Cadet is exactly right. I don't mind at all. If something about my story resonates with someone else, that's great.
I am no longer DBing. If H has a change of heart, I will explore my feelings and options with a counselor before deciding on a course of action. Otherwise, I have a rough, though necessarily flexible, plan for this new chapter of my life. It may be a second choice, but it will still be a chapter that is fulfilling and fun.
We all learn from this experience. My lessons... I know that, as much as I tried, I could have done better. It doesn't matter if it would have made a difference. It is a constant condition. I can always do better. I know that I will be OK, but it will take however long it takes for me. I will ignore anyone who tells me otherwise. I have strength that expands with challenge, and has yet to be exhausted. I know what true forgiveness is, and why it is for me. I know that the values I've always espoused are truly mine, because I have lived them against the temptation to do otherwise. I know who my true friends are, and who are not.
back56, your 6/6 post on my thread was how I felt for some time. I love the puzzle analogy! I am stiill putting the pieces together. Some are still missing, but they are pieces I need to find and place, not H. This is no longer our puzzle, but mine. If he wants to add some pieces, they will now have to fit somehow in mine. At some point, there will no longer be spaces for them.
Twink
M 65 H 64 T 39 & M 36 @ S 12/08 Two Ds
Do you know that the harder thing to do and the right thing to do are usually the same thing? Nothing that has meaning is easy. ~ The Weather Man
Thank you for your post. You may not come back here,(in light of your statement that you are no longer DBing) so I understand if you don't respond to this. If you do come back......I am curious why you decided to quit DBing. Does this mean you have accepted that a divorce may be the best result for you at this time and prefer to not spend your energy on trying to "bust" it?
Your lessons resonate with me. Especially the first. A good reminder that doing our best is a constant work in progress, without a measurable end point.
My husband asked me to meet him last night. first time in a few months. I always ask about the nature of the meeting so as not to be blindsided and as prepared as I can be. He told me the meeting is about his next steps. His lease is up on his current rental and he cannot renew it. He has decided to move to another rental with a year lease and told me he will begin divorce proceedings, specifically drafting a proposal to divide our assets.
And so, he is coming out of limbo land finally after 2 years of metaphorically wringing his hands and saying "I don't know what to do". He said he could not really move on until he is divorced because in his words, "who would want to have a relationship with a married man"? From what I heard last night:
current marriage = unhappiness and lack of fulfillment
still married but separated = unhappiness and hands tied to establish another relationship as long as tethered to current wife.
divorce = happiness and paper to allow him to find fulfilling relationship.
As I looked at him from across the table last evening, he had tears in his eyes during the whole conversation. I had to hear again how miserable he is yada yada yada. Can a piece of paper declaring you legally free from a marriage of 26 years, hold such promise to be free from the misery I witnessed in him last night. It seems a tall order to me.
Thanks for listening Twink. You are a class act. I hope I can land in a similar place.
He said he could not really move on until he is divorced because in his words, "who would want to have a relationship with a married man"?
Wow, my H said the same thing. But he thinks once we're divorced and both see other people, maybe then we can decide to get back together. He just needs a fair shot at meeting other people first. How crazy is that?
Of course, I realize that this sitch has messed me up and it's going to be awhile before I'm ready to meet other people. I need to work on me first.
M36 XH34 M-5 T7 4/11 H confused 5/11 ILYB 6/11 OW discovered 7/11 I move out, OW over 5/12-OW2,done->new EA, but H wont file 9/12 H "best bf ever" to EA/OW3 3/13 H/OW break up H files 4/13 D 6/18/13
Hey Back. No, divorce can't bring him happiness. But he thinks it can. Or rather, he thinks changing things can and sees his only option as continuing what he started. He knows he is not happy although may not know why exactly. He is hoping it's because of you because then he can wrap that up in a nice neat package and be "happy".
It's sad to watch the trainwreck actually. Some do find happiness in some regard. But when you chase rainbows and butterflies, you find them to be fleeting in most cases. Sometimes years, sometimes moments.
You can't reason with him. He won't listen. You can calmly tell him this is not what you want, but that you wish him well. You can decide if you want to be friends or not. He'll say he wants to be, but it won't be easy.
He has to reach bottom and there is no telling where that is or when it will come. Or what he'll do about it.
Since my eyes were opened to this part of life, I've seen it happen many times from both genders. It's sad no matter how you slice it. Especially when you can see things differently and know it doesn't have to be like this.
It's like a sickness he doesn't want to get better from. Or rather, thinks he knows how he wants to get better from it and it doesn't include anyone familiar to him.
Take care of yourself and be calm. Over the long term, things can and do change including you. Be well and take care of you; he'll have to figure this out on his own.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Thanks for chiming in with your post from 06/23. I have re-read it a few times. It is a good summary for me as my H is clearly moving on. He is moving into his 2nd rental this coming weekend. The lease on his first one is up and he couldn't renew it. I broached the subject of him moving home but he is clearly not interested in this as an option. He seems resolute to move forward with dissolving the marriage.
Twink, I am curious if your H acted on his request for a division of your assets? My H is working on this it seems as he has mentioned a few details in our recent conversation. I have not seen anything in writing but anticipate this is coming. I know I will have to secure legal representation soon if he presents me with anything. I am wondering if you had a difficult time finding an attorney considering your H like mine is an attorney. We live in a relatively small community in New England, and my H is well known in the legal world here. I don't know if I should go outside of this community or not. Lots of things to weigh these days, none of it being of my choice.
Our youngest son goes off to college this fall. Once we get him launched, I anticipate our paths will not cross for an extended period of time, perhaps even until the holidays. Maybe this will give me a mental reprieve of sorts to help me move on.
The disparity between H view of our marriage and mine still alarms me. At the moment, this troubles me the most. Did I have it so wrong? And if he has been as miserable as he expresses, why is he not the epitome of confidence in moving on. All three of our sons have commented on how sad and depressed he appears. I know it is a senseless task to try to connect the dots and my energy should be spent in other productive ways. I need to do more walking the walk and less talking it for sure.
Twink, If you do come back......I am curious why you decided to quit DBing.
Back56, it wasn't so much a decision as a slow realization. H has not been the person I thought I married for several years now. He doesn't seem to be aware of his changes, much less their effect on those of us who knew him best and loved him most. I have seen no evidence of any self-examination related to our marriage, no admission of any responsibility for its demise, no real remorse for his actions (as I did after a much earlier infidelity), and no desire to work on himself or come back to our marriage. He is clearly confused, constantly changing his mind and sending mixed messages -- pushes a financial division for 6 months, then drops it after I get an attorney and ask for information; kisses me when we meet, and acts in some old, personal ways in public, but no longer asks me to even have lunch with him -- I could go on.
I have a great deal of compassion for him, but the reality is that he is still far, far from the person I thought he was, and shows no sign of becoming that person again. As he is now, he is not someone I would choose to be with. So I am done. Not DONE done, maybe, but I no longer care if he sees me at less than my best, I no longer avoid saying what I need to say for fear it will push him away (even though there hasn't really been that much). I will simply be myself. If that isn't enough anymore for him, sobeit.
Quote:
Does this mean you have accepted that a divorce may be the best result for you at this time and prefer to not spend your energy on trying to "bust" it?
No, I have not accepted that it is the best result, but that it is likely. I will not live like this indefinitely, waiting for H's next move re our marriage.
Quote:
I always ask about the nature of the meeting so as not to be blindsided and as prepared as I can be.
I did this as well. Good for you!
Quote:
He has decided to move to another rental with a year lease and told me he will begin divorce proceedings, specifically drafting a proposal to divide our assets. And so, he is coming out of limbo land finally after 2 years of metaphorically wringing his hands and saying "I don't know what to do".
Maybe. You know what happened when my H seemed to be at that point! Just accept his decision, move forward with it as you must to protect yourself, and have no expectations.
You're doing very, very well, back 56. Keep moving forward!
M 65 H 64 T 39 & M 36 @ S 12/08 Two Ds
Do you know that the harder thing to do and the right thing to do are usually the same thing? Nothing that has meaning is easy. ~ The Weather Man
Twink, I am curious if your H acted on his request for a division of your assets? My H is working on this it seems as he has mentioned a few details in our recent conversation. I have not seen anything in writing but anticipate this is coming. I know I will have to secure legal representation soon if he presents me with anything. I am wondering if you had a difficult time finding an attorney considering your H like mine is an attorney. We live in a relatively small community in New England, and my H is well known in the legal world here. I don't know if I should go outside of this community or not. Lots of things to weigh these days, none of it being of my choice.
Sorry, back56, I thought I had mentioned this.
It has been over two months since I told H that two attorneys had agreed to advise me through our separation, and I requested some information related to his businesses before making a specific proposal to him. He has not responded to that request, nor has he pursued matters further. We continue to share finances as before he left, with the exception of personal recreation and entertainment, clothing, gifts, etc., for which we use our personal accounts. That suits me fine for now, so I have put my lawyers on standby.
I live in a small city in a small state. My H is very well-known locally as well as state-wide, and I knew from the beginning I would need to look out of town for an advisor. I asked several attorneys for recommendations, talked briefly to a few over the phone, and met with two who were repeatedly mentioned by the others. Both know of my H, but do not know him, which I think is ideal. If we go to divorce, I will have to choose one, but my dealings with them are helping be to narrow down my choice.
YMMV, but I hope this helps!
M 65 H 64 T 39 & M 36 @ S 12/08 Two Ds
Do you know that the harder thing to do and the right thing to do are usually the same thing? Nothing that has meaning is easy. ~ The Weather Man
Thank you Twink. I appreciate hearing your experience and perspective. I could have written your post myself. You may be a little ahead of me in the process but the parallels are uncanny.
I hope and trust I can handle my situation with a fraction of the grace and grounding you have demonstrated.
My two mantras I claim tonight:
1. zero expectations 2. "sit and be still and the answers will come to you" (this is a frequent quote of someone on the board and I apologize for not giving credit where it is due)
Thank you again Twink. You have been a help to me.
2. "sit and be still and the answers will come to you"
One of my favorites as well. Meditation has become a part of my life. This is a very long process for most MLCers, and we have plenty of time to let our inner voices be heard. I now give the same to many other parts of my life. It is time well spent.
Twink
M 65 H 64 T 39 & M 36 @ S 12/08 Two Ds
Do you know that the harder thing to do and the right thing to do are usually the same thing? Nothing that has meaning is easy. ~ The Weather Man
A couple of questions for you. Or for anyone reading this.
1. Did your husband ever explain his "position" on the marriage etc, to your daughters? All 3 of my sons are mystified at their Dad's actions. I think this is creating a potentially harmful effect for them. Our boys are 18,20 and 22. From their perspective they were raised in a loving, caring home with parents who loved each other. They cannot wrap their arms around this......for that matter neither can I.
2. Did the two of you ever try a weekend retreat or something like the 2 day intensive with Michele Weiner-Davis? I am considering this as my stipulation if/when my H comes to be with his proposal for the division of our assets. I realize if he is still in the thick of his MLC, this won't likely be the best time for a one on one with Michele. However, from what I have read on this website about it, it is not uncommon for couples to do this when they are starting divorce proceedings. It would be me saying to H, "I will consider mediation if you agree to a 2 day intensive with Michele in Boulder." Just something I have been giving some thought.
