Where Does the WAW go--Take 2

[Scared2Def]

is he wrong for wanting to be by the kids, maybe you can work on it if you become willing to work on the marriage. i really do not see how you can tell him you will not work on the marriage. just me, but that make no sense to me at all. how can you expect him to be normal not knowing and the fact he wants to stay with the kids. you should be so lucky because most men would say go. the fact he wants you and the kids should indicate that he is willing to whatever it takes to resolve your family issues. ddodi, just make this work for you, you husband and the children. in that order.

[Scared2Def]

why are you waiting for him to make the decision, so you do not have to be the bad guy? he does not want this at all apparently, so why should be make the decision? it is obvious to me he does not want to lose his family. are you wanting to take the family apart in an attempt to find your possible happiness? he is willing to work it out it appears to me. are you really willing or are you just waiting for him to get sick of you not showing or giving love?

[john28]

In my head the decision is made...we need time apart so we can grow. But he said he wanted us to stay so he could be with the kids. He said that he could keep his emotions in check and give me the space I needed so that we could both be there for the kids. When it became to much for him then we would leave, so that's why I'm waiting for him to make a decision.

You sound very similar to my W. I'll put it really clear for you so you can maybe understand the desperate LBS mentality.

Unless these words come out of your mouth, you're not going to get the space you need and his emotions be in check: "I love you, my dear H, and I want to be with you. I am going to be here and not leave you. But, I need some space while I'm here right now to work on myself. That doesn't mean I don't want to be with you - it just means I need to get some serious space to myself right now so I can make this M work. I'm not going anywhere."

Anything short of that, and he'll pressure.

I know.

[Doodi]

is he wrong for wanting to be by the kids, maybe you can work on it if you become willing to work on the marriage. i really do not see how you can tell him you will not work on the marriage. just me, but that make no sense to me at all. how can you expect him to be normal not knowing and the fact he wants to stay with the kids. you should be so lucky because most men would say go. the fact he wants you and the kids should indicate that he is willing to whatever it takes to resolve your family issues. ddodi, just make this work for you, you husband and the children. in that order.

I never said he was wrong in wanting to be with the kids. The question was why was I letting him make the decision. I've made my decision, I haven't left is because the kids should have both parents.

AS for him willing to do whatever it takes, this new line of events is because HE told me to proceed and go. I just want to make sure he isn't going to flip and say for me to stay after we've told the kids. Once I tell my kids, I'm out. There will be now turning back.

why are you waiting for him to make the decision, so you do not have to be the bad guy? he does not want this at all apparently, so why should be make the decision? it is obvious to me he does not want to lose his family. are you wanting to take the family apart in an attempt to find your possible happiness? he is willing to work it out it appears to me. are you really willing or are you just waiting for him to get sick of you not showing or giving love?

Again, I'm not waiting on him to make a decision for me. Like I said, I've told him where I was and that I would stay so he could be near the kids. If it became too much for him to be around me while I worked through my things, we would reevaluate at that time. That's where we are.

If you've read my whole thread then you would know, I never said I wanted to leave. I've always said that where our marriage was wasn't working, that my head was all over the place and I need some time and patience so I could work things out. I then called the MC and started that. My H has pushed me to make decisions and my decision (after 5 months of being cornered) finally became it was time to go. During that time, I NEVER received the 'space' I needed.

I have asked my H for space and patience so that I can work through the things in my head. I have yet to receive either of those because I was putting him and my family ahead of what I needed. He doesn't see this.

NO SPACE--I have told him that the things there are not pleasant, in regards to him or the M, but that I felt they were also not completely true. In the beginning, I didn't want to start what I felt was the 'blame game' because I didn't want to make things worse. I didn't go over our past with him the way I felt it had gone 1) because I wasn't sure my warped brain was reliving it the way it happened 2) because my H is very sensitive and doesn't think when he initially reacts causing major damage to the M, me and I was starting to think himself. He wanted to know everything that was in my head and decided to snoop. This cause more issues that it solved and in vent or express my craziness without him finding out. He would take things out of context and literal when some of the things he would stumble on were just me dumping the toxins in my head.

NO TIME--He asks me at least once a week. 'Are you better yet?' I keep telling him, that I have major issues and that our marriage has big problems that are going to take time. He's the one that is pushing, sometimes daily, and not realizing the small growths. I get that he is fighting against the changes because we've been the same way for so long, but the way we were was killing me and I just can't go back there.

So on the flip, since you ask why if I'm willing to work on us. Well like I said, in the beginning I asked for time to get myself straightened out so I could focus on us...I didn't get it. His only verbal request was for me to pay more attention to him. He says that if I loved him then I would know all the other things he needs and he shouldn't have to tell me so he doesn't...so I'm left guessing and I'm obviously guessing wrong. The big problem in my world is what I can give, is NEVER enough. He always wants more.

But the MC has continued with me being the primary active person in the room (he tends to just say...whatever she wants I'll do). He asked that I spend more time with him and put the laptop down--so nightly after our kids are tucked away, I've done it. I've stopped the surfing/reading, which is why I don't post as much on here. But if he gets into sports (which I can't STAND), I will sit on my laptop on the couch, next to him doing my thing, but I will respond and watch good plays or ask him about the game during commercials. Not enough.

Intimacy has always been a problem for us. I have my issues and I know this so does H. I have told him that I won't do the kissing/hugging/etc until I feel it and I think that is fair. I shouldn't fake it. If he asks, I don't turn down the small things--I've held is hand while out, I've given hugs, and small pecks here and there. The 2 times I came out of my comfort zone and did something on my own, he questioned, belittled and criticized so, I hesitate again.

I really don't know what more he wants from me. I don't do anything...NOTHING outside of the home. My day is get the kids up and out, hit the gym, come home and wait for the kids to get home, cook supper/wait for H to get home and then sit, chat here and there until it is time to go to bed. The only difference on the weekends is that I don't have to get the kids up and we have been going out sometimes to do family things.

That's my life. The calls from my friends are fewer and farther in between. They know my drama and it has consumed me, who wants to be around the girl who can't stop talking about how miserable her M is but for me that's my life. I used to go out one day a month to craft with my girls but that's stopped because my heart isn't in it, plus it caused drama sometimes. I would read online stories, but that was taking time from him...so I stopped. I like TV but I watch the wrong things. So I do NOTHING.

I'm stopping now. It's crazy because this is exactly what I have to do with my H every 6 days. Every 6 days, I have to explain why I'm still here. Every 6 days, I have to explain what I'm doing. Every 6 days, I have to prove myself AGAIN. I'm so f#cking tired. I don't know what to do. I don't know what he wants. I don't know where to go. But everyone is looking to me to fix it.

Ok...I'm sinking. I'm done. Bye 4 now.
Doodi

[Doodi]

You sound very similar to my W. I'll put it really clear for you so you can maybe understand the desperate LBS mentality.

Unless these words come out of your mouth, you're not going to get the space you need and his emotions be in check: "I love you, my dear H, and I want to be with you. I am going to be here and not leave you. But, I need some space while I'm here right now to work on myself. That doesn't mean I don't want to be with you - it just means I need to get some serious space to myself right now so I can make this M work. I'm not going anywhere."

Anything short of that, and he'll pressure.

I know.

Here is what I have said...

I care about you more than you know and I'm going to keep fighting for our family. Right now I have to fix me, I'm not strong enough to handle our M issues in the mental state that I'm in. I understand it's asking alot of you to wait and I can't promise where my thoughts will be when I get myself figured out. If you don't want to wait, that is your choice and I will accept it but I'm not going anywhere until my head is straight or you tell me to go. I'm just not of sound mind to make those big decisions. While I'm working on myself, I will try the best I can to fix our M but somethings are just too much right now. I'll be as honest as I can but I just need you to be patient.

So that's what I've said, over and over again. That's why the decision is his to make. I'm not ready to make the decision of I'm I DONE with my M. I'm just done with this pain I feel on a daily basis and something had to give...right now that's the M. But deep behind my walls, I don't think I'm done with us...at least I'm praying I'm not.

Doodi

[soleil]

I understand it's asking alot of you to wait and I can't promise where my thoughts will be when I get myself figured out. If you don't want to wait, that is your choice and I will accept it but I'm not going anywhere until my head is straight or you tell me to go.

So that's what I've said, over and over again. That's why the decision is his to make.

But deep behind my walls, I don't think I'm done with us...at least I'm praying I'm not.

Doodi,

From your posts, it sounds like you kind of want of your M and are in limbo on how to best approach that. You say the decision is his to make but what about you? Relationships are hard but it almost sounds like you are stringing him along until you figure out what you want.

Your H is no doubt going through a very diffuclt time hearing about how you are "not sure" of you M w/ him. Try to look at things from his point of view. That is why I asked you, what would you do if he told you he was done? You said the last time you fought him on it and then accepted/agreed to it. To me it sounds like (and I could be wrong) that you want out of your M.

Are you seeing an IC?

I see you found some use my in Rocky post (your sig). It's a good one, yeah?

[Doodi]

Soleil,

I think I want my marriage, but I need to to make sure I want it for the right reasons. I want to make sure that it is what I want because I love my H and that it's not just me responding to the guilt I feel for ruining life for my kids and destroying my H.

Ready to get even more confused, you're right again I don't want to be here because of the anxiety and frustration I feel on a daily basis. I know I'm not enough for my H...he wants more than I can give. Not just now, but he always has. I've always been inadequate. I have spent most of my marriage trying to conform to what he wanted but what he wanted never stayed the same. So basically the real me was lost in the mix. Now I'm trying to figure out what I like, what I want and who the H3LL I am. My entire life became, "if it makes you happy, it's fine with me." I can't go back to that. I just can't.

But the problem is I don't know if I can find out who I am, while I'm still in the M trying to fix it. My H has always suffered from anxieties/insecurities which have been compounded because of the 'bomb' but now everything I do is believed to have hidden meaning so it's like my life is covered in broken glass on top of the eggshells that have always been there. No matter what at this point, I'm screwed.

Yes, part of the 'bomb' was because of the IC I've been going through. I still see her and she agrees that I'm not of the right mind to make life changing decisions but so I'm not. But as in everything, he does have a choice as well...wait or go.

And I most definitely love your Rocky quote. It describes my mental state to a tee. Got any other good ones up your sleeve.

Thanks for all your help,
Doodi

[Kalni]

Doodi,
I've been following on and off. Sounds to me you dont know what to do with "the control" you have.

I get stressed when I read your posts. The way you feel and they way he feels/acts, things cant work out with you prolonging the misery.

You cant have the cake and eat it too my dear. You cant stay in your home, NOT hurt your kids because you cant stand the thought, detach yourself completely, control everything about the R AND complain your H doenst respond in a way that it would make it easier for you to decide whether you can leave him or not. Sorry, to me, it sounds....selfish.

I dont care how nicely you put it, how many half hearted attempts you have made, how justified you are to feel this way (which I dont doubt), how you treat him now, has to do with ...humanity (is this how you say it?). Years of "abuse" from his part, do not entitle you to cruelty.

You take advantage that he doesnt have the nerve to tell you to go and allow yourself to be stagnate in a sitch that you desrcibe as torture... Do what you want to do. I suggest you take some risks, better to make that choice before you find yourself not able to avoid anymore. I suggest you stop using the martyr card to yourself. You are strong, you can do as you want. No excuses. This isnt about your H anymore. You are the one controlling things now. This is about you. What's YOUR progress the last 5 months?
K

[Kalni]

Ohh and life wont wait for us until we figure things out... Unfortunately.

[Coach]

I think I want my marriage, but I need to to make sure I want it for the right reasons. I want to make sure that it is what I want because I love my H and that it's not just me responding to the guilt I feel for ruining life for my kids and destroying my H.

Ready to get even more confused, you're right again I don't want to be here because of the anxiety and frustration I feel on a daily basis. I know I'm not enough for my H...he wants more than I can give. Not just now, but he always has. I've always been inadequate. I have spent most of my marriage trying to conform to what he wanted but what he wanted never stayed the same. So basically the real me was lost in the mix. Now I'm trying to figure out what I like, what I want and who the H3LL I am. My entire life became, "if it makes you happy, it's fine with me." I can't go back to that. I just can't.

But the problem is I don't know if I can find out who I am, while I'm still in the M trying to fix it. My H has always suffered from anxieties/insecurities which have been compounded because of the 'bomb' but now everything I do is believed to have hidden meaning so it's like my life is covered in broken glass on top of the eggshells that have always been there. No matter what at this point, I'm screwed.

You can't change the way you feel until you change your thinking. You feel in absolutes leaves no room for things to change.

Google Martin Seligman and Learned Optimism.