She considers herself already divorced. And since she moved out two years ago, in some sense she's right - all that's left now is paperwork.
I know it's frustrating, and infuriating, but the reality is, you're not going to have much control over these sorts of things - that's one of the bad sides of divorce.
I recommend you avoid interrogating your child too much - they will sense they are being put in the middle, and that can be very damaging.
STOP PUTTING YOUR KIDS IN THE MIDDLE My second is STOP GRILLING YOUR D – no matter how subtle you feel you are doing this, you still are PRYING for information and you are USING your D. YOUR anger and HURT is causing you to do this. I get it man I really do. It still is NOT right.
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Dude had his own family, and has two kids of his own.
SO WHAT. What does this have to do with you and your D? Nada…
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To me, it is irrational (and damaging to our daughter] to expose her to the ex-boyfriend in this manner.
AND it is not damaging to your daughter to grill her? Have you considered how your D may have felt? Buddy, I am warning you NOW. Keep your kids out of it.
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What kind of reasonable [still married] woman would think, “Okay daughter, while we’re in China for the next couple of weeks, you and I (and no one else) are going to spend the night at “ShuShu’s house.” How could she think that's a reasonable thing to do?
Would you agree that a marriage is composed of 1) an emotional M and 2) a legal M? If you do, then you need to accept that YOUR W is emotionally divorced from you and as such is doing what any batchit crazy MLC person would do.
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What kind of behavior is my wife modeling by doing this to our daughter?
Do you let your D watch cartoons? Do you allow her to watch movies? Do you really think that YOU can CONTROL everything that your D sees and models? Answer – NO. What you can control is YOU and YOUR ACTIONS. Be a good Dad to her. That you can control. NOT your W.
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How is a 4-year old girl supposed to process this information/experience?
Focus on YOU instead of YOUR W. How is your D supposed to process being grilled? Hmmmmm
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How is she supposed to know the difference between right and wrong
She will KNOW the difference because of YOUR ACTIONS!
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when her mom takes her to spend the night at some guy’s house who my daughter has never met before…all the way on the other side of the world in China, who she has simply been told is her “ShuShu.
You know what this is ^^^^ right up there ^^^^^? ANGER and PAIN from YOU. Totally normal dude, totally. How YOU Deal with it is what really matters.
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What does a little girl do with that kind of experience when it happens to her when she is only 4-years old???
She will deal with it the best way she can. Part of those skills are what SHE LEARNS FROM YOU.
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If my wife was that determined to spend the night with the guy she should have left my daughter at home with her grandparents (my wife’s parents). It's as simple as that.
Yeah I get that….BUT what if she does end up divorcing you – do you think that you will be able to control your W for the rest of her life? [censored] – I know – Now though is a time for YOU to SHINE. NOW is the time for YOU to SHOW YOUR D the values that your batchit W cannot.
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It's altogether immoral and irrational (any way you slice it) to take her half way across the world to spend the night at some strange guy's house...who just happened to be my wife's affair partner...who also just happens to have two kids of his own...instead of simply leaving her at home with her own grandparents.
So…..if you know that YOU cannot control it what options do you have? Why not, turn the focus away from YOUR W and towards YOU. Why not focus on YOUR actions and NOT hers? Mental, the whole MLC thing [censored] big time. It really does….it also though can be a LIFE TRANSFORMING EVENT IF YOU ALLOW IT TO BE. God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
AND it is not damaging to your daughter to grill her? Have you considered how your D may have felt? Buddy, I am warning you NOW. Keep your kids out of it.
I disagree with those statements 1000%. When my daughter volunteers this information, and displays excessive anxiety only since she returned from China, and crying and screaming "Daddy, daddy don't leave me alone!!!" when her mom is coming to pick her up after work...you better be damn straight I'm going to confirm what her poor little 4-year old brain is trying to communicate to me. I didn't go snooping for information. She came to me...
If you saw you're loved one being driven towards the edge of a cliff, would you stand by and let her go over the edge?
About all the rest of your statements, I sincerely appreciate your feedback. Here's the thing though. I don't give a damn what my wife does these days. On the other hand, I absolutely care what she does...to our kids. That's the distinction.
Actually there is no distinction. Unfortunately you don't have any control over this. She has the right to see anyone she wants to and even though it's not cool, she can introduce your kids to the new people.
If you are that concerned, I would suggest the two of you go into C to discuss how to bring up the subject to your kids.
She's Chinese, so she'll probably be very stubborn about going. But hey you're not in China.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
When my daughter volunteers this information, and displays excessive anxiety only since she returned from China, and crying and screaming "Daddy, daddy don't leave me alone!!!" when her mom is coming to pick her up after work
Ok......but why do you ASSume this has something to do with her spending a single night with your wife at OM's house, rather than with her traveling halfway around the world to a foreign country and being separated from you for a long trip?
Actually there is no distinction. Unfortunately you don't have any control over this.
I don't have any control over my wife, and my daughter has absolutely zero control over how someone else's choices impact her life. I do have some control over mitigating that situation, and trying to protect her. I mail but I have to try...
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Ok......but why do you ASSume this has something to do with her spending a single night with your wife at OM's house, rather than with her traveling halfway around the world to a foreign country and being separated from you for a long trip?
I didn't assume that and I'm pretty certain I never said that. Although I might have inferred as such I'm simply not taking any chances.
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I know you don't like that your D expresses these things to you and how how you feel about it.
Or
Who you choose to blame for it.
the fact remains
Your W is her mother and always will be. She might not always act as you would like or
act like a wife.
That's a huge thing I struggled with probably for a long time after this whole mess began. You're right. I shouldn't place my expectations about parenthood, or views on 'morality', on my wife. I just personally feel that, in regards to the kids safety and security, there comes a point where a parent should intervene. I don't believe any sensible parent would simply ignore the 'cries for help' from a young child, simply hug and comfort them and say "don't worry, it will all be okay", and then continue to sit and watch and let [bad] things happen that obviously have a negative emotional/psychological impact on their own child.
From what I recall and read of your posts, you've always come across as a very insightful person TrueGrit. I wonder if you'd be willing to share your thoughts on this:
I find it paradoxical that the people who post on this board, who obviously are struggling with a major life-changing event, predominantly seem to take a very passive stance towards my question [about my daughter] - i.e. "don't put her in the middle", "you have no control over the situation", etc...
On the other hand, every 'intact'family I've spoken with (and I've asked a lot of families the same question I've posted here) advocate things like telling my lawyer, confronting my wife, etc...
She will KNOW the difference because of YOUR ACTIONS!
I love your honesty Eric, but that's a bullshit statement. She is going to struggle with understanding the difference [unfortunately for many, many years] because she see's two different people [her parents, the center of her universe] modeling two opposing types of behavior.
"I find it paradoxical that the people who post on this board, who obviously are struggling with a major life-changing event, predominantly seem to take a very passive stance towards my question [about my daughter] - i.e. "don't put her in the middle", "you have no control over the situation", etc...
On the other hand, every 'intact'family I've spoken with (and I've asked a lot of families the same question I've posted here) advocate things like telling my lawyer, confronting my wife, etc...
Why is that???"
Because it's easy to give advice to someone when they've never experienced this for themselves. Everyone here has experienced the pain of seeing their children go through this and have had to make the hard decisions.
Besides, there's no paradox to it. The fact is that your W (and you for that matter) can do whatever you want and actually introduce your D to whomever you go out with. However, if you want to lay down some ground rules, then you should either both talk about it in a calm manner and hammer them out or go to a family C and see what they say.
PLUS the guy isn't even in the states. So it's not like your D will be seeing him all the time. But what about the guy who lives here? If you want to lay some conditions down, then discuss them with your wife. Not in a confrontational way, because nothing good will come out of it and your daughter will suffer in the end.
The question is, have you dealt with your resentment enough that you can do this? That's a question only you can answer.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
