In-house Separation...feel lost

[Steve McQueen]

She spends most of her time working out and not eating much at all. This week, she started going into work an hour early and coming home a half hour late. She has not been interested at all in spending time with our son. She has been more interested in dressing up for work and looking good (just like her friends from work do). She missed our son's flu shot this week so she could go get a new cell phone instead. She is leaving for the entire upcoming weekend to visit a friend in West VA

You will eventually find out your wife is having an affair.

[Bman24]

i hear what youre saying steve. trust me, my radar has been up on that one. Ive done my fair share of snooping (not proud of it). Being a police officer, it just comes naturally (not a good thing).

She has always worked out excessively to deal with stress. She only works with a bunch of women and doesnt go out on the weekends (except to her family's house). She talks to me about her friends, shows pics, etc. We still have joint cell phone bills so I can see there hasn't been any weird phone numbers. Unless it's strictly a text message EA or something like that, I just cant see any other indicators. plus, after reading these boards, it seems calling her out or flatly asking if she is having an affair wont be beneficial for anyone. She can just lie or get pissed at me for asking (therefore, reinforcing her negative feelings toward me), right?

my gut feeling is still that she is just incredibly unhappy. she wants to feel good about herself and not be in our situation. that is why her distancing herself from our son is bothering me. If she has a problem with me, fine. Its just not like her to want to be away from our son.

[Bman24]

oh, and in addition. the thing that really seems to be most difficult for me is the fact that she was pregnant with our 2nd child until she miscarried at 12 weeks in august of this year. fast forward 2 months and shes done with the marriage and needs space.

She also made comments that "our son is old enough now where he doesnt need his mom like he used to." i stayed home with her for 2 weeks after the D&C. it seemed like she didnt outwardly grieve at all during that time. she was very emotional during our first miscarriage a few years ago.

she has also said a few months ago that she was worried about being emotionally ready to try and have another child.

i am worried about her. i know she said she wanted to see a counselor for herself. she got the authorization from the insurance but hasnt gone yet. im just really concerned about her detachment from our son.

[bluestar]

I fear that you will find an A eventually. It just almost always turns out to be the case. However, the miscarriage is really playing with her emotions right now and she is in serious denial. Women can still get post partum depression after a miscarriage. What you are describing is pretty typical after multiple miscarriages. She feels worthless as a mother and a woman. She feels unworthy of love from you and her son. She's using the unhealthy behavior to medicate the depression.

Have you discussed this with her at all(prior to the current sitch)?

[Bman24]

Hey there,

Its been a few weeks since my last post. I read these boards frequently and they definitely help. Over the last few weeks, we've gotten most of the financial issues straightened out. We got separate checking accounts and laid out the ground rules for paying bills, etc. The whole process went much smoother than I thought it would. The W just seemed surprised as to how little extra spending money we actually had each month. She had been spending like crazy over the last month so it definitely eases my mind to have my own money and not worry about her draining everything.

That aside, my suspicions on a possible A have grown. I have no concrete proof at this point. However, there have been some huge red flags. About a month ago, she went to her primary physician and got a prescription for birth control pills. granted, she did nothing to hide the prescription and left the pills on her counter for a week. I know she has complained about her period for a long time and was irregular after the miscarriage in August.

So, she has not started taking the pills yet and has been having her period for the last several days (tampon casings all over the house). Well, yesterday she was out Xmas shopping for our boy and nieces. She told me that she put all the presents downstairs for me to look at, etc. So, in looking at the receipts (we are paying for the presents jointly), I noticed 2 Pregnancy Tests on one of them. Again, she knew I was going to look at those. I went upstairs and it looked as if she used one of the pregnancy tests.

I just dont get that. If you are in the middle of your period, why on earth would you need to take a pregnancy test? Any info on that would be appreciated. I really am curious.

I have been busy doing my 180's and GAL. Ive been very consistent and Im sure the W has noticed. I feel great physically and Im in the best shape of my life. Im looking good, smelling good, doing tons around the house and for our son. Im not pressing her for conversation but I am actively listening when she talks to me.

Im just having a tough time with my current status. I am just angry about the possible lying, A. I am trying to stay warm, yet detached, but I am having a hard time even wanting to be in her presence right now. I am leaving for a work a bit earlier (on some days) just to get out and get a break. Is this OK to do right now??

When I do leave, she seems more concerned with what I am up to. She texts me about unnecessary things and acts more involved with me the next day. The last two Saturday nights, we have even gone out as a family. We did Xmas lights and coffee one weekend and last weekend we went toy shopping and she even suggested that we stop and have Subway together.

A few days ago, she was saying "thank you" to me for almost every little thing I did. She also said "bless you" when i sneezed for the first time in over a month.

Im just feeling incredibly conflicted right now. I still love my W and family but I feel like I am the one that really needs more space right now. Does that make sense?

I am just disappointed more than anything. If there is an A, I truly believe it will all play out. I have thought about snooping on our computer, etc but I always talk myself out of it and never want to sink to that level. I want to keep my dignity in all of this.

She also talks to me about her Mom's situation with Cancer frequently and in detail. She tears up and I get a glimpse of the person I know and love. She always initiates the conversation every few days. However, she never looks me in the eyes when she talks about it. I make sure that I give her the support she needs in that area.

Im really just need to vent right now and get a little advice on how to proceed in my current situation. Should I just keep doing the things that are working?? Is it OK to make a bit more time for myself when I am feeling angry/frustrated with her behavior??

Any advice is always appreciated. Hell, I really just needed to write all of this down for my own sake. Thank you all so much for reading.

[ScaredinCanada]

Bman,

Just wanted to say you seem to be handling things great (or your just a really good writer!), and your self-control in the situations you speak of is something I wish I had. The second my W brings up anything remotely related to our R, I get emotional/upset about where we are headed. Usually this happens on the weekend when we are both home for most of the time.

I really think it's important to get out and find your own identity. Changing your routine is good for you and also gets the W's attention.

Like you I am focusing on my kids more than ever and although at times it's tiring I'm enjoying it so much. I'm just really watching them - the little things and it makes me feel proud. I took them out to a birthday party last nigh (no W, she had to work) and they had a great time.

I have to try and make some plans for the weekend, just to keep busy and avoid getting "attached" again.

Vent away, read other people's sitchs. It gives me hope and helps me cope - as well as the strength to be strong and detach.

Your well ahead of me, but I know we can all do it. Keep going!

[Coach]

She spends most of her time working out and not eating much at all. This week, she started going into work an hour early and coming home a half hour late. She has not been interested at all in spending time with our son. She has been more interested in dressing up for work and looking good (just like her friends from work do). She missed our son's flu shot this week so she could go get a new cell phone instead. She is leaving for the entire upcoming weekend to visit a friend in West VA.

About a month ago, she went to her primary physician and got a prescription for birth control pills.

I noticed 2 Pregnancy Tests on one of them. Again, she knew I was going to look at those. I went upstairs and it looked as if she used one of the pregnancy tests.

I just dont get that. If you are in the middle of your period, why on earth would you need to take a pregnancy test? Any info on that would be appreciated. I really am curious.

Go ask one of the detectives in your unit what's going on.

[seeking answers]

it looked as if she used one of the pregnancy tests.

I just dont get that. If you are in the middle of your period, why on earth would you need to take a pregnancy test? Any info on that would be appreciated. I really am curious.

Is it possible that instead of having her period she thinks she may be pregnant and spotting or having another miscarriage?

Just throwing that out there as a possible explanation.

[angel61]

Maybe she is just trying to make you suspicious or angry, Bman. She wants you to think she is having an affair so that you could lose it and be the one at fault. I think the WAS does that to make them feel less guilty, give them a reason to leave.

You have been very good, I believe the background in psychology really helps you understand the principles of DB. Keep it up and hang in there. In the book, they always say that when you are feeling angry and frustrated, as all of us do get at times, to do something about it as long as the WAS does not get to see you in that state. I used to get out, drive, cry in the car, talk to myhself, or call a friend.

She sounds like she is having a midlife crisis, or some hormonal imbalance that is making her go a little crazy.

[maple]

my suspicions on a possible A have grown

Is this what your gut feeling is telling you?
Trust your gut feelings! They are usually right. It was in my case.