Sometimes I start arguments...

[Jealousy]

He always says "I'm just being honest, would you rather me lie to your face?" Its like he hates me being jealous but enjoys fueling the fire.

On a brighter note I'm super proud of myself today. I have not contacted him at all!! Normally I would make up a reason to text him, like something funny one of the girls did. When I had that feeling today I picked up my cell phone and sent a text to a friend instead

When I checked my facebook tonight I had a msg from him saying he was out of time on his cell and he wanted to call to say goodnight to the kids. Then had the nerve to say "unless you want to put $29 in our joint account so I can get a phone card" WHAT?!?? Personally I've never heard of a $29 phone card.

I responded with "I'm sure someone would have been willing to allow you to use their phone to say good night to your children." He just responded with "Nevermind". I'm sure he's pissed but hey C'est La Vie. He made his bed.

Was I right to respond or should I just leave it with no response when hes making requests like that?

[NotFromThesePart]

Will I ever be ale to live up to her in his eyes?

J,

I think you've got this backwards. The real question is will he be able to live up to what you deserve.

One of the first things I read here is "Believe nothing of what he says and 50% of what he does". Well, if you are at all like me, you should apply that first part to you as well. You are hurt. That is totally understandable. You are probably depressed, shocked, sad and lonely. Again, totally normal emotions. Neither of you are thinking right, right now. I personally don't trust most of what I think. If I did I'd be even worse off. The difference between you and your H is that YOU are doing something about this. At a minimum you are here. That is good. Work towards internalizing the advice you receive. EVEN WHEN IT IS 100% COUNTER TO YOUR INTUITION AND EMOTIONS.
Now as for that advise. . . .
You do deserve better than this, but again you are hurt. That, IMHO is why the detachment process is so important. We're not saying to stop loving him, but we are saying build barriers, and put some distance between you two for now. Think of yourself as a doctor. Would you operate on your own child? Probably not. Does that mean you don't love him/her? Or course not. You are too close. Your M is the patient and you need to put enough distance between yourself and it to effectively operate on it.

Can you save you patient? That is unclear, but the more you do to communicate with your H now, the sicker your M will become.

[Jealousy]

Oops I did it again. Well kind of.

I thought we were back on track and I had been letting him stay here as he had no where to go.

We were having an amazing Halloween the other day, we both took the girls out along with a couple of their friends and my bff and her daughter. My bff's daughter and my DD7 wanted to continue trick or treating so we left them and took the little ones friends home before heading to a haunted house. On our way back to pick my bff, her DD and my DD7 up at my parents house we found ourselves driving behind OW and her DD. She pulls over and H gets out to talk to her for a min before we continue to our destination. Approx. one minute away from my parents house H comes out and says "I might just send her DD with you and I will go with her". Of course I'm confused, and then realize OW is behind us and coming to the haunted house with us!!! Needlesss to say I was pissed! H then comes out and says that I'm just not playing nice?!?! What?

My bff does not like this broad and as H walked in my parents house with a smug grin on his face bff told him he had some balls, well he flipped out! I kept my cool, didnt fight or argue, and instead waited until the morning to tell him that I didnt appreciate being put in that position. Hes pissed, doesnt understand why I dont like her and thinks I should be able to be an "Adult" and be civilized and hang around with her because she is able to put things aside and be an adult. But really she just likes to egg people on, she likes getting reactions and enjoys getting attention anyway she can. What is this man thinking?!?!

Now he actually wants me to write down a list of all the reasons I dont like her. I told him to write down the reasons he does like her. I started the list (up to 19 so far) but not sure if i'll give it to him as whenever I write things down he runs them right to her.

I picked up divorce papers today. I cant handle this BS anymore and I'm not sure at this point if I want to be with him as I dont see him ever growing up and becoming responsible. Sigh.

[bustorama]

WTF?!?!

1) Show him the door -- hard deadline to get out.

2) Do not communicate with him about OW or anything non-kid related.

3) Protect your finances / sever him from them.

4) Protect your kids from exposure to OW, as possible.

5) Lawyer up.

[Dudess]

Now he actually wants me to write down a list of all the reasons I dont like her. I told him to write down the reasons he does like her. I started the list (up to 19 so far) but not sure if i'll give it to him as whenever I write things down he runs them right to her.

Are you frickin kidding me? It's not about liking her or not liking her, it's that she is the OW in your marriage.

And you are actually making a list but you are scared to give it to him in case he runs to her? Good Lord - let him run.


What is this man thinking?!?!

Forget about him, what are YOU thinking to let this sorry excuse for a man back in your house?

I picked up divorce papers today. I cant handle this BS anymore and I'm not sure at this point if I want to be with him as I dont see him ever growing up and becoming responsible.

Good!!!

[bluestar]

Ok, first I will tell you that I have had similiar conversations with my H during his A and it was incredibily painful. Of course, he enjoys inflicting this pain on you. It feeds his ego. Two women are vying for his attention. You have to put a stop to it! NOW. Looking back, those conversations were a mistake and didnt' help me or him.

Second, I'm sitting here trying to wrap my brain around what I just read about your sitch. I read the entire thread. This man clearly doesn't understand what marriage means or what a wife is. He actually stopped the car with you in it and invited her to join you?? I mean he REALLY doean't get it.

The question is....do YOU? Do you see what is wrong with what we're all reading? If you haven't got the DB and DR books, please RUN to the store and get them. Read and re-read them. Also, get Relationship Rescue by Dr Phil. They will all help you get clear about what a healthy relationship is and what you need from a husband.

FYI- he is not just having an EA. He moved in with her. If you think he's not sleeping with her, I have a bridge to sell you. Same goes for OW1. Quit letting him lie to you and use you. You deserve so much more.

[soleil]

Of course I'm confused, and then realize OW is behind us and coming to the haunted house with us!!! Needlesss to say I was pissed! H then comes out and says that I'm just not playing nice?!?! What?

Hes pissed, doesnt understand why I dont like her and thinks I should be able to be an "Adult" and be civilized and hang around with her because she is able to put things aside and be an adult.

Now he actually wants me to write down a list of all the reasons I dont like her. I told him to write down the reasons he does like her. I started the list (up to 19 so far) but not sure if i'll give it to him as whenever I write things down he runs them right to her.

OH HELL NO!!!!!!

You do not write a list for him. You do not do anything for him. Serve him w/ D papers and be done. He has a lot of balls/ and audacity pulling the crap he has. It's disgusting.

From this moment forward, I would only talk to him about your children/co-parenting. DO NOT give him the time of day.

[Jealousy]

He has shown change in the past month which is confusing because he seems to be trying after he says he is done. I'm just not sure that he will ever give up that friendship. Occasionally he decides that he is done with her and stops hanging out with her, but then she manages to creep back in and it starts all over again. Its a vicious cycle that i'm just not sure how to stop. Maybe he goes to her when he thinks things arent going well here, I dont know. He seems confused about what he wants but wont really communicate, just says the conversations go around in circles and we get nowhere.

Although i did get the divorce papers, I dont really want it to be final (hence me being here). I think I picked them up more so for his reaction, to see if he was really done like he says and as I figured he seemed upset, said I was being rediculous and I should hold off on filing paper work. Its like he wants the marriage but wants his freedom too. I think its just time for me to stop conversing with him for a while to show him Im serious. Its going to be hard and hurt like hell and he is going to be madddd that Im not giving in, but its what I have to do. Maybe it will end in divorce, or maybe he will see that hes being completely selfish and man up to his responsiblites. I will not let him ack until she is completely out of the picture, if hes not willing to do that then I will file.

[soleil]

He has shown change in the past month which is confusing because he seems to be trying after he says he is done.

What are the "changes?" He just told you to "play nice" with the other woman and took her to the Haunted House w/ your kids! That is not changing. That is cake-eating, Jealousy.

Its a vicious cycle that i'm just not sure how to stop.

It's not something you can stop. That is entirely up to him.

I figured he seemed upset, said I was being rediculous and I should hold off on filing paper work. Its like he wants the marriage but wants his freedom too.

This is exactly what he wants (and what he currently has). How do you feel about that?

I will not let him ack until she is completely out of the picture, if hes not willing to do that then I will file..

He's showing you right now he's not willing to do that. As long as you're an option, he is going to continue waffling and having the good life...

[/quote]

[KellBell0820]

Of course I'm confused, and then realize OW is behind us and coming to the haunted house with us!!! Needlesss to say I was pissed! H then comes out and says that I'm just not playing nice?!?! What?

Hes pissed, doesnt understand why I dont like her and thinks I should be able to be an "Adult" and be civilized and hang around with her because she is able to put things aside and be an adult.

Now he actually wants me to write down a list of all the reasons I dont like her. I told him to write down the reasons he does like her. I started the list (up to 19 so far) but not sure if i'll give it to him as whenever I write things down he runs them right to her.

OH HELL NO!!!!!!

You do not write a list for him. You do not do anything for him. Serve him w/ D papers and be done. He has a lot of balls/ and audacity pulling the crap he has. It's disgusting.

From this moment forward, I would only talk to him about your children/co-parenting. DO NOT give him the time of day.

I'm going to agree with Soleil here. And second the "OH HELL NO!!!" He does not deserve you. Seriously, maybe I'm just crazy, but I would've run his a$$ down with the car when he got out to talk to her. It is disgusting. Just file D papers and move on, you're too good for him, cut him off like a diseased hand.