Again the consequence component was omitted from Bridge's post.. just tells you to set a boundary, doesnt' tell you what to do when its transgressed...
ummm.. I will point out this... and you can take it as you want.. since you are out of patience.
Originally Posted By: bridgestone
because you won't let others walk all over you without you standing up for yourself (how ever you choose to express that)
I can provide plenty of examples of setting boundaries AND the actions I took ( consequences if you like.. I call them behaviours that kept ME healthy- mentally, emotionally and physcially) with my XH, my children, with my mother, with my friends, with my dates...
I can provide examples of "little" boundaries and "big" ones. AS WELL as the 'consequences' I put in place. where would you like me to start?
My point was that these are MY boundaries and MY actions *I* take to keep myself healthy.. some people may think they are not strict enough or too strict, point is I don't care, they work for me.
However, you or starsky or jack 3 beans choose to express & implement your boundary & consequences are up to you.. how ever you choose to express that my apologies if that was not clear. I DO think a crossed boundary needs an action.. however I also think it is personal.
For some people a boundary may be no affairs or I will file for Divorce. For others a boundary may be no multiple affairs or I file for divorce. For others a boundary may be no multiple affairs in our house or I file for divorce.
That is why I said FISRT you need to know your own values and limits are before you can set it. I left out that it should be shared with the person you are interacting with share it (are they to mind read what your boundary & subsequent action will be?). And THEN act on it as a way to keep yourself healthy, not as a 'punishment' for the other person...
but to keep yourself healthy.. to love yourself enough to say.. I'm not going let myself be treated this way.
The other person may not view your 'consequence' as a punishment.. they may not care at all that you implemented that behaviour to keep yourself healthy.. the point is you do what you need to do FOR YOU.
If it affects them in a way that motivates them to change their behaviour, then you may have a place to start a conversation about their future behaviour and how they act with you in the relationship.
If it is severe enough boundary crossing in your eyes.. you may not give them another chance to have a future with you. However you choose to express standing up for yourself IS UP TO YOU!
Originally Posted By: frank V
These aren't boundaries, they are hollow threats... since no one is advocating backing them up...
I agree they can be hollow threats. I gave plenty of hollow threats as a wife (If you're not home by 6:30, you can get your own supper), as a mom (if you 2 don't stop that fighting I'm going to pull this car over and boy will you both be sorry!), as a daughter (if you don't let me go to the prom I'm going to hate you for the rest of my life!) as a friend (if you are going to invite HER to the party, I WON"T be coming)
I think talking the talk about backing your boundaries up and actually walking the walk takes practice, maturity, a healthy perspective and loving oneself enough to pull the trigger.
I think it depends on how many times you believe people should be given a chance to make a mistake in a relationship with you.. (no one is perfect) and their sincerity in making amends and efforts to not repeat said offense.
But again I will say .. this is just my 2 cents worth based on my experience in learning how & why to set boundaries.
Divorced 03/2010 Mom to two amazing kids
Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.
Thanks for sharing your experience, Bridgestone. I think part of what you're pointing out is critical: before you can set (and enforce) boundaries for others, you need to be able to set boundaries in your own mind (ie, I will not allow myself to, for example, be hit again).
I don't think that trying to get your spouse not to leave your marriage is a boundary. You can't enforce that. But if your spouse is having an affair, walking away from her is pretty much all that you can do to enforce the fact that you will not participate in the marriage if she is breaking her vows, right? If she screams at you, you don't participate in the conversation. If she misuses marital assets, you deprive her of that opportunity. You can't flog them if they don't do what you want, but you do get to take your ball and leave.
No one said it was a boundary... Did they?
And there are many things you can do to persuade your spouse that violating your boundaries won't be good for them to do...
I think saying outright there's nothing you can do defeats the purpose of this forum and this discussion...
We are here to help and generate some constructive ideas... Not to dismiss the existence of any with a single wave of the hand...
I don't buy it, there's a lot of cryptic talk about what is the better way to do this... but I don't think anyone's convinced as of yet…
It seems that nobody (except yours truly) believes it is possible that there is another way that can be effective. It does require a change in perspective, which I recognize may be a difficult thing to do.
Originally Posted By: TimeHeals
I'd offer to help out here, but Arnie and I broke up.
Actually, TH was more of a WAP (Walk Away Poster), which I suppose would make me the LBP…
Originally Posted By: Coach
…validate his feelings to get him conscious again. I am told it works like smelling salts.
So Arnie you and Time going to reconcile? Would you be interested in dating another poster?
Hmmm ... <getting out thumb-eared copy of DR> lessee, step 1 "Stop the Chase" (check) Step 2: GAL. Would that include dating another poster? The consensus on "2 D or Not 2 D" thread seems mixed.
Bridgestone, I liked what you wrote, particularly,
Originally Posted By: Bridgestone
I think talking the talk about backing your boundaries up and actually walking the walk takes practice, maturity, a healthy perspective and loving oneself enough to pull the trigger.
There seems to be a lot of reactivity to suggest that there is only one way to approach boundaries. Part of the problem is the language itself. Another part is what you allude to, confusion about internal boundaries and the fact that there are two people involved of equal status - after all this site is about marriage, not children, employees, gypsies, or the like.
The starting point was setting a boundary when someone (presumably one’s spouse) calls a person an “idiot.” An alternative to the orthodox approach was suggested: first listen and validate, and then set the limit. The reactions ranged from whether the same approach would work for a spouse having an affair to being abused by one’s spouse. While a one-size-fits-all approach may work for some, it doesn’t for me. I do believe there is a considerable difference between being called a name and being mugged.
I am surprised that hasn’t been any openness to even the thought that there might be something different than the consequence approach.
