids Bomb Dropped: 6/10 (MLC, OW, ILYBNILWY) He Moved Out: 8/10
It truly breaks my heart for our daughter. We went through three years of infertility and invitro fertilization for her, so she was a very much wanted and prayed for child. So, him to do this at all--but especially now after all we went through for her makes it all that much more difficult to understand. The man I thought I knew would never do anything like this. It's pure craziness.
M-32, WAH 32 D-7 months Bomb of PA 9/25 WAH left 10/24 D Filed by WAH
My H has returned from his trip to see the OW and called me to tell me he was home. He asked me if I wanted to see him and talk. I didn't answer, just asked him if he wanted to talk and he said he did, just needed time to recuperate from his trip. I told him to give me a call when he has recuperated. He asked if I had plans for my birthday and I said I already did (didn't give him any details). I haven't heard from him since (over a week). I finally called him last night and left a brief message just saying that we hadn't talked in a while and wanted to see how he was doing. This morning I get an email from him just saying "I got your message. How are you?"
I don't know what to do with this. I hate feeling like my husband is a stranger to me. Before he left on his trip he said he wanted a divorce. I guess I wanted to see him to try to gauge if his still on that path since it's been over a month since we've seen each other.
Any thoughts would be helpful.
M: 36 H: 37 Married: 13 years Together: 17 years No kids Bomb Dropped: 6/10 (MLC, OW, ILYBNILWY) He Moved Out: 8/10
