This is a man who has cheated on you in the past, and is most likely cheating on you now. I expect that if he were to return to you, he would continue to cheat in the future.
The problem really isn't with your husband, it's with you. Why would you want to stay with a man that shows so much disrespect to you?
Starsky, Look at the first thread on the top of this (Newcomers) page. There is a list there. Sometimes the abbr are for posters names like PDT is Puppy Dog Tails.
Cheers
ps You seem a little young to remember Starsky and Hutch?
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
WAS = walk away spouse. BS = LBS = left behind spouse EA = emotional affair. STBX = soon to be ex CB = crap behavior] GAL = get a life PMA = positive mental attitude
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
Let him go, pack up his stuff, do what you want with the house, he doesn't want you as is. Stop all pursuing. He knows he can have you no matter what.
He wants what he can't have so be what he can't have. Understand? [/quote]
I guess you are right Coach. I already let go, don't call him and don't initiate any kind of communication. As things are now, packing his stuff will be a very much needed 180, first of all to keep those last bits of my dignity and demand some respect.
As of why I want to be married to a guy who cheated on me repeatedly, as pinhed asked me, I guess I cling to warm memories of the first ten years, when I was loved, cherished, protected and pampered by him, and memories of so many good times even in these times after Feb 2001 when he returned home.
Generally, he is a nice guy, intelligent, skillful, and, when himself, he is fun to be around. I liked his logical thinking, we share an engineering profession, interest in aviation and skydiving (thats where we met actually) and the same taste in music, food...a number of those little things. He doesn't drink, doesn't smoke, is careful with money and had a huge credit with me for being excellent father and taking care of the house repairment.
His suicide attempt in 2000 also played a big role. I was scared to death, but with a time distance, I came to believe it was a manipulation to blame me and impose guilt on me. Sure he was severely depressed, but what led him there was not my fault. This time he repeated a lot what I've already heard then, and it scared me initially and I wanted to help. I am not sure he is not playing the blame/guilt game again.
Me:48 H:48 M:23, T:27 DD 24 Bomb 1 07/27/10,IDLY,moved out without notice while I was at funeral Bomb 2 09/30/10, "I can't return home, I want D" Found out OW in picture since 07/09 D'd: 04/01/11
Some update: just minutes ago DD came to me with H's jacket in hand, ask me if this is his formal winter uniform jacket. Said yes... it turned out he was waiting for her in front of the house entrance to meet with her and to bring him jacket. She sat in his car and they left, don't know where. Neither she told me she is going to meet with him after all. She is 22 so he makes arrangements with her completely excluding me, and she doesn't tell me she's going to meet him. As if I don't exist at all, and that hurts badly.
So now, seems he has new tactics, completely ignoring me and asking DD to take little by little of his stuff from our apartment.
I am sure now I have to pack all his stuff and let him take it, to protect myself from further hurt, and to take a stand. That would be a 180 for me. What I'm still not clear about is how to approach it - should I tell him I'm not going to tolerate his behaviour, or should I just tell him that I packed his stuff and please arrange to pick it either in person or have somebody take it for him (as he is avoiding to come over by all costs). I am afraid that he might tell DD to take stuff for him and I want to avoid it.
What do you say?
Sky
Me:48 H:48 M:23, T:27 DD 24 Bomb 1 07/27/10,IDLY,moved out without notice while I was at funeral Bomb 2 09/30/10, "I can't return home, I want D" Found out OW in picture since 07/09 D'd: 04/01/11
First try to avoid doing anything that'll put your daughter in the middle of a bad situation. Her loyalties are already torn, so you need to be mindful of that.
Next, get some boxes and pack up all his stuff. Tell him that he has 5 days to pick it up, or it's getting donated to Goodwill.
After that, don't contact him at all except through a good lawyer.
Then start rebuilding your life and self-esteem. We call that GAL. Maybe your husband will grow up, but based on his previous behaviour, I wouldn't hold my breath.
Thanks pinhead, I really need some sobering, blunt words. For some stupid reason, I cannot make myself stand for myself when its about H. I have to push myself to become angry and really pi***d off.
Seems my H is doing excellent job pi***ng me off, as he just sent DD to bring him his cap and gloves too
Sky
Me:48 H:48 M:23, T:27 DD 24 Bomb 1 07/27/10,IDLY,moved out without notice while I was at funeral Bomb 2 09/30/10, "I can't return home, I want D" Found out OW in picture since 07/09 D'd: 04/01/11
Thanks pinhead, I really need some sobering, blunt words. For some stupid reason, I cannot make myself stand for myself when its about H. I have to push myself to become angry and really pi***d off.
Seems my H is doing excellent job pi***ng me off, as he just sent DD to bring him his cap and gloves too
Sky
The reason why you need the blunt words is easy and understandable...looking at your signature, we've been with him since you're 20s? I'm imagining that doesn't count dating, so you've been with him since you were a young woman...you grew up together. That makes is so hard and it is understandable.
During my time of separation ( was was separted 2 years before even filing for divorce and then it took a year for the divorce to be final ) what helped me the most was thinking about what I deserved in a relationship and what was broken in my relationship w/ my EH. It was during that time that I realized how I felt (with him being gone) how I no longer felt like I had the world on my shoulders. I felt relief.
What have you been feeling like being alone? It's ok if there is feelings of longing to be back together, allow yourself to feel that. Also think (and put workds t0) about what else you're feeling too.
H & I, both 32, together since 18. *M 7/03, A since 9/06. Bomb 7/07, H ended it w/ OW 9/08 * Agreed to D 6/09...very hard *D 8/10 * At peace, have become great friends w/ X-H and his new GF
Beth83, yes, I've been with him 27 years, 23 of them married. We were both 20 when we met. It is not only about our time spent together, its about whole my world, my life, everything that I ever had, knew, loved, wanted and felt comfortable with. Now I feel as if I'm robbed for the past 30 years of my life, there is nothing that is mine there any more, no place that I can go for comfort, taking "me" time, being at peace. He will have all this and I am forced to find new life.
Why I say that? We met at the dropzone, both were skydivers. Flying/skydiving is a big part of our lives. His team have been competing at several World championships and World cups, and today he is recognised instructor and tandem master. Both my BILs skydive too, one of them is a world known authority in base jumping, inventor/designer and world No1. manufacturer of wingsuit (its his patent/design). His GF skydives too.The other one is a cameraman. I can't skydive now due to health issues, but I am always around. So you can imagine that skydiving was a common conversation theme of our family gatherings often, our circle of friends is from there too. If indeed there is an OW4, and if she is the one I suspect it might be, then she will just replace me - another skydiver.
We studied together, same university, same subjects, same majors, same minors, same degree (Mech.Eng.). We got scholarships from the same company and worked there for a while, just different departments, but in two neighbouring buildings. Our professional lives split eventually, he joined military, but we remained in the same professional area, similar jobs/positions. He can retire from active duty within a year time, so just 2-3 months before he left he was pretty enthusiastic about joining me in my company after retirement, to further develop it together. I own a company and he was a great support ever since foundation, literally till the last day.
Now what? I lose everything, not just him, the family (my only one, I' don't have my primary family any more, all died) but the whole my life as I knew it, I am forced to build a new life, new circle of friends, avoid the dropzone (the only one here)... Just can't imagine it, too hard
Sky
Me:48 H:48 M:23, T:27 DD 24 Bomb 1 07/27/10,IDLY,moved out without notice while I was at funeral Bomb 2 09/30/10, "I can't return home, I want D" Found out OW in picture since 07/09 D'd: 04/01/11
