I dropped in tonight and was quite surprised to realize that my last post on my thread was nine months ago! That's a good sign, I think, if not for my marriage, at least for me.
Since that post, the biggest development has been H's request to divide finances, with the expressed expectation that any agreement we reached would stick through a divorce, if and when that happened. At first, this really unbalanced me, but my response to uncertainty has always been to make a plan. H is a lawyer, and I knew I would be a fool to negotiate with him without consulting my own, so I started getting recommendations through friends and other legal contacts. After several emails back and forth over a few months, it became clear that H was committed to do this, and I would have to act, so I reluctantly made that first difficult call to find legal advice and support. I spoke with three lawyers, each about two hours away, on the phone, and traveled to see two of them in person; both agreed to advise me though this on an hourly basis, and step in front of me if negotiations became unproductive or difficult. I will not lower myself to participate in an ugly fight, nor jeopardize the civil relationship with H that I have, over money, but I will protect myself and my future.
So, after learning more about what I might be entitled to, I asked H for some documents related to the few parts of our finances that are not in my view, and said that I would then work up a proposal for division, and run it by my lawyers before putting it on the table. That was five+ weeks ago. He has not responded to that email or produced the information I requested. Hmmm. I don't know why he has abandoned this push for now, but I feel that I have people on board who can help me, however this progresses.
It was unexpected, but that first appointment with a lawyer flipped a switch. I was, quite suddenly, both empowered and resigned. If H proceeds, I will be fine. If he doesn't, I will when I need to. If there is something he is hiding, it will come out eventually. It still s**ks, but it is what is is, and I am OK.
Twink
M 65 H 64 T 39 & M 36 @ S 12/08 Two Ds
Do you know that the harder thing to do and the right thing to do are usually the same thing? Nothing that has meaning is easy. ~ The Weather Man
I have read most of your posts this morning. I can relate to much of your story. I am 56, my husband is 60. We are approaching our 26th wedding anniversary this June. My husband moved out of our family home last Sept. He is renting a cottage about 5 minutes from our home. We have three beautiful sons, #1 son is 22 and just graduated from college, #2 son is 20 and is finishing his sophomore year in college and #3 son just graduated from high school. My husband dropped the bomb in January of 2011. I did all of the wrong stuff until I found this site last summer and began (as my DB coach would say) DBing my head off.
My situation differs from yours in one way, that to date I am not aware of any OW in my husband's life. I know I could be wrong about this, but there has been no evidence or indication of an affair. The thing my husband seems to have turned to is work. He works constantly. Even when he was living at home, this became his escape, on weekends. He would sit at our dining room table with his computer for hours and work.
What is very confusing for me in all of this is the state of limbo my husband lives in. Since he left last Sept. there have been a few "touch and goes". In Feb he said he would like to work on our relationship, thought we should go sailing in the Caribbean together to celebrate his 60th birthday, spend more time together, etc and then a month later is was BAM! Total retreat back into the tunnel. He does not move forward with any talk of divorce, or legal separation (he is a lawyer so he is very in tune with all the "legalities") He says he does not know what to do. This has been his line for almost 2 years. Really?????, you smart, talented man, who has accomplished so much in your life, you don't know what to do or what you want? So uncharacteristic of him. He has to move out of his rental cottage by June 30th because the owners need it for July and August. We live in a location where there are a lot of vacation properties. He has not shared with me or any of the boys as to what he is doing as of June 30th. I am certain he has no plans to move home. Some friends say that they think he is waiting for me to make the move with going forward with the divorce. That way he won't have to own the action and look like the bad guy. He can blame me. I don't know if this is true, but it could be a possibility.
So here we sit in limbo land. I have been GALing etc and getting great coaching from my DB coach. I have had no trouble detaching as it is actually easier for me than trying to hold on to smoke as they say. We have had several events that require us to be together with graduations etc. Everything is always pleasant and civil and H, prides himself on how well we get along. I have learned that his image in public is much more important than I ever realized. And he does not want to be perceived as the bad guy I am sure. So he loves to portray us as the good friends playing nice together. Kind of makes me sick, but I haven't figured out a better way to "be" in public.
This, as for all of us on this board, is not the life I had envisioned for myself. I so thought I would be one of those people enjoying my spouse as we transitioned into the empty nest stage of life, looking forward to weddings and grandchildren together, enjoying all of the things we used to do, and now have the time and money to do. I am mourning the loss of my dreams.
What I need help with and I welcome any input here, is how to behave, act, change the dynamic with him so that he understands he is risking losing me. I am quite sure he sees me as moving on with my life, but still waiting in the wings for him. Does this make sense. I back slid about 5 months ago and said to him, "I am a one man woman". That I would not be interested in another relationship. which is absolutely true and honest, but I know not a good thing to share with him.
I don't want to date, I don't want another man in my life, but he may think I will just be around indefinitely should he change his mind and come home. And I don't want to fake dating just to get a rise out of him. But I do think I need to "change it up" as they say. I take good care of myself and always try to look pretty when I am out and about. So it is not like he is looking at a frumpy dowdy middle age woman, but he is not looking at me with va va voom eyes I am quite sure.
I saw Bonnie Raitt in concert recently. She is 62, and looks and acts so classy and hip, but completely age appropriate. Like she doesn't have to try at all to be this magnet of attraction. A great example of a woman who hasn't lost her touch, but isn't trying to look or act like she is still 30.
Have rambled on here, but thank you to anyone who reads this. And thank you Twink for sharing your story. I don't know how to make arrangements on this board to connect with someone one on one, but I would love to be able to connect with you by email if possible.
Thanks for dropping in here, and especially for reading my threads, which are not as long as some here, but do stretch back a few years.
It does appear that we have some similarities of story. What stood out for me was that your H does not want to move forward with a legal separation or divorce. It seems that, despite his prior push, my H does not either. I can think of many reasons why that might be, but they are all conjecture, and I am trying not to waste my time there. Rather, I want to simply make decisions based on what I need right now, and involve him only when necessary.
As far as changing the dynamic with your H so he sees he is really losing you -- there is not anything you can do with that expectation. Expectations will kill you. You have to live him losing you, and mean it. Keep your own counsel closely, especially with your children and family and friends, and live your life. Be civil, of course. That will be necessary for effective co-parenting going forward, set a positive example for your children, and give you something to be proud of going forward. Otherwise, act as you would toward an old friend, because that is what he is right now. Initiate contact only when necessary about finances or the kids, respond only when necessary, and always with just the facts. This will help your detachment immensely.
Most of us, myself included, take a while to really live this advice, even though we understand it intellectually and try to practice it. It will come. Trust yourself.
Be strong and well. You will get through this.
M 65 H 64 T 39 & M 36 @ S 12/08 Two Ds
Do you know that the harder thing to do and the right thing to do are usually the same thing? Nothing that has meaning is easy. ~ The Weather Man
Thank you for responding Twink. I appreciate your insight and steady at the helm mental state.
I have a challenge this week. Thursday is our 26th wedding anniversary. If I did not have to see H, I think I could get through the day ok. But our youngest son's senior banquet is also Thursday, requiring us to at least be in the same room in public and no doubt interact on some level. It is a painful coincidence for me. To act civilly is never a problem for us. It will be ok and look just fine to all involved, including our son. But I will be dieing on the inside, thinking about what the day means to me. Maybe it is no coincidence. Maybe I have to go through that pain. And I also need to work on the "stop husband thoughts" exercise.
If H is so determined to leave our marriage and move on, I cannot understand why he does not act on this. I think his state of limbo land is a conundrum even to himself. Very dear, life long friends of ours said to me recently, "this is the dumbest break up we have ever seen." Spoken clearly from someone who has not experienced a MLC.
I can do the things you suggest, with zero expectations, GALing, keeping my own counsel,behaving with integrity and grace. I do see this time in my life as an incredible example for my boys.....to see their Mom act with dignity and love and compassion. I know they need to see my human side too that occasionally hurts and is sad. This is SO not what I wanted for them or us. The only way I see to make any sense of this is for something good to come out of it. What that is remains to be seen.....
Back, I really feel for your situation. My xh left a marriage ovf over 30 years, and has never looked back. It is hard at times to see what good has come out of it. Like you it is not what I wanted for my adult children, and it still seems so unnecessary.
Do not look for any rationality in your xh - he is acting out his own reality, and it seems pretty weird to those of us who are in a more normal reality where people do not think it is OK to go chasing rainbows of imagined happiness, at a huge cost in emotional and material terms to those they leave behind.
The example we set to your children is that of strength, and as much grace as we can muster, and in my case that is not always very much!
Nearly seven years on it appears that my xh honestly has no regrets and is happy in his own way. It seems incomprehensible to me that he can be happy in the circumstances that he is in, compared with what he had,but I do believe he now is. Which is good in a weird way. I always felt that to cause so much devastation and not achieve happiness was the worst outcome.
i think his journey is near its end, in that he has no further to go. He has chosen to leave his family and live his life apart from us with a succession of OW, which he says is what he wants out of life. He never hit bottom, and is still in what is called replay, but I have come to believe that the stages of MLC are arbitrary, and I also think that few of them ever come back. Some do, but the majority of MLcers are lost to us, and possibly to themselves, forever. This doesn't mean we should give up hope or stop trying, or even stop loving them. But zero expectations is about right.
Dropping the rope, and severing the strong emotional connection of a lifetime spent with someone is extremely difficult. Even if they are not changed by the experience, we are, and I work on a daily basis on trying to make the changes positive and find the good in life. It does get easier in time, but only those who have walked out path have any idea what it is really like.
Sorry to butt in but wanted to comment to back56. Our sitchs are very similar. Our 29th anniversary just past. We fell in love 33 years ago. I feel she is in a MLC also. She is trying to do her life over. She just turned 50 but is trying to be 30 again. Very hard to watch. And one of her changes was to leave our marriage and be on her own. Not that I was blameless throuogh the years. But you really touched on something. The loss of your dreams. I too am saddened by the same things. Our last child is halfway through college. The best years were yet to come. We would finally have time just to be with each other. To reconnect. We were financially able to do what ever we wanted to do. My W changed. I felt no longer important to her. I reacted badly to the situation, and probably made it worse. Both my DIL and my soon to be DIL parents are divorced. I had so hoped for W and I to be an example of how good a marriage could be. To be a good example. This saddens me greatly. The loss of the future is almost has bad has what I am going through now. I definately know how you are feeling.
Many of our stories are similar. I am also experiencing a H trying to do a do over. He is now living with the ow that he dated at 16. (That was 40 years ago) Left a M of 27+ years to do so just 2 weeks after he re-met her.
I, too, have felt the loss of my dreams. After over 2 1/2 years since H left,(H displayed symptoms of MLC for a few years before he left, I just didn't realize what it was at the time.) I've had to change my thinking and have some new dreams.
Beatrice, thank you for your thoughtful comments. Your comment, "Even if they are not changed by the experience, we are," really struck a chord with me. I don't see any life altering changes in my H, but WOW, how his decision has changed my life completely. I am sure the wise, experienced DBing vets would say oh for the better eventually, if we do our work. And I get that in theory, just not yet in mind and heart. The lack of any control in my situation is hard for me. I hate the whole image of being a victim and whole heartedly agree this mentality is not healthy or productive, so one needs to move along and make something good of it. My reality at this current moment in time feels like I have been handed something from my H (one could argue that it is a "gift" of sorts or maybe an opportunity) but I don't like it, and I want to give it back to him. It's like being given a 5000 piece puzzle to complete with no choice in the matter. I look at it daunted by the enormity and work involved, patience it would take to complete, attention to detail. You get the picture. And I don't have the option to give back the puzzle. I am forced to take it and make something of it, and he likely will not offer to find or place any of the pieces to help me. Arghhhhhh!
I'd like to scream from the rafters, "don't I have any say in this????"
NDfarmer and seeking answers, I too wanted to be that intact family......a solid foundation for love and security in this crazy, unpredictable world. To give that up for what? My H thankfully isn't doing any crazy stuff (at least not obvious that I or our boys can see) I just can't imagine the reward or gain in this for him?!? Different rose colored glasses I guess. Maybe we need to work on a revision of our future dreams. I don't know what that would look like exactly or how to do it, but I know one thing for sure, it probably isn't a good idea that five years from now, we are still thinking about the same impossible dreams we have today. Seeking answers, sounds like this is what you have been doing, dreaming new dreams. Good for you. I hope I get there.
My apologies Twink if I acted like a steam roller on your thread. I hope I didn't send you away. I haven't quite figured out the proper etiquette on the board and think I may have used bad form to carry on about my situation on your thread.
My apologies Twink if I acted like a steam roller on your thread. I hope I didn't send you away. I haven't quite figured out the proper etiquette on the board and think I may have used bad form to carry on about my situation on your thread.
Hope you are well
Back56
I am sure she doesn't mind but it might be a good idea to put it on your thread too.
