Gut, Thanks. I have been following your sitch.. that [censored].. I feel you man.
We are going to counseling. We have another on Friday. I came home after being gone a week. Wife was prickly, claimed she had a headache.. blah blah.. I told her I missed my family. I also told her I looked forward to her communications and I love you's from her. She hugged me and we went to our sons TKD Black Belt award ceremony. When we got home she and I talked for a few more minutes.. I told her Marriage is a two way street, and I feel like the only car on the road.. she said she understood and that she was still here and would not string me along. She also said she knows I am trying and can see it and then said she loved me and is in love with me.
We hugged and left it there.. light..
I am just going to Act as if..
M:42 W:39 S:9 M:20 T:25 D-bomb: 30 Sep 10 Wife changed her mind: 31 Oct 10 Working on it: 31 Oct 10
Some movement this morning.. she is less cold than before. We talked for a while this morning just lying in bed.. I used the swimming pool as a metaphor. I am in the deep end treading water telling my W the water is fine and jump in! Hell Cannonball and commit to making the marriage better than before.. she said.. "I am sitting on the side with my legs in the water. I am not ready to Cannonball".
So there we have it. I am going to "Act as If" she can come along and sit on the side of the pool.
Her Christmas party tonight.
I checked her cell phone. No sign of OM at all. I pretty sure that is history. I do notice a lot of office friends text messages etc.. nothing specific to one person, just her support structure. Still pisses me off she makes the time to be friendly and txt her office mates, and I beg for any email or txt like a dog for a bone.. or at least I did before...
M:42 W:39 S:9 M:20 T:25 D-bomb: 30 Sep 10 Wife changed her mind: 31 Oct 10 Working on it: 31 Oct 10
Her Christmas party was nothing big. She is the life of the work place, miss sunbeam and everyone loves her. Of course her office mates, looked at me like i was the biggest SOB in town, because they only got her side of the story about why she wanted to Divorce and none of them know about her EA with the OM. So anyways, we sat with a group of friends, wife flittered off to mingle often leaving me at the table sober (I was the Des Driver) and alone. What a picture I must have looked like. Wife also showed NO affection, no public display of handholding or arm around each other nothing.. drove home, she asked how I liked the party, I replied "fine" she could tell I was avoiding the topic and I tried to tell her to let it go, then she demanded the truth, so I told her I felt like she probably would have enjoyed going without me, since I she did not interact with me or even show the me the respect of acknowledging I was there other then the occasional can you go get me a drink..
She said she didnt realize that she did that and apologized.
She also made it a point to tell me that it was important her work friends see we are still together and that demonstrates she is committed? (WTH?)
I have let it go..
Yesterday and today have been pretty mellow. She sent me a txt telling me she realizes I am trying and she can see that I am...
whatever. I am starting to grow tired of being the only one who is demonstrating committment.
We will see. I am headed back to my Job in Mississippi this afternoon after we go to lunch and I intend to continue my minimal email txt phones...
M:42 W:39 S:9 M:20 T:25 D-bomb: 30 Sep 10 Wife changed her mind: 31 Oct 10 Working on it: 31 Oct 10
Havent read all your post but just to answer you question..
180's are here to stay, you should have done them for you not to gain your H/W back.. so what ever you changed you should be keeping and actually fighting for..
Some times detaching is just better in a situation, better to take time, walk away, get your focus back..
Ironically I have been back with my H in piecing for a year now and back in the same house about ten months.. Now I actually get quite cross with H if I see him letting go/ going back to his old habits all the ones he said he needed to get away from me because I was stopping him do them.. Believe its not too hard to remind him that he left me to do them and he now has some honour to stick to them, as other wise he made my life hell for nothing!
Hope this makes sense?
____________________________
W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
Can you stil be piecing and be doing 180's? Seems odd to find myself detaching somewhat after fighting so hard for this...
I'm not at the piecing stage, but one thing I know is that if I ever am, I'll stay somewhat detached. It seems like a common pattern that people become so connected and co-dependent that the monotony of married life snuffs out any/all of the spark. If detaching is what is required to keep those strong boundaries then it is your way of continuing to fight.
M:37 W:34 M:4 years T:6 years No Kids A disclosed - 9/1/2010 W asks for separation - 10/19/2010 Moving on - 10/24/2010 A ends (and I believe her) - 12/2010 Content - 3/1/2011 Served - 3/18/2011 D Day - 6/20/2011
I am starting to grow tired of being the only one who is demonstrating committment.
And what does she need to do to "demonstrate" her committment?
Listen Pen, you push her way too much. For example, you constantly tell her you love....to get a response back. She knows what you are doing and it's a big turn-off. You are checking her temp, and that needs to stop. You went to her Christmas party pre-determining that it would be a test. Sure enough....you weren't happy b/c she did not openly show affection. Why would she do that at a party? If she had done it there and not at home, then you would have thought she was being fake and putting on a show. You reacted like a little boy.
You expect her to go back into "before the A" mode, and she's trying.....but you are putting pressure on her and that pressure will be what breaks hopes of piecing. Please top doing that. It causes the H to be unattractive.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Well have not updated since the 12th. Had Marriage Counseling together on the 17th. It was semi productive. We agreed that what I was doing was what she needed (not transferring need and pressure) and I was basically continuing to GAL. We had a great weekend and I returned to Mississippi. Came home this week and wife was sick for the next MC session so I went alone. Wife wanted to knwo what we discussed etc.. said she would also go alone to discuss things with the MC. Enjoyed a quite Christmas. Today Wife sends me a txt saying we "made huge strides" this week and thanking me for a wonderful Christmas. She also ML to me last night waking me at 3 am... So I am continuing with what works.
I am reading on my own (5 LL now) I am goign to counseling I am not asking her for comittment I am helping around the house I am being kind and cheerful I am demonstrating my patience I am becoming less stressed I am seeing myself from when we first got married.
I am hopeful
M:42 W:39 S:9 M:20 T:25 D-bomb: 30 Sep 10 Wife changed her mind: 31 Oct 10 Working on it: 31 Oct 10
Yes Sandi, I agree and I stopped the pressure and stopped the ILY's.. and just did my thing.. Let her contact me or not.. and I dont get angry when she doesnt.. her decision.
my update last was the 12th and much has changed. I am not resentful when she doesnt return the affection.. I continue to be me..
M:42 W:39 S:9 M:20 T:25 D-bomb: 30 Sep 10 Wife changed her mind: 31 Oct 10 Working on it: 31 Oct 10
I am not resentful when she doesnt return the affection.. I continue to be me..
I don't know what that is....."I continue to be me". Does that mean you continue to give her affection but you aren't resentful whenshedoesn't return it?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
