Well, after several months of thinking there was positive progress, I woke up the last several nights frustrated. I kept asking myself why H still was not affectionate. About 3am this morning this little voice told me to go through his cellphone. I did. I discovered emails to and from another woman. They were not sexual in nature, but very much an emotional affair. I confronted him, of course. No where in the emails did it mention them having gotten physical, but that's a moot point at this juncture. H was supposed to have stopped all this outside stuff.
Naturally, H claims she has nothing to do with our issues... that it's recent. Whatever. I'm so tired of his lies and his blaming me, and his unwillingness to do any real work on our R. He claims he just doesn't have hope that our R will work. He fence sits because he doesn't want to hurt me or the kids.
I'm extremely hurt today and in a LOT of pain. I am determined that this is it though: he either puts the work in or he needs to go. I guess where I need some advice is this: if he is willing to put in the work (say through a FT or some sort of marriage building program) do I allow him to stay even if he doesn't want to put in the work???
I don't know. I'm so upset at this point... tired of fighting for this man who treats me with such disrespect.
I'm sorry for your pain. I know how much it hurts to know that there is someone else.
There are a lot of ways to handle this, but the only way that is the right way is the one that benefits you. Right now you're in pain, but you are angry too. Any decision made from anger is not a good one.
Any ultimatum or decision or choice you force upon him right now will only justify what he is "thinking" already. I would go very dim and focus on you til YOU can make a rational decision.
This is where the support of the board and the alt will help you. Can you hold back from lighting him up or giving him an ultimatum for at least a few days?
I'm sure your right although I guess I already posed an ultimatum of sorts with the "work on things or get out" deal. I can't say I lit him up too badly...probably should have more, actually. I stayed calm and composed most of the time but did a lot of crying too.
Honestly, I think he just wants to go back to fence-sitting and cake-eating. After going out to lunch (to put on a brave face for the kids) before my D went back to college, he asked if I wanted to go to the movies! ???
I will try not to discuss this with him further today, while I'm still emotional. However, right now may be the only time I have the guts to tell him it's time to put up or shut up! It'd be different if this was the first offense, but it's not. I'd already told him months ago I wouldn't put up with a 3rd party. Yet - he did it again, anyway.
Well, TG, I didn't do a good job waiting 48 hours, that's for sure. Although, I can say I didn't initially react emotionally - I was very calm when I first confronted him on it.
Yes, I did set the boundary that he wasn't to be seeking outside R's if he was going to stay in the home and "work" on the M. He closed his facebook acct which had been a big problem. He knows that cyber-crap and texts qualifies as 3rd party stuff. And yes, of course he claimed it was nothing: just talk.
So...yes, I need to enforce this since it was a boundary. That's why I felt I had to tell him that either he commits to working a true plan towards restoration or he needs to leave. Since he broke this 3rd party boundary, that's the only enforcement I know to do other than just telling him to get the H out automatically.
Yes, I mostly need enforcement for me and I told him so. I told him I have to protect myself from his hurtful behavior. He honestly does not see the pain this causes. "It's just talk," according to him.
SO: my big question is, if he's willing to actually work a plan -say go to FT or marriage builders - or something - is his willingness to do it good enough, even if he doesn't "want" to?
My theory is, you put in the real work and you act your way into feeling. That's why it works regardless of attitude. However, if he's just going to do it to continue to cake eat, is it any good? (OF course he has to cut off all communication with OW, etc...)
My previous threads are a bit all over the place so I thought I'd post a little background here that might be easier.
I'm having a rough morning, I will admit it. I have no motivation. I feel like crap physically and mentally. I feel more depressed today than I have in a long time...maybe even more so than the original bomb. I don't know why. I feel like living in this crisis, combined with the house fire, financial issues, worrying about the kids, etc... is more than I can take. I'm not sure I have much PMA in me. I don't know that I have any fight left for this marriage.
Anyway, here's the synopsis:
- Me: stay-at-home mom for most of 20 yrs. H: Engineer
- H dropped bomb in April - he felt it was over. Typical A or MLC behavior and talk ensued.
- I tried to find evidence of A for awhile but none found. However, did find some strange Facebook stuff.
- H did not leave the home or the bedroom. Claimed willingness to work on things. I started DBing. I addressed all his issues he made to the best of my ability and still am. These areas came down to me getting help for my depression that I had been in for the last couple years: housekeeping, letting myself go, being a fun person to be around, managing finances better.
- Sexual text msg to an old GF sent to me by H by mistake in June. Told H he was free to go. I would not live in an open marriage. He chose to stay. (It meant nothing, of course.) He closed FB account.
- I went to FT, H went once, didn't return. Didn't like being asked to hold a mirror to himself rather than blaming me for ALL our problems.
- I went back to school as H and I both agreed that was the better option rather than workforce due to earning potential. Part of GAL and 180's.
- No change in H's efforts in M. Convinced him to go to M retreat for troubled R's. Learned a lot but H still not ready to fully commit to future. Told him he needed to at least work on things, or make the decision to go ahead and leave. 2nd time I offered him the door.. this was beginning of Aug. He once again chose not to leave.
- Better behavior ensued. H started participating with family, no more talk of leaving, was home when supposed to be home. I thought this was progress, but no real affection towards me was shown. After 2 months of this, my gut flaired up again. Hence...
- Discovery late Sat. night of the emails between H and some OW. (Not the same person as the sexting of June.) No talk of any physical contact, but I wouldn't doubt anything at this point. She appears to be out of state though. Lots of emotional stuff - wanting to be to with her - and a lot of his listening to her and being there for her, telling her she's beautiful, etc... VERY painful. It's been a long time since I've gotten that from him!!!
- The talk that came after my confronting him about it was more of the same ole, same ole. He still blaims me that his life is not what he wants. Still takes no personal responsibility. On one hand he doesn't want to hurt me or the kids, on the other, he wants his freedom and just believes it won't work. Offered once again for him to leave if he wanted to continue this EA.
- H DOES notices all the changes in me. Even commented that "now I am trying to be everything he wants..." but of course, it's "too late" and "the spark is just gone."
- Spent the evening last night being nice to me... trying to meet my needs for once. Why? is the question!
During all of this I feel I have done a good job of not begging, pleading, or being angry - but calm, cool, and confident of my own position. (Not 100% of course, but mostly) My FT thought I was doing a great job handling things. So good, in fact, I stopped going. It seemed pointless. I hope to get back to that point again - and soon!
SO: my big question is, if he's willing to actually work a plan -say go to FT or marriage builders - or something - is his willingness to do it good enough, even if he doesn't "want" to?
Sunny I have not posted to you before although we have met at Little Friday's. IMHO the above will not work. It is something that you can try, but to have any expectations that it will work is something different.
It seems to me that your husband is in a MLC, he is in replay which is a stage of MLC.
No amount of control or pressure will snap him out of it. Boundaries are good. A must. But the only thing that will end this is time, lots of time.
My suggestion is to detach/dim/dark/nc with him (pick one). Let him live his life and you live yours. Having a live in is difficult at best.
Really the difference in advice is no different except the exposing. The exposure puts pressure on the MLC'er and they react poorly to it. Not to say it won't work. It might.
Thanks, Lance...and yes, I remember "meeting" you. :-) (My son has had football games the last few weeks.)
I don't really have anyone to expose to in this situation, so exposure really isn't even an option. Well, except to our kids - who already know about the first indiscretions - for better or worse. At this point I do not plan on telling them of the latest. Would they hold his feet to the fire? Yes...at least, my S16 would and D19. However, that is not their job, of course. (And for the record, was not my intention for them to know about the earlier stuff, but they did find out.)
Anyway, H is not close to his family. No one at his work would really care - I don't know any of them anyway. No idea if OW is married or not. My family would never forgive H.
SO: if detaching (et al) is best, doesn't that mean asking him to leave? I don't see how I can live my life separately with him here. It's too hard. Well, at least today it is. We've basically been doing that for several months now anyway, all things considered, except the joint family things.
How do I respond when he is "trying"? For instance, last night he went and got me coffee, rubbed my feet... held my hand... stuff he has not done in a long time. That crap sucks me in - makes me think he's truly trying. Yet, my brain says, "No, he just wants you to keep letting him cake eat!" Do I allow the cake eating???
SO: if detaching (et al) is best, doesn't that mean asking him to leave? I don't see how I can live my life separately with him here. It's too hard. Well, at least today it is. We've basically been doing that for several months now anyway, all things considered, except the joint family things.
Again IMHO do not force him to leave. Because then it is YOUR fault. MLC'ers want to have the LBS take the blame for their faults. Do not go into that trap. If he leaves he may NEVER come back because you forced him to go. If he wants to leave on his own then you can not stop him.
Originally Posted By: SunnyD
Do I allow the cake eating???
NO! You do not respond to him. Being with a live in is tricky, but it can be done. Stay as dark as possible.
You already have some experience with it, I suggest that if he comes into the room you are in then leave. Hey, you have to play each day by ear. But I would not be providing for any of his "needs" unless you absolutely have to. At least not while he is still in replay. Once the EA is over, that might be different.
Maybe he truely is trying. Could him texting/email OW be H reaching out for a little affirmation? Going dark does not mean you can't throw him a crumb once in a while (when deserved), right? That could be his affirmation. If you work on you and throw a crumb from time to time, you may see him just "trying" or really trying more? We are all scientists testing out theories about these aliens once our H/W. Time is part of the equation. Test and watch.
Are we not trying save M?
IMO
HopelessIn Love
M and W:33 Kids M-10 ILYBNIL-4/2/10 Sep: 8/20/10 Back into house: 10/18/10
