I've read your posts and I am in the same situation. My wife has been gone for 4 months. We have a daughter and I am not wired to be a part time dad, either. My wife filed for divorce in August. Her family all does the same thing - run when it gets tough instead of working through it. The majority o them - all divorced - her dad twice. She said she would never do this to our daughter because she knows of the pain it causes children. She too may have interest in OM (but can't confirm and I don't really think so) But I know I made the mistakes in our marriage - no infidelity - mainly neglecting her and then us arguing all the time. She believes she is doing what is best for our daughter now. When she communicates it is mainly by text.
Anyway, thats a little of my background. Here is what I have been doing and you can see if it applies for you. At first, I was pursuing an being clingy - not attractive. She wanted nothing to do with me - no communication whatsoever. Then I started DB. Went "dark" and worked on myself - or at least best I could considering our daughter. W began softening up to me and communicating - met for lunch, invited me for dinner at where she is staying (as we are not living together), stopped talking about divorce, etc. Things seemed to be opening up for a couple of weeks there. However, I was being needy in front of my daughter when I had her, unintentionally, and she was saying things to W which my W then called and said it was the last straw and filed. At that point I went back to my old ways and completely began chasing, pursuing, buying gifts, being clingy, pleading, etc. What a complete turn off to her. So, about a week and a half ago I reread DB and my journal. Went back to following the advice of LRT. Taking care of self, daughter when I have her, etc. After being dark again - W asked to meet at where she is staying to go over some things. She offered to go with me to the store, gave me a kiss when I left, and said "thank you." She has not pushed for me to sign divorce agreement.
Now I've got to be dark again and not get too pushy or she will get cold feet and run away. Anyway, this is my sich and thought it might help as I have a familiar sich.
Its the toughest thing I've ever been through in my life. There are times I feel like completely giving up. so, I understand. But I am determined to save my family.
I made mistakes, no infidelity,no abuse, but mistakes, our stories are close, only real difference is she hasn't filed yet (not that I know of anyway).
I was very clingy when she 1st left, there is no doubt. I panicked losing my boys, I panicked losing my wife. I went with some LRT's also, and a few weeks later, she said she wanted to goto IC and work things out. I was in heaven, I got a chance to give the boys a bath, put them to bed (at her house she is renting), we even went out a few times a week as a family again.
Her 2nd IC is where it all went to he!!. She met me that night to pick up the boys and had her rings off. That's where she said she was done, it was better for the boys, she wanted to start over with someone else, etc.
At that point, I went dark, problem is, she went darker.
So I don't want to give up, but sometimes I feel I have no choice. She won't talk, and it certainly doesn't seem like she misses being a family.
The idea of another guy raising my kids rips me apart inside.
The idea she thinks they are better off rips me apart also, my kids are my life.
I believe any problem could be worked out, I still do. I hope someday she does also.
Keep posting, I can use the support, thank you.
Last edited by Lostinlife; 10/11/1001:42 AM.
M-38 W-37 T-16,M-11 (Oct 30,1999) S-5 S-2 Wife left 7/4/2010
"When life hands you a lemon, say, 'Oh yeah, I like lemons! What else ya got?" — Henry Rollins
In my H's family divorce is very uncommon, but he does have a tendency to shut down and run off when things get rough. It's a side effect of his traumatic childhood, I believe.
New thread: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2112303
Hi Lostinlife, I came to drop by your thread to give you a hug. I can totally relate to how you feel and react in your situation... I feel very much the same even without kids. At times I'm not sure if going dark really works when your partner goes darker? Like everyone says, it'll turn out to be how it was meant to be... slowly I'm letting go. (((Lostinlife)))
Me:38 H:37, no kids Married: 2.5 yrs, together 5yrs Separated since Mar 2010
Hi Lostinlife, I came to drop by your thread to give you a hug. I can totally relate to how you feel and react in your situation... I feel very much the same even without kids. At times I'm not sure if going dark really works when your partner goes darker? Like everyone says, it'll turn out to be how it was meant to be... slowly I'm letting go. (((Lostinlife)))
Thanks fullmoon.
M-38 W-37 T-16,M-11 (Oct 30,1999) S-5 S-2 Wife left 7/4/2010
"When life hands you a lemon, say, 'Oh yeah, I like lemons! What else ya got?" — Henry Rollins
I'm sorry your here. It's been 7 months for me since the D bomb was dropped and I found out there was an affair. I never wanted to believe that my W was capable of something like that. Bottom line is she did it and I've embraced what has happened and I've worked on the things that I failed at in our M.
Long story short I have gotten great advice from this website and all the people who have experienced what we are going through. It's been a long 7 months and she has sinced moved out with our son and bought a new house. It's been a rough ride but it does get easier.
I'll have you know that 7 months later my W is now realizing what a mistake she has made and is begging for a 2nd chance. I'm not saying this will happen for everyone going through this but you need to allow yourself to give her the space she is requesting. At first is was hard to let her go, I myself was clingy and doing all the wrong things. Something clicked for me and I started making adjustments and I started to feel better emotionally and physically.
All I wanted was my W to come back to me and now she is showing signs that I'm the one she wants. The funny thing is with the therapy I've gone to and the growing that I've done the past 7 months I just don't know if I want her back......
My point is stay strong and focus on your kids and I promise things will get better for you.
M: 36 W: 29 S: 2.5 EA: 2/2010 OM1 D Bomb: 3/2010 PA: 6/2010 OM2 W moved out 8/2010 Loc: DE, USA
It is very difficult to go dark, especially if you think there is OM. But do you communicate at all b/c of the kids? If so, stick just to the issue she wants to communicate about. And keep it short.
I know it is an uphill battle when others, (family members, counselors, attorneys, etc.) are the only ones advising W and no one is encouraging her to work things out. But now is the time to be strong and confident in yourself - I know easier said than done. But she won't be attracted to you if you're not.
It is very difficult to go dark, especially if you think there is OM. But do you communicate at all b/c of the kids? If so, stick just to the issue she wants to communicate about. And keep it short.
I know it is an uphill battle when others, (family members, counselors, attorneys, etc.) are the only ones advising W and no one is encouraging her to work things out. But now is the time to be strong and confident in yourself - I know easier said than done. But she won't be attracted to you if you're not.
Her communication is by text alone, and only about drop and pick up. Nothing else at all to it. She is making herself as distant as possible. Again when I see her to pick up/drop off, she has a cocky smile and attitude, like she could care or less.
She has totally changed our marriage to suit her, venom that came out of her mouth never happened.
Funny part, in all the divorces, etc in her family, they always get rid of decent people, then they hook up with idiots in trouble with the law, mental cases, drug addicts, no jobs, and all say they are the happiest they have ever been.
She claims she is much happier, I respect that, don't like it, but still respect it. The fact that she wiped out everything about our marriage, and replaced it with garbage gets to me.
As long as she is darker than me, and won't even talk about the kids to me, shows me what sort of respect she actually has for me.
Sometimes I want to give up, then I think about my kids, my vows and I just can't yet...weird I know.
M-38 W-37 T-16,M-11 (Oct 30,1999) S-5 S-2 Wife left 7/4/2010
"When life hands you a lemon, say, 'Oh yeah, I like lemons! What else ya got?" — Henry Rollins
Not weird, normal. We are only human, it's not in our nature to constantly strive for something withou having moments of doubt about it. KEM has some good advice for you, though I know how hard it is to follow.
New thread: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2112303
