My wife chose the "M is over" path but yet she will not leave, nor does she want me to leave. She needs to "get back on her feet" she says. She said she would end the "A" but I know she has not because today she told me she is in love with him again and that does not happen without feedback.
Me 39 W 37 S 5 D 2.75 Married 12 years Together 14 years Bomb Dropped 08/16/10
The description you gave about your Wife all the way down to her Name is just disturbing to me. It sounds like we're married to the same person.
If she is truly having a life crisis and an affair, then maybe you should look into the MLC Forum and see if you can pull some information from resource threads.
As far as the Affair goes, there is nothing you can do to stop it if she's not willing too. Sandi is dead on with the word "consequences" and more than likely when you confront her with ending the affair or move out, she WILL choose OM. I think she needs to really know that you will not tolerate an open marriage and follow through on that particular consequence.
As far as just filing Divorce to shake her up. Let me ask you, do want a Divorce? I mean DO YOU really want a Divorce? If you follow through and it doesn't work in shaking her out of the fog are you going to be looking in the mirror with regret that you didn't try something differently?
You have every right to be angry and feel betrayed, but forgiveness is the gift you give yourself.
I confronted wife about OM. It wasn't the best setting, but the iron was hot. The response I got wasn't what I expected. She was defensive and really wanted to know where I got my information. While saying she didn't want to hurt me, she wasn't overly sorry.
She also said that it was over with the OM and coincidentally she ended it just hours prior when he became controlling and weird. I said that it had to be over and if it wasn't she had to move out immediately. I also mentioned that she hasn't been a present mom and this has really hurt the kids. I kept stressing the kids. She came back to where I got my info and I wouldn't tell her. Although I let her think one of his friends got guilty ... I have to admit that part was fun.
The next morning she was much more sorry and explained that she contected with him and considered our marriage over many months before. She also said that she was relived everything was over because it was taking a toll on her.
Fast forward 6 hours: she calls me at work and asks me to lunch the next day saying that she wants to start repairing her relationship with me and the kids. She then went therapy and came back raw, but in a better place.
We've spoken for hours about all this and now she says she's willing to work on our marriage after considering it completely over. I also was able to block his number from her cell phone (there was heavy texting).
I have asked many questions about the affair and she has been really open (almost to a fault), but she also says that there are still lingering feelings for him. I've told her that I will file if she goes back to him, but will also be really honest with her if she is with me.
Do I trust someone I love that has been lying to me the past few months or am I an idiot? I'm deathly afraid that one of them will contact and feelings will come rushing back and I'll be back to square one.
Also, I feel like the story of how they broke it off doesn't add up. I know they've ended it, but not sure if she ended it. Does that even matter?
She has many valid points about how our marriage was broken and I plan on addressing every one. One big one is that I'm controlling, but how can I not be a little controlling about the affair and what she's up to after the deception. I don't want to be a dictator, but she can't be trusted right now either.
Thanks in advance for any help. I have re-read DR about infidelity multiple times now.
Well GusP, if all her reactions at this point are genuine, then I think you guys have a really good chance.
BUT
I would be very VERY cautiously optimistic. You never know, she could be pretending to throw herself back into working on the marriage to get you off her tracks...so just be careful.
I would work on improving every controlling tendency (and other issues) you had that caused stress in the relationship, EXCEPT when asking for transparency from her. You need access to her lines of communication to make sure a relationship with the OM doesn't spark back up...if it did indeed end.
Tell her that trust needs to be re-established, and that if she wants to improve the marriage, she can help rebuild that trust by being transparent. Also make sure you offer to do the same (give her access to any of your accounts) Tell her that there should be nothing to hide between spouses and you're willing to be completely open and transparent too.
Good luck man! I hope you get this all back on track quickly!
M: 29, W: 28 Together 8 years, Married 1 (5/16/09) Bomb (LYBNILWY)4/22/10 Affair discovered 5/3/10, began Jan/Feb 2010 Separated 5/22/10 - Present Affair exposed 7/7/10 No children
I havent posted in ages. lots doing in my life as well which i might post in near future. our life circumstances are the same (unfortunately) although some differences: 5 kids not 3, OM (2nd one actually!!) also married w/ 4 kids, but thankfully lives >1000 miles away now. i exposed on Labor Day Monday this year. My W had EA/PA, and the WAS basically all say same things. denied, denied, denied to no end. have since gotten some admissions but minimal. denies contact. have been in limited communication with OM and had lots w/ OMW. ugh.
as Coach (another banned one) used to say, hope for the best but plan for the worst (to paraphrase). it has only been over a week for u so a lot of this is heart wrenching and new to a degree. ur W is NOT in her right mind. as MWD has said numerous times, do not believe 100% of what she says and only 50% of what she does. it is a very good sign that ur W has been forthcoming w/ details. when she says that she's ended it, take that w/ a grain of salt. u never know.
this is all based on quicksand. it is also a rollercoaster. ur W (and mine) are aliens. they are not the woman we married, but then again u and I have changed, no? except we have not clouded our brain with the A. pick up Shirley Glass "Not Just Friends." only now am i reading it. awesome is the one word description. eye opening. it will help in the coming days, weeks and months (perhaps next 1-2 y). u need to ask yourself, "do i love this woman?" "how far am i willing to go?" our children are very much a real consideration here.
there is so much more i could post but just know that we are all here on the board for one another. take heart amigo. sandi has been especially helpful to me with her insights bc she was a WAS herself. heed her advice.
can say with certainty that WAS's are blinded by their affairs. Allen (one of the "banned" ones who previously posted here) was correct in saying that their brains are flooded by PEA's or the various chemicals and neurotransmitters in the brain that make it feel good when u r involved in a newly minted romantic pairing/bonding. it CANNOT compare to the attachment and relationship that u have with ur W. unfortunately she cannot see that clearly bc she is clouded by her A. does she think that this OM, who's single w/ no real responsibility, is going to run away with her and ur kids 50% of the time? what fantasy world is she living in? if u look at the facts of the A, u will see that under the cold, harsh light of truth there are so many things wrong about it that makes it completely NOT viable. won't last. absolutely. single guy wants 3 kids? yeah right. LOL.
look at my sitch. father of 4 wants my 5 too? WTF are these people smoking? there is a ludicrousness to it all. so take heart that u r starting off in a good place hopefully, but do not buy what she is trying to sell without some caution. continue working on yourself. be that dad you always wanted to be. my shortcoming was also in my parenting. i know THAT now. am working on it and other things as result. it will pay dividends with her or without her. in time u have to be able to tell yourself that you can go on with her bc u WANT to be with her, but u can go on without her bc u do not NEED to be with her. be that man u were when u first met and fell in love. be a better u for u. i know it sounds corny, but it is soooo true.
BTW cannot imagine that u, Faith and I all have wives with the same first name? wow. maybe there is something in a name?
Thanks for the great posts Mike and Save. I agree with what you're saying about not trusting fully -- and that's my biggest problem. Well, outside of being devastated.
Are you supposed to keep up with the tactics that allowed you to find out about the affair in the first place? I hate combing through cell phone bills and other sources to see if she's back to her hurtful ways. But I don't wanna be a fool either. I feel crappy either way.
I've also stumbled upon another thing I never thought about: the "limbo" phase. The phase where she's ended the affair, but not fully back to working on the marriage. And it's a totally legitimate phase. I can see that's she's going through some weird sense of loss and is in limbo. She's working her way back to normal with the kids though and that's important. Just not sure how long this phase lasts and when we work on us.
She also mentioned that the OM gave her money too and hasn't asked for it back, but she feels she needs to pay him back. I said to her: "you can't stay away can you?" Her reply was, "I have so far." Which I guess was the right answer. One day at a time. I told her I'd write a check and mail it. She didn't love that.
Save, you're right about the affair being this new shiny toy. I will say this: once it's out in the open, it's not so shiny anymore. I think the A started to move from fantasy land to more like a real relationship and that snapped her to attention. I think she can that, but feels a loss at the same time.
The weird thing is that I came to grips that it was over, and now the marriage started breathing again. It's not a strong breath, but a breath nonetheless. I just need to decide if it's best for everyone involved or if that ship has sailed. I think the holidays will go a long way in deciding that, but I know my kids want their parents together again.
Sure GusP. burning the midnight oil, eh? in the first couple of nights post-exposure i too had trouble sleeping. am working right now else i would be sleeping. it has been 2 months since the truth finally came out although i had strong suspicions all along, and about his guy in particular! total idiot bc who knows if i could have busted this thing sooner before it went from EA to PA. asleep at the wheel. another way to think of it though is that it had to happen or else maybe would not be where i am now on road to reconciliation somewhat?
i would say that given the newness of it all, i would not shy away from gathering intel, @ least trying to ascertain that she is no longer in contact. as far as gathering data like dates, where, when, etc would say don't sweat it bc that leads to obsession, etc. in the days, weeks and months to follow, u may experience things and feelings that are reminiscent of PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder). just read in Shirley Glass' book: there is INTRUSION, CONSTRICTION and HYPERVIGILANCE. you can go from obsession to being numb to being super alert, respectively. a little more complex than that afraid to say bc not that simplistic.
have read in multiple places that ur W's ability to work back and remove the OM from her system is one month for every month she was involved in the A. my W? @ least 6 months, if not longer. she still refuses to come clean in my case. suspect she doesn't bc of her guilt and what she would characterize as her lack of trust in me that i will hurt her with what i know. i was VERY calm when i discussed it with her but for one night when i detailed her with some of the facts i had learned about her trysts. my goal is to get her to come clean bc apparently that is needed for real healing to begin. it signifies trust.
how much $? if it's lots, would think carefully. it was her choice to take the $ thus would be somewhat reluctant to bail her out.
A's are most def about the secrecy. when faced with the light of day, it does not seem as romantic or thrilling as it once did before. ur W will be in mourning. she WAS in love. not real love that u and she have in your M or had. will say have although she might give u the line of "ILYBNILWY," "i never loved u," "i don't know why we got married," "i can't remember the good times," "i haven't loved u in years," "i haven't wanted to have sex with you i a long time, it was u initiating it," etc yadda yadda yadda.
be prepared for the long haul. this will take time for her to process, at least 3 months. the holidays will help bc that is ALL about family.
Save, you're a godsend. Great advice and the one month or recovery per one month of the affair makes a lot of sense. As painful as it may be.
It was only $500 but I'm trying to take away any avenue that might make one of them want to try and connect. I know that if they really want to connect, they will, but I don't want to make it easy. What I really want to do is pay him a visit ...
BIG TIP: AT&T has a service where for $5 a month you can block up to 15 numbers from calling or texting your phone. His number has been blocked.
Tonight the OM put up song lyrics on his Facebook that basically told my wife he was done trying (basically a last ditch effort). She's sad and I don't know if this is just a natural progression of letting go of the affair, or if this means I need to spring into action.
I have been the bigger man, but sometimes a guy just needs to be William Wallace. She basically gave me every option to leave her tonight, but I didn't. That being said, I am beyond devastated. I don't want to be a doormat, but I want to protect my marriage and my kids.
I know she is going through something and not sure what to do. I'm just trying to decide if she really is thinking of going back to him or going through the natural progression of getting over an intense relationship. To be honest, I'm not sure how much more I can take of this.
I want to make the marriage work, but the roller coaster is killing me.
Now is the time to protect your heart...by keeping it OPEN, and keeping hers open.
I know she is going through something and not sure what to do. I'm just trying to decide if she really is thinking of going back to him or going through the natural progression of getting over an intense relationship. To be honest, I'm not sure how much more I can take of this.
Your behavior now will be key. She has to be grieving the situation, working through it, and while that is painful for you, it will be so worthy it down the line when your marriage has healed. Her love for you will grow stronger when she sees how kind you've been.
