This is my first time posting; I'll share my story and welcome any advice or comments. My wife and I have been married 8.5 years. This is a second for both of us. We have 2 wonderful kids; a daughter that is 5 and a 2.5 year old son. We both started businesses several years ago (oddly enough, my wife is a therapist, but works with adolescents, not couples) at the same time and in retrospect that’s where it all started going wrong. Our financial situation 3 years ago was fantastic. Now it sucks. My business, which my wife didn’t want me to start in the first place, is the primary reason. She now says she “hates” my business. I have said that about her’s in the past.
If you has asked me 6 weeks ago how we were I would have told you that we didn't have enough time together, money, sleep or free time and that it had been a tough year but otherwise we were fantastic. I knew that we'd been fighting more this year than before, but we both run our own businesses and have 2 young kids. I thought it was just that and that each fight (maybe 1 a month or 6 weeks and never "nasty", no yelling, name calling, etc). Well that all changed on Sept 6th. My wife first indicated that "we might not work". We, I went to pieces for the next 3 weeks. Typical stuff. Crying, pleading, begging, what can I change, I’ll do anything, etc. All that stuff I now know not to do. Over a period of 20 days she moved from "I'll be ok, I just need time" to "I'm trying" to "I'm trying, but not sure" to "It's not working, but let's give it a year" to "it's over". In 20 days! Holy crap. Well the next day, I got “Divorce Busting” and the next day started implementing the techniques. I’ve had success, but want more.
First, for about 8 days now, we’ve gotten along great. Except for 1 small setback, we’ve laughed, joked, had a good time. We’ve gone to dinner twice without the kids and had fun. But all along, she’s still talking about “when we’re divorced”. It’s definitive. I’m not pursuing her. I’m busting my rear around the house. Doing all I can with kids, laundry, etc. She still sends me text messages that I reply to but don’t initiate. We’re joking and being fun. In one message, we discussed the kids and she ended with “have a good flight, wly”. She used to sign all messages either “ILY” or “WLY” depending on if the kids were there.
She says she loves me and wants us to be friends. She’s even told me that she’s enjoying being my friend.
In another message she told me she was sad because she didn’t want “her decision messing up the kids”. I responded that it would be tough on them for sure, but we’d help them through it together.
I’m working with a coach and trying to stay strong, confident, and secure. But it’s so hard.
One challenge I have is that my wife doesn’t change her mind easily. She makes it up and stands by it. That scares the crap out of me!
I know that patience is key, but what can any of suggest in terms of milestones, timelines, advice, etc? We’ve agreed to live together until we can sell the house. That will take forever, so I seem to have time, but this is so hard. I love my wife dearly. Help!
M: 39 W: 37 Married: 9 D5; S3 "It's Over" 09/26/10 11 Day Sep 10/10 Piecing Starts 11/4/10 Piecing Fails 4/11 I move out 5/11 Hire Lawyer 6/11 - Stall 6/22/11 Piecing #2 - 6/22/11 Home 10/11
I am sorry you are here, but there is a lot of support, advice, insight and friendship to be gained here. We've all been thru this and it sucks, no sugar coating things. I too have a stubborn W, but that doesn't mean there is no hope.
Lets start with the basics: could there be an affair (EA or PA) going on with OM. More often than not, that is how a WAW goes from I just need a little time to its over in less than a month. Don't just assume your W wouldn't do that. Does she spend a lot of time on the computer, keep cell phone hidden/locked, have a male friend who is just a great/close friend, etc.
Patience will be key. This will take a long time.
What else drove the issues? Probably more than stress of finances and business. Time to look at yourself and figure out how you can grow and learn from this.
I'm sure some vets will chime in when they get a chance, but they will need to know this and maybe a little more information.
M39 W41 Two children WAW bomb dropped 11/7/09 Piecing Aug 10 - Nov 10 No longer piecing...Nov 10 Separation Jan 11 EA ends again Feb 11 Piecing attempt #2, Mar 11
I am the WA in my sitch and I agree that you need to confirm there isn't an EA/PA so you can make sure you are going forward with all the information. But I also want to add that if you were begging/pleading/etc. then this can also push her out the door. It's like being cornered. She asked for some time and you pushed...when you feel cornered one of 2 things happens fight/flight. She fought your for 20 days now she's ready to run.
It was fast, but I don't know her or the entire story but I do get the progression she went through.
Don't give up, Doodi
"I feel like Rocky in the fifteenth round, beaten beyond recognition, when I realize, the only person I've been fighting for is...myself."
I am sorry you are here, but there is a lot of support, advice, insight and friendship to be gained here. We've all been thru this and it sucks, no sugar coating things. I too have a stubborn W, but that doesn't mean there is no hope.
Boy o Boy how I can relate. First thing to remember is this will take so much work and effort from you that you will have to dig down deep into yourself and find the strength.
Don't believe words from your WAW. Just as she won't believe you saying you will change.
Actions are the key. Show her. The key it to mentally prepare yourself for either outcome and no matter what happens you will be OK. (It's not easy) But once you get there you won't feel the "Pressure" of saving your M.
Take care of your self first and find out what your up against.(Other Man?) I know stress can cause many problems in a M.
The more info you could provide the better we can help. gr8
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
My business, which my wife didn’t want me to start in the first place, is the primary reason. She now says she “hates” my business.
this isn't the reason she wants to get a divorce.
What is it really?
Has she changed her habits lately? Clothes, music, perfume, lingerie, grooming, phone locked, texting a lot, etc.......
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I am almost 100% certain that there is no OM. Although I guess I could never be certain, that just isn't her style and I've seen no signs or inclination that there is. Additionally, she's agreed to stay in the house with me until it sells. If there was an OM, I would assume she'd want to be free to pursue that as soon as possible.
M: 39 W: 37 Married: 9 D5; S3 "It's Over" 09/26/10 11 Day Sep 10/10 Piecing Starts 11/4/10 Piecing Fails 4/11 I move out 5/11 Hire Lawyer 6/11 - Stall 6/22/11 Piecing #2 - 6/22/11 Home 10/11
It is so true and very confusing in the beginning of the chaos.
Learn how to read your woman.
The pookster is channeling his inner Coach.
True. I listened to the vets, put it in practice, noticed the reactions, read between lines and came up with the solid fact that it is absolutely true.
I am almost 100% certain that there is no OM. Although I guess I could never be certain, that just isn't her style and I've seen no signs or inclination that there is. Additionally, she's agreed to stay in the house with me until it sells. If there was an OM, I would assume she'd want to be free to pursue that as soon as possible.
Chuck,
Print this out and put it someplace safe. Statistically you'll be coming back to reread it in anger.
Was it her style to want to leave you before? Have you gathered any intel? Or are you just going on faith?
