My 40 year old wife's MLC

[ericmsant2]

Troy

Just checking in...how are you?

[Troy999]

Eric,
Hanging in there. Its been a quiet week. I have kept my mouth shut and stayed focused on the kids. Wife has been doing her best to push me away which is par for the course. I have kept my cool but I am running out of steam-heading to the beach next weekend so that will help a bunch. To answer you earlier question-I wish I was the man I was about 10 years ago and I am working toward that end. I was a dreamer, I always thought about the future, bigger and better jobs, having a family and doing things with them. over the past 2 years I lost my way. I realize it , my wife certainly realizes it. I am working my way back to becoming that person again. With her or without her.

[ericmsant2]

Troy

Wife has been doing her best to push me away which is par for the course.

As long as you know it is coming...you know how you need to deal with it.

How are things on the home front?

Eric

[ericmsant2]

Troy

Just checking in buddy - how are you?

Eric

[Troy999]

Eric,
just laying low. We have not had a discussion since the last one I shared with the board. All of our close group of friends know about our situation now and I have to say they have been very supportive. Sat night one of our friends turned 40 and she called to invite me to her birthday dinner. My wife already knew about it and did not tell me. I told her I would love to come. My wife came in the bathroom while I was getting ready to go and she said "your not going to go to my friends birthday dinner are you? (she wanted to go solo) and I said She is my friend too and she invited me so yes I am going. Wife stormed out and went upstairs and did not surface until Sunday night around dinner time. I went and had a wonderful time with 3 other couples and me. Our friends realize what a bitch my wife has become and they are supporting me. I realize she is living in fantasy land and nothing I do will change her mind. I am just living my life and taking care of my kids which she has stopped doing. I am doing all of the cooking, she just lays on her ass and reads books. As we reach the 4 month mark I am starting to really not give a crap what she says, does ect. I have a feeling she is saving $ to hire an attorney but cannot confirm that. I just take it day by day.

[Truegritter]

and I said She is my friend too and she invited me so yes I am going. Wife stormed out and went upstairs

Was it then that you knew she was upset or...

and did not surface until Sunday night around dinner time.

Then?

Troy what did you want to accomplish?

What was your goal?

nothing I do will change her mind

How about something you don't do?

I am doing all of the cooking, she just lays on her ass and reads books.

Martyr.

How is all that working for you Troy?

Do you want to be married to this woman?

What do you think you just communicated with your actions?

Do you think she feels happy right now?

Listen I am not trying bust your chops.

This is the part where you have to rise above what's being thrown your way.

Do you believe your W is having a crisis?

Would you want to drive a dump truck through a nitroglycerin plant?

I understand you are angry, frustrated, disapointed .....etc.

You have to detach from all that crap she is causing inside you or you won't make it.

You'll feel like a martyr.

A doormat.

Then you'll become a doormat with feet and walk yourself in front of another door.

Get me?

Take control of this emotion inside you, it will not serve your journey my friend.

The sooner you stop looking at her then you can work on YOU.

[crushednstuck]

Troy,
I'm still battling the same anger 14 months later. Before my W moved out, I put the kids to bed, cooked, cleaned inside and did all the work outside while she reclined in our marital bed Facebook-ing and texting the OM.
All my friends know that I was always the one playing outside with the kids, grilling for parties, setting up for holidays, while she did jack-sh*t. I did it all and she re-wrote our history as though I was Satan.
Once I realized everyone was on my side, I realized my W was no closer to coming back.
Going to that party made you feel vindicated. It feels good because you are right. But did it get you any closer to your goal of repairing your M? Be sure that's what you want, then stop creating obstacles to her coming back.

[ericmsant2]

Troy,

You have received some very good advice from Grit, whom I have the utmost respect for. My advice will be a little different, cause I am different. You see buddy, I want to see you become something bigger than YOUR M. I want to see you become what every women on the face of the earth (including you wife) wants – a man, a husband, a partner that will truly love them, validate them, and live his life in a manner than many cannot and will not be able to comprehend. A man fully aware, accepting, and loving who he is. Then Troy, if it is God’s will YOUR W may come back to you AND if she does not, YOU will be BETTER!

So sit back buddy, let me show you something…..

My wife came in the bathroom while I was getting ready to go and she said "your not going to go to my friends birthday dinner are you? (she wanted to go solo) and I said She is my friend too and she invited me so yes I am going. Wife stormed out and went upstairs and did not surface until Sunday night around dinner time.

Nothing like a little pay back! Yeah, you show her Troy! F*ck that – she can’t do this chit to YOU no more. Sorry dude, but honestly I want to start by saying that YOU my friend are f*cking this up. Yep you are. AND please don’t tell me ….”No Eric, they are my friends to” – please buddy. I have been there and done that. I have allowed that anger to surface just the way you did…nice and subtly – yep you figured she wouldn’t pick up on it now did you? I bet you thought none of us would have. WRONG. We did and she did.

ACTIONS speak louder than words. So what do you think your ACTIONS said to her?

Here let me help you….

This is you speaking to her in the Eric translation…..

“Honey (with a nice F you smirk)…I am going to the party and really I don’t give a rats as* about how YOU feel about it! I mean this is about ME and ME being a victim and ALL. You know I have rights TOO. BTW, Honey take a look at what I just posted on this web site I go too to try and save my marriage. Take a look at how many times I used “I” in my last post. Hmmm…maybe I am a little selfish and playing the victim right now. BUT (drum roll here is the excuse) because YOU are NOT doing what I want right now – I’m gonna do something to piss you off. Oh…but I love you honey. I really do. I sooo want my M to work that really I will do just about anything, including pissing you off a bit BUT I’m hurt. I am so pissed right now so I am going to hurl a little back to you. Is that okay?”

Had you said that I am almost sure her response would have been (of course in Eric translation)…

“Well Troy, thanks for being such a wonderful Husband. Hey BTW, I went to the web site you just showed me and I wanted to show you YOUR words”. I hope you don’t mind Honey. I hope this does not hurt you BUT (drum roll Her excuse now)…I am in a crisis right now and all I can remember is every f*cked up thing YOU did. You know honey, the chit you did in the M that I stood and TOOK. Anyhooo…let me show you your words…”

I am looking at paying her $800 a month in child support. She thinks she will get much more. Her getting custody is my worst case scenario.

Here Troy is what you showed ME was important to YOU. MONEY. Honey I know I can be a spender and right now I am acting like a spoiled teenager BUT what happened to for better or for worse? Right now I cannot honor those words BUT I always wanted a man that could.

Said she had given up on our marriage 2 years ago when she asked me to get help for what she thought was depression and I blew her off.

Here Troy is where I tried to point out that you should get help. I warned YOU about how I was feeling and YOU blew me off. For 2 YEARS!

My company has been a constant struggle and I internalized all my struggles and shut her out.

AND Here Troy is when you started your own company. You know when I went out and got a part time job to help make ends meet. When you started the company YOU shut me out and I was really hurt Troy (this is still your wife responding to you Troy). So why are you going to hurt me NOW Troy. Now that I need you to love me even if I don’t deserve it. Why?

Missed a month of paying the mortgage and american express cut me off until I paid them off. She had an amex card too that I always paid each month without question to what she spent and they cut that one off as well. I went further in the shell

And then we had some serious financial difficulties – they even cut off my card Troy. Do you remember that honey? I am sorry I have this whole MLC thing going on in my head. I am sorry that I felt trapped and SHUT OUT.

I stayed up for two days straight and wrote her long letters about how our lives had changed and how I wanted to make changes to keep our marriage.

Remember those letters you wrote me that said you were going to change? That was only 4 months ago. 4 months honey. I thought you said you loved me and would do anything for me.

Honey, I can go on and on but I don’t want to. I still hurt. I am still fu*ked up in the head and right now honey – I don’t want YOU. Can you still love me? BUT Troy I understand I hurt you too.

Back to Eric,

Troy, I am not trying to make you feel bad and IF I did. I am truly sorry. What I wanted to show you is that YOUR changes need to become a part of WHO you are. Trust me when I tell you that 4 months is not going to change things. As a matter of fact, you can DB for 10 years and it may not change HER – IT WILL THOUGH CHANGE YOU IF YOU ALLOW IT TOO.

All of our close group of friends know about our situation now and I have to say they have been very supportive.

DB 101 – keep friends and family out of it if you can. Our mutual friends said the same thing to me – initially, while at the same time saying the same thing to my W. Friends do not want to become YOUR enemy or her. At some point, when those friends come to you and say that you are holding on too long and that you just need to let her go. What are you going to do? Think you are strong enough to stand by your convictions. Think you can be that man (not doormat) that will say, I love her and will LET HER GO and become the best I can be AND maybe….just maybe she will come out of this?

Our friends realize what a bitch my wife has become and they are supporting me.

Keep trying to get all of your friends on your side. Build that support army of people that will NOT challenge you and will say and do anything to stop you from feeling the pain. Guess what – NONE of these friends will be able to talk your W into changing her mind (I figured I throw this out there since I know I tried that). No Troy, ONLY the following will change your wife’s mind:

1) Your ACTIONS that will show that you have changed
2) Her ability to look inside herself and realize that YOU are not the cause of HER pain
3) God’s will and an OPEN heart

Friends will not help. Family is not gonna help. As the DB pricipals will show you, the less they know the better. How do you think your wife is gonna feel IF every time she thinks about coming back she is reminded that these friends “agreed with you and think she is a b*tch”?

I realize she is living in fantasy land and nothing I do will change her mind.

Well it’s good that you realize this. I have one thing to add. YOU CAN DO A TON OF CHIT TO MAKE SURE THAT SHE NEVER CHANGES HER MIND. Like…

Piss her off to no end
Not validate how she feels
Play these little games to get a reaction out of her
Make her feel guilty
Beg, plead
Become a doormat
Become a victim and whiny b*tch cause you are taking care of the kids, etc.

I am just living my life and taking care of my kids which she has stopped doing. I am doing all of the cooking,

Sorry dude – ya get no sympathy from me. I would really like to say to you….MAN THE F*CK UP..wait I think I just did. No seriously, man up. They are your kids. Does it suck – yes. BUT DB 101 (lesson # - damn I can remember now) Change how YOU look at things. How about you change the way you look at it and think of it as your spending more time with your kids and they are getting to really know daddy. Think of it as….what if she does D your butt and get full custody and become a really bi*ch...I bet you’d want to spend every waking moment with them.

she just lays on her ass and reads books.

I think this is much better than knowing that your W is off polishing someone knob. Just sayin…
She reading a book for Christ sake dude. Give her space. DB lesson # …oh f*ck the number…Don’t push, give her space, work on YOU.

As we reach the 4 month mark

I’m shocked more folks here did not jump on this. 4 months….please…dude.. 4 months…f*ck I could do that standing on my head. Hey BTW, what if I told you that in 12 more months she would come back to you. Would you be acting any differently?

I am starting to really not give a crap what she says, does ect.

Actually…your NOT. Sorry. At 4 months….your still internalizing the anger and ONE DAY if will burst (kinda of like your last post). It will burst because you still are playing the victim.

This is the part where you have to rise above what's being thrown your way.

Do you believe your W is having a crisis?

Would you want to drive a dump truck through a nitroglycerin plant?

I understand you are angry, frustrated, disapointed .....etc.

You have to detach from all that crap she is causing inside you or you won't make it.

You'll feel like a martyr.

A doormat.

Then you'll become a doormat with feet and walk yourself in front of another door.

Take a look at Grit’s post to YOU. As I said, you think you do not care about what she is doing but really you are still so pissed off. AND I understand. I have been there and honestly dude, sometime I still get really pissed when I think about it. When I do, I feel the anger and then do everything in my power to let it go or release it. When I do let it go – I have learned NEVER to hurl it at her. Subtly or in some case not so subtly.

Psst….hint to release anger…..

Go for a walk, clear your head. Come here and post it. Read other people stories. Realize that you are not alone. Learn from others.

I have a feeling she is saving $ to hire an attorney but cannot confirm that.

Keep doing what your doing and she just may.

Troy, once again, I am sorry if You feel bad after this email. Don’t. We have all made the same type of mistakes. So learn from it and do not do it again.

Once = mistakes…fu*k it, I’ll say 2 to 3 times = mistake.

After 3 it is no longer a mistake but a BEHAVIOR!

Mistakes, once identified and worked on CAN BE FIXED i.e. work on YOU.

Behaviors can as well – except they take longer.

YOUR W, believe it or NOT is watching YOUR behavior.

Will it make her change her mind? I have no fuc*ing idea BUT

Do YOU WANT THAT CHANCE?

DO YOU WANT TO HOLD HER IN YOUR ARMS and TELL HER THAT YOU LOVE HER?

IF so,

THEN FORGIVE HER AND WORK ON YOU!

I KNOW YOU CAN DO IT!

God Bless,
Eric

[Troy999]

Thanks for the feedback from all of you. I really thought I was doing the right thing by going to the party. I would have felt like a doormat if I did not go? I struggle with the detaching part of this. How can I detach and still show her empathy and validate her feelings. The hard part is that we do not communicate at all. We say good morning, good bye and hello in the afternoon. If it does not involve the kids we do not talk. Let me get some advice before the next situation comes up. We are having Thanksgiving at her brothers house out of town this year. I know she does not want me to go. Her family wants me to go. Should I stay home by myself or slug through the day with her being pissed off at me for being there? I am thinking of telling her that I will sit this one out so she can have the day with her family and get away from the stress of our situation.

I do feel like a martyr but I feel less and less like that as time goes on. I really appreciate this feedback. I wish I had Eric on my shoulder telling me what to do since I obviously have not been doing this right. Maybe I will adopt the George Castanza approach-do everything the opposite of what your instincts tell you to do.

[ericmsant2]

Troy,

I really thought I was doing the right thing by going to the party.

Can you acknowledge that a part of you wanted to piss her off?

I would have felt like a doormat if I did not go?

Because YOU feel like a doorman you are a doormat. The reason you feel like a doormat is because you have yet to really and truly let her go and start your journey. When you do, you will look back at this and come to realize that you were using the gift that you have. At some point in the future you will come to see this but not just yet.

If you ever have a chance to read all of my threads you will see that a lot of what you are going thru I have gone thru. FTR, I made many of the same mistakes that you IMO are making. I am still living in the house after almost 15 months and have dealt with many of the same issues. For example:

- I struggle with the detaching part of this
- The hard part is that we do not communicate at all.
- We say good morning, good bye and hello in the afternoon
- If it does not involve the kids we do not talk.

You are correct that it is very hard to detach when children are involved and you are in the same house. Hard DOES NOT = impossible!

How can I detach and still show her empathy and validate her feelings.

Instead of answering, let me ask you a question. How would she need to show YOU empathy and validate YOUR feelings?

If you told her not to do something because YOU felt a certain way and she did it anyway – how would you feel? Take your anger out of your thought process (easier said than done) and then answer.

We are having Thanksgiving at her brothers house out of town this year. I know she does not want me to go. Her family wants me to go.

Her family will want you to go because THEY want to try and save the M. They also probably believe that you being their will make her all sentimental and have her running back to you. What they probably do not realize (or better yet do not want to accept) is that she has gone of the deep end. Because of the lack of acceptance aka validation of how she feels, they are asking you to come.

Should I stay home by myself or slug through the day with her being pissed off at me for being there?

So this is your question….you know what is funny, you answered it below.

I am thinking of telling her that I will sit this one out so she can have the day with her family and get away from the stress of our situation.

This is your answer. Now, how will you communicate this to her? Here would be a suggestion….

Dear W – the love of my life (just kidding do NOT add the love of my life part), your family has asked me to go for Thanksgiving, however, I wanted to make sure that YOU (note you put the emphasis on HER, which is what she wants right now) are comfortable that I go. I would like to spend the time with the kids; however, I understand that you may feel otherwise. IF you would prefer that I not go, then how about I take them on Christmas?

Troy I think the point you want to stress is that YOU are accepting of HOW she feels right now. You also are not a victim by asking to have them on another day. At the same token you are also demonstrating (at least IMO) compassion, understanding, strength and you are showing her what this may look like IF she decides to move forward with a D i.e. the splitting of the kids on a holiday.

I wish I had Eric on my shoulder telling me what to do since I obviously have not been doing this right.

You actually do not need me. What you need to do is really begin to analyze yourself and what parts of You that you want to kill – not to get your wife back but because it is not who YOU want to be.

do everything the opposite of what your instincts tell you to do.

Re-read the DB books – a lot of what you will do is counter intuitive.

God Bless,
Eric