My H is buying a house. He is still my husband. We are still married - 24 years (together 30), despite MLC (??), despite the fact that he moved out over 2 years ago, and despite the fact that he is convinced that we must divorce. I have an attorney on retainer to represent me when he decides to do the work and get his divorce, but I will not do the work for him. I know this is what he wants - and will eventually get, but I remain resolved to let him do this on his own.
He sent me a text at the end of August that simply said "he made an offer on a house." Two weeks ago he e-mailed and said that it looked like the house deal was going to go through, and he was going to be asking me to sign a form to acknowledge his purchase and to recognize that this was his debt not OURS.
Yesterday afternoon he e-mailed the form, and said that he was closing Thursday and needed to have it signed by then. I forwarded the form to my L yesterday to review and let me know if I should sign.
At 12:30 a.m. today he sent another e-mail saying he just realized that he is closing tomorrow. I sent a simple e-mail today telling him that I forwarded the e-mail to my L. If he needs it to close that he needs to contact her to let her know that he now needs it tomorrow. He answered that he does need it to close, but if I already asked to have it by Thursday that he would just hope that she would review it early and it would be available tomorrow (???).
I guess at this point, nearly 3 years into all of this, I am numb. I am hurt. I am angry. I asked for the address of the property and he gave it to me. I looked it up. It is an amazing house. It's a half a million dollar property that he is getting for a little over a quarter. In our rural midwestern area - that is a lot of money. It is a VERY nice house.
It hurts. To know that he is buying a house - he has complained about his rental for quite some time, because it was "embarrassing." BUT it was his choice to move and his choice to move in to that house - and he has acknowleged that as well. The house that he is buying will not be an embarrassment. I know that the kids will LOVE it. They have lived in separate homes long enough that the ramifications of their father buying his own house will most likely not phase them - that they will be very excited about the cool new house. They will be happy to move out of the rental. I wish I could share in their excitement. However, he hasn't really talked to them about the move. They came to his house one day to find a for rent sign in the yard. He told them he was looking at a house and yesterday my S11 came home and said one of his classmates saw that he was moving out of his house.
I am hurt. I am angry. We have equal amounts in savings in our names and he assures me that he will be using his portion of the savings to fund his new house. I will leave it to my L to decide what if anything this will mean financially for me, or what assurances I need that this is HIS debt.
I am hurt and angry because of the stark reality that is setting in, and because I can't get past the pain and just live with the reality. I don't know if I will be able to afford my house when it is all said and done. I do not have the future income that he has.
I am hurt. I am angry. Everything seems to be falling in to place for him, and I just feel alone and abandoned. I will never understand.
I want the pain to stop. I want to be rid of the anger.
I have lived my life as if he was never returning for quite some time. But reality sucks. I'm handling everything as it comes my way the best I can. I don't have another choice, but today the reality is a little more than I can take and I just don't know how I'm supposed to cope with this.
"Do not look back in anger or forward in fear, but around in awareness." - James Thurber
Im sorry you are feeling this anger. Handling things the best you can as they come your way IS how you are coping with this.
Thinking of you
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
Thanks. Actually the sadness and hurt are overwhelming the anger at the moment and my attempts to hold it together at work are failing.
I ran home for lunch to let the dog out and grabbed a jacket because it is cooling off here. When I returned my co-worker said "nice jacket." It happens to be a jacket my H bought me a few years ago for Christmas. Earlier today when she saw me in tears I complained that I wished I could stop letting all of this bother me. Her response was that I couldn't because I was still in the "middle of it all." I know she was referring to the fact that I am still married, and don't have "closure." She has referred to this before. Somehow I don't know that I will ever not be "in the middle" of all of this.
Honestly, how do you forget 30 years? I hope I'm wrong, but I don't see that divorce will give me closure. I can survive on my own. I can handle everything that is thrown my way on a daily basis - I know that because I do. I don't need to be married. I don't need my H. I want what I had that I can't have anymore. In some ways I've made a lot of progress, but in others I'm back to bomb day.
"Do not look back in anger or forward in fear, but around in awareness." - James Thurber
I have been re-reading this trying to figure out what to say to you.
You will continue to stand, until the pain of standing is more than the pain of leaving.
I know this is hard and I wish he would snap out of it. I know you wish the same thing but that is not the way this works. But I have to think that there is more going on behind the scenes that you can not see.
Continue on your path, the story has not yet ended!
Ok - I'll bite........what do you think might be going on behind the scenes? It's a 3 bedroom house....so IF (and I'm leaning towards NOT)he's stil involved with OW, I don't think he's planning on moving her and her kids in too.....and finding it hard to believe she would still be living in this limbo.
I know the story hasn't ended yet, and I think I know how this works.
Thanks, Di an a mo
"Do not look back in anger or forward in fear, but around in awareness." - James Thurber
I know there is more than I know. More than I will ever know. Not looking for x-ray glasses, just asked because you made the suggestion.
I don't expect to know/learn anything after he makes the move. I do know that he's not packed anything, but expects to be out of is current rental and moved in to the new house Thursday, assuming he can close tomorrow.
I haven't heard from my L on whether I should sign the document he needs to close. Part of me was surprised that he admitted to being married when he made the offer on the house and applied for the loan-----not that I think it means anything, and I guess I shouldn't be surprised that he wouldn't commit fraud (since he is a lawyer). However, in a 100 million years I could never expect this man to break our marriage vows.....so a little white lie (or rounding up as he calls it)about his current marrital state wouldn't surprise me.
He has recently seemed more at ease/at peace when dealing with me - with the exception of an incident last week relating to him asking oldest daughter to help him make plans with youngest daughter (won't bother with details). So...I have thought maybe he's making progress, it just really stings to know that he's moving on....buying a house, to make HIS home. AND to add insult to injury the description of the property on-line sounds like a dream - something that I would love to have for our family.
BUT that is not my reality. I have a very nice home, for the present. I hope to be able to keep it until my youngest graduates - that's 6 more years - at least that was my hope when thinking it was important to keep the family home for my kids while they were living there. Now, they will have another house that they can call home.
"Do not look back in anger or forward in fear, but around in awareness." - James Thurber
NO, NO, NO, NO. Do not sign anything until your lawyer sees and approves. My H tried that,"OH but the closing tomorrow" on me crap 3 seperate times, trying to get me to sign a legal waiver so I would have no claim on the new home.
You say your H is a lawyer? What kind of idiot buys a home while still married to another person? Don't buy it for a minute. He's being nice, is he? Mine was until he saw I wasn't going to sign any legal documents without my L's opinion.
I will not sign until I get approval. I've made that clear and suggested that he contact my L. If he doesn't, and he is in breach of his contract, that's the way it is.
I've read the document. He told me it was a document that was to allow him to purchase the home while still married but assure that the debt would not be mine. From the way I read it it gives him permission to buy the home with marrital assets and states that the property would thus be marrital property, but I don't see anything about the debt not being mine.......so I will definitely get the opinion....Nothing he has done has been smart in any legal sense.
H came to pick up S11 tonight. Both girls had play practice. S likes to stay until he gets his homework done, but H came unannounced (5 minutes before our unwritten 6:00 time), and S wasn't done. He usually texts before he comes - when he comes. He has almost exclusively relied on D17 to shuttle them all back and forth. When S was visibly upset, holding back tears H suggested that S stay with me awhile longer. I didn't expect S's reaction. It is clear that although he acts as if living like this is "normal," it is affecting him. He's had an assortment of odd illnesses lately, and I'm beginning to wonder if it's stress and his coping method for being upset. Anyway, at 7:30 S said he was ready to go. I texted H. He suggested S stay with me since he was probably about ready for bed, but S said he would go-----I could tell he was torn, wanting to stay and just go to bed, but knew his dad would be disappointed. H came at 8, and seemed put out by it all - especially knowing that S was very tired and would be going to bed soon anyway.
In the beginning of all of this if one of the kids acted hesitant about leaving I would insist that they go, but I'm not going to do that anymore. However, with the new house that probably won't happen anymore.
Anyway, after a rough day, I'm doing better tonight. S helped put some things in to perspective for me. His reaction tonight reminded me once again who the real losers are in all of this. It reminded me that I need to be strong for them. I need to pull my head out of my a$$, get over the loss of my dead M and remember that I still have what is most important - 3 beautiful, perfect children.
"Do not look back in anger or forward in fear, but around in awareness." - James Thurber
I hope I didn't sound too pushy last night, but you were describing the same scenario my H tried to push past me. I worked in Real Estate for 5 years. Nobody closed that fast. And my H kept saying Oh, well we could move it a week, or 2 days, etc. He finally got the message I wasn't going to sign. I reminded him that his first obligation was to this house and family. There was plenty of real estate on the market for later.
It was just what the OW wanted. Now I never hear a word about it.
