Confused

[rangerphan]

I joined this site when I first found out my wife wanted a separation. I've read most of DB and have been following the steps. I've lost 35 lbs, been seeing a therapist to deal with issues that have been with me for a while. I'm really happy with the progress I have made working with her and the person I am becoming. I've been doing things for myself and even got a new car.

When I discovered her weekend getaway with OM I filed for a D. I felt she betrayed not only myself but the children as well. Lately though I look at my kids and don't want them to grow up in a broken home like I did. I've only now with the help of therapy gotten over some of those issues that have been with me since I was a child. I'd still be willing to work on my marriage first because of them and second because I believe we can recapture what we had. Am I foolish to think that it can work and how do I bring the subject up to the W?

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[MakingProgress]

I think we first would need to know your wife's position on this.

[rangerphan]

Not sure of that yet.

[rangerphan]

Well after reading some more posts here I've decided to stay dark. No R talk for me. Just going to keep doing the 180's I've been doing and taking the high road when we talk. Keep the focus on myself and the kids and I'll be alright.

[Truegritter]

I've decided to stay dark

Ranger "Dark" as it used here typically means no contact.

Is that what you mean?

What are your goals by doing this?

[CD Bear]

Hey Ranger.

I like what you've been doing so far.

I also agree than I wouldn't be initiating R talk.

Until OM is "gone", so are you.

I do have some questions for you, though.

When I discovered her weekend getaway with OM I filed for a D. I felt she betrayed not only myself but the children as well.

You are living apart? How is the custody set up so far?
What was her reaction to being served?
Did you state that the filing was your refusal to live in an open marriage?

I look at my kids and don't want them to grow up in a broken home like I did. I've only now with the help of therapy gotten over some of those issues that have been with me since I was a child.

Your experience and therapy will be of invaluable use as your children grow. Are your kids of similar age to you when your folks split? Why did they split?

I'd still be willing to work on my marriage first because of them and second because I believe we can recapture what we had.

First, consider this.
Would you be willing to take her back if she said she would come back :for the children? I would hope not. So you shouldn't have this as your main reason for staying committed to your M

Second, and this is harder, please try to view your current M as "dead and over". Given what has transpired (esp infidelity) there is nothing to recapture.

The conditions and dysfunctions that you BOTH have is what led your M to this position.

Try to change your perspective to "I need to analyze and correct the things that I didn't like about my behaviour in the M so that my next M (and we don't know who that will be yet) will be healthier and happier.

THIS is the best thing you can do for your self, your kids and even your wife.

Holding on to a marriage for anyone elses benefit but your own helps absolutely no one, my friend.

I'll lurk around your thread. There aren't a lot of vets here right now. I'll help where I can.

Not tooting my horn but there is some REALLY good stuff from vets in my threads. I hope you find it as helpful as I have.

[rangerphan]

Hey Ranger.

I like what you've been doing so far.

I also agree than I wouldn't be initiating R talk.

Until OM is "gone", so are you.

I am not leaving the house. We moved into this house when my mother passed and it will stay with me if we do end in D. I have the means to buy her out and if the kids are going to be with me half the time then I will raise them in the house I grew up in not her.

I do have some questions for you, though.

When I discovered her weekend getaway with OM I filed for a D. I felt she betrayed not only myself but the children as well.

You are living apart? How is the custody set up so far?

We are still living together. By law I can not get her out. I already looked into this. Between her work, school and new found adventures the kids are mainly with me. My son even said to her when he came down to dinner last night "Mom you're still alive" and I just chuckled inside.

What was her reaction to being served?
Did you state that the filing was your refusal to live in an open marriage?

She was not happy when I served her but I told her I was going to if she went ahead with what she was doing. I guess she thought I would chicken out. And yes my reason and I stated this to her was that I did not want to live in an open marriage.

I look at my kids and don't want them to grow up in a broken home like I did. I've only now with the help of therapy gotten over some of those issues that have been with me since I was a child.

Your experience and therapy will be of invaluable use as your children grow. Are your kids of similar age to you when your folks split? Why did they split?

Therapy is helping a great deal and I'm a little disappointed that I did not go sooner. And when I do talk to her we cover alot of things not just my M. And my son is exactly the same age as I when my parents split. And they did split because my father was an alcoholic and my mom did not want us in a house with that. Looking back I realized it was the best thing she did for us.

I'd still be willing to work on my marriage first because of them and second because I believe we can recapture what we had.

First, consider this.
Would you be willing to take her back if she said she would come back :for the children? I would hope not. So you shouldn't have this as your main reason for staying committed to your M

No I would not take her back just for the children. We had a great relationship prior to the kids being born but once they did she had turned into mom and dedicated all her energy to them and I give her alot of credit into who they are today. They really are great and I would never take that away from her.

Second, and this is harder, please try to view your current M as "dead and over". Given what has transpired (esp infidelity) there is nothing to recapture.

I've stated that our marriage as we knew it was dead and I won't go back to the way things were.

The conditions and dysfunctions that you BOTH have is what led your M to this position.

I have stated this as well. I am not the only person to blame for us getting to this point. I asked her to start seeing a therapist for her issues because if she doesn't then she will have the same problems in future relationships. Plus it can be beneficial for the kids.

Try to change your perspective to "I need to analyze and correct the things that I didn't like about my behaviour in the M so that my next M (and we don't know who that will be yet) will be healthier and happier.

That is the mindset with therapy. I can only control myself and what was wrong with me. I won't make the same mistakes in future relationships going forward. I've owned up to my faults and am correcting them.

THIS is the best thing you can do for your self, your kids and even your wife.

Holding on to a marriage for anyone elses benefit but your own helps absolutely no one, my friend.

I'll lurk around your thread. There aren't a lot of vets here right now. I'll help where I can.

Not tooting my horn but there is some REALLY good stuff from vets in my threads. I hope you find it as helpful as I have.

[rangerphan]

I've decided to stay dark

Ranger "Dark" as it used here typically means no contact.

Is that what you mean?

What are your goals by doing this?

We are still living together. By law I can not get her out. I guess what I meant by going dark is that if the conversation doesn't involve the kids then I don't want to talk.

[sgctxok]

Hi ranger,

There's a lot you can do without a relationship talk. How did you fall in love the first time?

sg

[sandi2]

IMHO, going dark is almost next to impossilbe when living under the same roof. To you, it is defined "dark", but to your W....she sees a different picture.

You can detach without being dark.

You have a great opportunity to save your M.

Does she know that you filed for D? Is she still in an A?

The more information you can give us, the more we will know what to say in return.

Post as often as you can. It helps more than you realize right now.