I am new to this forum and this site. I just finished The Divorce Remedy and I am still confused a bit. My wife and I were together for 15 years, married nine. Last fall, she briefly moved out for six weeks and only came back after I promised to go to marriage counseling with her. We went. After some time, she decided that she didn't like what the counselor was telling us to do and she didn't want to go. She kept telling him that she was too angry to work on our marriage. He suggested she see someone on the side. She did and then left me. For years she wanted kids and I stood in the way of that due to some depression I was suffering through after the death of a loved one. I am now getting treatment for the depression, but it is too late. In early September, she came home one night and told me she was moving out. She already had a place rented and there was no turning back. I begged, pleaded and cried. She would not change her mind. She told me that if I didn't let her have some time, we would not make it. I agreed. For the first couple of weeks, we talked every day and saw each other once a week. Then, all of a sudden and without warning, she changed. She started being really rude to me and eventually told me in both voice and text that our marriage was over and that she no longer wished to be married to me. She asked to come into the house and take a few things while I was away at a friends house for a BBQ. When I got home, everything was gone. She had completely moved out. But, she left small "hand grenades" for me all through the house. She rifled through boxes of pictures, took the ones that she wanted but left any picture that had me in it. She took many items from our closet but left any gift from me. Anything that was remotely related to our wedding was left on the floor or in a drawer in each room. Our house, which we both loved for years, is now a tomb. I try not to stay there as much as possible. I was devastated.
She was my best friend, my lover and support when things got tough. I know I am at fault for much of this as I was, at best, an "absentee husband" much of the time. But I didn't want us to break up. I was confused and not myself. Now I am facing the holidays alone for the first time in 15 years. We loved Christmas. We would decorate our house like the Griswolds each year. I was so happy when I found someone that liked Christmas as much as I do. Now Christmas is coming and I am alone. I am scared to say the least.
She has now told me all of the following:
1) "I am happier with out you. My friends say I look better since I left you." 2) "I want some one 'completely different' from you." 3) "You blew it, it is over." 4) (When I asked her to remain faithful during the separation, I got the following lovely response)"I won't promise that I won't sleep with someone if the situation presents itself. Isn't that what separation is about? Seeing what is out there." 5) "The past 15 years were great, but I am done with that and won't live in the past." 6) And here is my favorite... "Despite who's fault this is, I am ready to move on with my life and I wish you would too."
I bought The Divorce Remedy and was completely embarrassed when I realized how many mistakes we have made over the years as a couple. We could have saved this thing. And, of course, I made all the stupid mistakes when she left. I sent flowers, cards, letters, emails and gifts while begging her to reconsider. In the beginning, she was receptive, but then something snapped. She got pissed and told me to stop and that it was over. She wanted space and nothing to do with me. I have read the book cover to cover, but I am not sure, other than doing a 180 (which I have started), what I can do. I have not seen her for 27 days. And the last time we were together, she pretty much told me to go to hell and that is was over. I have not spoken to her, seen her, or even been in the same zip code with her in over a month. How is the 180 supposed to work if she cannot see the changes that I have made??? And I have made a ton of them. I have attended counseling, become more loving to my family and friends, realized why I am not a happy person, found a new vigor for my job, joined a gym where I work out four days a week and, in general, decided to not be so uptight about life and all the little pitfalls that come along. I am actually happier as a person, but I miss my wife so much I could die. I know now where I went wrong, but I cannot show her that when she refuses to even be in the same room with me. I also know that her friends, her sister, and her mother are telling her to move on and forget about me. I am quite certain her mother helped her move out. HOW IN THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO COMBAT THAT??? They see her every day and get in her ear and tell her what she wants to hear. I, on the other hand, can only talk with her via text. I am losing this battle horribly and I am powerless to do anything about it.
My wife was the woman I was supposed to marry. We have had 14 wonderful years together with some ups and downs. Only the last year has been really bad, but it was worth saving. I am very angry at her for leaving, but I am going to have to tuck that away for now. PLEASE HELP!!!! Has anyone out there successfully navigated this situation and turned their marriage around. I love her and I want to grow old with her. But, right now, when I tell her that, she becomes angry and cold. I will continue the "180," but this is killing me...
Fellonblackdays
Me: 39 W: 36 T: 15 yrs M: 9 yrs S: 09/10
So you can get on with your search, baby And I can get on with mine And maybe someday we will find, That it wasn't really wasted time...
Lots of folks have turned their marriages around. You are right though, it's really hard when family and friends are giving her the supportive buzz in her ear. It's natural because if she seems perkier and happier (than when she was previously complaining)--that colors their memory and they want her to keep being happy.
So you need them to see your new changes as well.
Are there any opportunities with the holidays to bump into her?
Unfortunately, no. I wish there was. We didn't have any children. The only chance I might have is that my father-in-law and I were best friends and have remained so even now. I see him pretty often. Maybe I can try to "accidentally" set something up through him. He has told me repeatedly that he wants us to stay together and that he thinks of me as his son. The truth is that she can pretty much avoid me as much as she wants. She has nothing left in the house and we don't work together. I spent today with family as much as possible, but I still had to come home to an empty house.
How do I move my post to the "newcomers" section? I thought I had posted it there. I am very new at this. I wish you and your family a safe and happy Thanksgiving holiday. Take care and thank you!
Fellonblackdays
Me: 39 W: 36 T: 15 yrs M: 9 yrs S: 09/10
So you can get on with your search, baby And I can get on with mine And maybe someday we will find, That it wasn't really wasted time...
been there. A WAS doesn't usually give clear messages (except for the fact that she/he left). Read carefully between the lines when they talk. The message is there, but in code. If she wanted to be there, she would be there. If not, then she's not. In some cases it can work out, but it won't be on your schedule ever again.
Life is very precious. Create you own while you try to repair the relationship with the WAS. Happiness will come in very small increments but eventually you will be ok again.
However, you will most likely, if you do repair, be looking over your shoulder every day wondering when the shoe will drop again. That's the tough part.
