so Christmas was a success! we had a good day, there was a couple of times i had to excuse myself for a couple of mins., but all in all not bad.
I did write my W a letter. Talking about my plans for my job and the kids and my goals as a family for the new year. I left the letter in a book and gave it to her complete. She asked if she was able to write to me and we could pass it back and forth.
I said yes, that was a good idea! she smiled and said thank you. Here is the next shocker, my w was looking on my book shelf and she pulled out the 5 love languages and my copy of DR. She briefly looked DR and asked if she could take both books with her.
I told her yes. I informed her that these books have helped me tremendously and that i would like them back when she was finished. She said she would. I did notice she was reading chapter 10 in the DR book before she left.
So not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing. I know that the DR book is for me and i shouldnt show it to her, but she has never showed interest in my bookshelf before. She doesnt read much, now all of a sudden she takes the one book that I use daily.
So i went to amazon and ordered another copy! LOL
I took today as a good day. While dropping her off at OM's house she gave me a hug and a kiss while in the driveway. Hope OM wasnt watching. Just so everyone knows, i didnt stop it and i didnt hold back either. Havent kissed her that way in a long time.
I wouldn't have given her the books, Tank. I keep mine hidden. The danger, of course, is that she may think you are following a script to "get her back." She may interpret your changes as temporary and nothing more than needy pursuit. I hope I'm wrong for your sake.
If you can interact with your wife, without coming across as desperate and needy. By all means, do it. Giving her a taste of what she can't have creates powerful attraction. As long as you can exercise detachment during your meetings, her attraction to you will grow. I'm not there yet myself.
The key is to give her a little taste, then take it away. Keep her hungry for more. If she thinks that she can gorge herself on you, any time she wants, she will lose interest.
It's easy to give advice; it's much harder to follow it.
Well sinclair, she just took them off the shelf and started reading them. Didnt know what I was supposed to do when she asked for them.
I have had a few setbacks over the holidays. I was set to spend new years with some friends at a cabin in TN and as i was preparing the kids for their weeks visit with mom, she informed me that she had no money to feed them for the week.
I made the error of giving her money!!!!! my mistake, but i had plans and i wanted to keep them. She asked me a million questions and i kept the answers simple and vague. she didnt like that at all.
She called me while i was away on new years eve to say she had no way to get the kids to my moms for their party unless OM drove them. We had a big fight, i arranged for my mom to go and pick them up.
Then at midnight i get a text saying "Happy New Years xoxoxo".
Women are so dam hard to figure out. What i have started to understand is that the relationship with OM is not a long term one. He lets her live at his house, he brings home dinner everynight and supplies her with smokes, pot and beer. He doesnt give her any money, not even bus fare, but he does pick her up and drop her off when she needs to get somewhere. He doesnt fight with her and they dont talk much about anything serious.
What hit me this last week was, she talks about everything serious with me, she picks her arguements with me. That is a big one, as we used to just play argue about stupid stuff to build a tension and relieve it in the bedroom. So he is fun, and i get all the crap.
What I also noticed, was that if i dont cave into her or do what she wants, she throughs him in my face and if she gets really mad will say shes never coming home.
So I am going to stay strong now. I am not caving into her demands. She has her set times with the kids. I am stressing the importance of keeping the kids on a schedule. My youngest son didnt want to spend the week with her and actually went to grandmas, so I have told her that I am not forcing the kids to do anything, i am going to give them a little freedom on the visits and them going or staying etc.
Here comes the tricky part. The kids have all met the OM and we discuss him openly at Family C. So she keeps throughing him into my face when I dont drive the kids or pick them up when her friend cant do it. I told her she can no longer rely on me for pick up and drop off. If she cant get them home after her visit then she cant pick them up. If she says the OM will drive them, then I am going to bite my tongue and not force her to keep OM away from them.
Lets face it, he obviously isnt putting to much into the relationship. He doesnt want kids, he is a bachelor and this relationship is the longest he has ever had. I dont have a lot of faith that he will drive his SUV 45 mins. each way to pick up 4 kids who do not like him and then take them back to his bachelor's house and feed them and entertain them for a couple of hours just to drive them back home another 45 mins away. This has to be done 2x a week and every other weekend. I just dont see it happening more than once or twice.
Now this could backfire on me, and he could surprise me, but i dont think so. If I call her bluff then i am prepared for him to show up here. i can deal with that i think. I know that not all 4 kids will go with her. But if she is just bluffing me and using OM as a threat to get me to deliver and pick up the kids, she will have to either find a way to pick up kids or she wont see them as often.
As much as i want my kids to see their mom, i need to let her know that she has responsibilities and i truly hope she is bluffing me and that it will come to an end.
What do you guys think about this came of chicken?
It makes me think that I need to start hanging out here more often and getting some advice from people like you who are a bit smarter. I think that what you propose is great. It shows that you are no longer trying to control her or the situation and it starts putting the responsibility back on her, which is where it belonged in the first place!
well today i get a text right before her scheduled visit with the kids telling me i need to get over the whole OM not being around the kids issue. She has no way to get the kids unless he does it for her.
I told her she can do what ever she wants. I got home from work, the kids were still home and their mom had not called them and they called her and she didnt answer.
So i guess, he really doesnt want to do all that driving after all. The kids had a talk with grandma on the OM issue and about the OM picking them up so they could see mommy.
I love my children, they flat out refuse to have anything to do with the other man. Either mommy comes to see them at home or they go to Mommies friends house like they have been doing. They dont want to see OM.
when i was told this, i talked to them and told them it was ok to like OM. I would be upset or mad. Their answer to me was they dont want to. The OM doesnt care about them and they dont like to see mommy with him. They want mommy home and they wont accept OM.
I have to say it again, I LOVE MY KIDS! its sad they have to think about issues like this.
Yes, it is very sad, both for you and your children. I really believe you have done your best to protect them and show your support of their feelings. Unfortunately, because of W's choices, they cannot be protected from everything. The only thing in this situation you can control is your deep love for your children. You are doing a great job with that!
This thing with the OM is obviously going to die out. I think that you realize that. I think it's great that you let go of control over who picks them up and called her bluff. Looks like it played out exactly the way you thought it would. Now, just keep it up. It may fizzle faster than you think.
You're doing and saying so many great things! Don't let her bait you. She was obviously looking for an argument when she texted you. I think she already knew that OM wasn't going to do the driving. She was just trying to make you the bad guy when she didn't pick up kids. When you called the bluff, it left her responsible again.
thanks for the support LIS, this is a tough journey and it doesnt appear to be getting any easier.
Well my W told the kids she would be here to pick them up tomorrow with OM. My second oldest has told me he wont be home from school. He wants to go to his friends house instead of going with his mom. My youngest son refuses to go tomorrow and asked for me to be home at the pick-up time. My oldest doesnt know what to do, he wants to spend time with his mom. My daughter just wants her mom.
So tomorrow isnt going to be easy on anyone. I am going to be home for this one, my MIL says if OM shows up she will go off on both him and her daughter. She doesnt want him anywhere near our lives. She even gave me heck for giving in and letting wife bring OM to get them. I cant win for trying.
going to stay calm and hopefully be able to keep my composure.
“Do what you feel in your heart to be right, for you'll be criticized anyway."
You're going to need to follow what you think is right and shut out MIL or anyone else who thwarts those efforts right now (kindly). I qualify that when I say "what you think is right," though. Obviously, we need to stick with the techniques. For me they don't always "feel" right but I know that they are because they do get results. There are moments I want to tell my H exactly what I think of him at the moment, but it isn't right.
I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I actually do think that it is a good idea that you are there to support your children, but are you preparing yourself? Meaning, have you walked through the scripts in your head for the encounter with W and OM? This is going to be a big test. You are doing so great so I would make sure that I was prepared for this.
Please do let us know how you are doing. I wish there were magic answers that would make this go away, but unfortunately it is stuff that we are just going to have to go through it. There ARE better days ahead regardless of the outcome. I know that's hard to believe when you are in the thick of it. Heck, I'm not so sure I believe it sometimes, but there are better days. Hang in there and let us know how it went.
so tonight didnt go so well with the kids. She showed up with the OM and 2 of my children flat out refused to go with her, my youngest D7 just wants her mom and doesnt care about OM and my oldest just wants to feel loved by his mom. Those 2 went with her.
There was mixed emotions from the kids, mommy told them she left cause her and i were always fighting. And if she came home would the kids like to have us fighting all the time. So the kids put it on me when they got home.
I calmly told them to think about the last time they heard mommy and daddy fight, they could think of a time other then lately about OM. I said so does that sound like the family life they remember and they agreed it wasnt. They also realized that we go to a family counselor and that there is counselors available for mommy's and daddy's to see so they can learn not to fight and to help move past the issues that cause the fights.
My kids are pretty smart, they realize alot of things. They have all told mom either in person or on the phone tonight that the love her and want to see her, but they want her home and they will not go with her and OM the next time. That they dont want to see him or be in his life. She is their mom and she needs to be home with them.
God bless their little hearts. How can I not hang in and fight for my marriage when my 4 children are fighting for their family. Its amazing how children can make us realize whats important in life.
So another day behind us and hopefully it will get easier as the next one arrives.
This whole "rewriting" history that our S's go through is probably one of the most difficult things for me personally. I have to tell you that at first it freaked me out before I picked up DB and started coming to this site. I'm much calmer now than I was in the beginning. I'll tell you that there were days that I thought my H was crazy. I mean literally certifiable with the "history" that he came up with. Now I kind of laugh about it. It's reminds me from a line from "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest" - "It’s still hard for me to have a clear mind thinking on it. But it’s the truth even if it didn’t happen." I mean my H gets pretty dedicated to his "truth." I've stopped fighting it, but here's the thing, I don't have kids and I don't have to worry about my H rewriting history for them too. I'm sorry that you are having to go through that but I really think that you handled that respectfully and quite well.
When is the next scheduled visit? I think that your children fighting for your marriage is great, but can also be dangerous. I don't want to see you get into a situation where your W accuses you of turning them. She can't see your posts here so she doesn't know what's in your heart. And if your S is anything like mine, they pretty much always assume that our motives are bad. It's a complicated sitch. The other thing I'm wondering is whether the pressure from children could also be driving her away. I wouldn't want to see that either. You and your W are young but she still seems to be acting like she's in MLC. When you are there, you are not thinking clearly at all and you don't have normal emotions. Meaning the needs of her children are not tugging on heart strings the way they normally would and may just be having the opposite effect.
Here's the thing, you're a great dad. And truth be told, I have no children. So, take what I have to say on that with a grain of salt. I just want you to come out in the best light possible in order to get your W back where she belongs.
