Hello, all. I have been lurking on these boards for about 3 weeks now, have read and re-read the Divorce Remedy and feel it's time to reach out for some help.
A bit of history first -
My H and I have been married for a little over 9 years. We have two amazing toddlers. I came into the relationship with trust issues (previous relationships, family of origin issues) and H unfortunately has not disappointed (two EA's, first within 6 months of our marriage). I see so clearly now the things I could have done differently. I also see very clearly now that my H has been searching for his lost love, or rather searching for some sort of nostalgic connection that has no basis in reality. About 10 months ago (shortly after I found out about EA #2) I got the "I love you but am not in love with you" speech. We started MC where I did most of the talking. H is not very growth-oriented, as far as I can tell. When MC started delving into H's issues with his father, H shut down and chose not to return to MC. I believe in therapy, but see now MC was not the answer for us. Even after receiving the speech from H, he continued to show me affection, told me he loved me and we continued to be intimate. I have been working my butt off for the past 10 months, trying my best to make the changes I thought he wanted in our marriage (I realize now I could have spent that time making the changes I needed to make for myself - hindsight is 20/20, right?). The past 3 months have been so difficult for me because I have felt so unloved. No tenderness from him. More and more distance. Love-making became rote (on his part). Compliments have been scarce.
About 3 weeks ago, I confronted him on his distance. We didn't argue but he kept saying that he could not give me the love I deserved and couldn't love me the way he wanted to love his wife. I asked if there was another woman. He told me there was the memory of another woman. He was referring to his first ex-wife (the one that left him 20 years ago for another man). He then said he needed to take a drive, something he has never done. He did not return until very late and he went to the guest room. I was able to see the calls he made (we shared a cell-phone plan) that night and realized he had called his ex-wife. I confronted him. He told me it was none of my business and then stated that they just had coffee - that he had some questions he needed to ask her. It was revealed to me that he saw her a month prior to this as well and that they had been talking off and on (as per the cell phone bill). He then shut down completely. He said wanted a separation. So two days later, he left. He found a room to rent about 15 minutes away (ex wife lives about 1 hour from us). I agreed to let him come home before the kids woke up and then come home after work so as not to confuse the kids. I did all the wrong things. Begging, pleading, reasoning, threatening. It just pushed him further away. He stopped wearing his wedding ring. He said he wanted a divorce but didn't want to initiate it. He wanted things to be mediated and asked I not leave him destitute (I am financially secure, with or without him). He asked that I not get a lawyer. When I told him that was not possible, that I would protect myself, he became very angry and said some really ugly things on one particular night. After that, I became angry - feeling like I was a piece of crap, that he really didn't care for me or the children. So I took all of the wedding photos down in our bedroom (for me, not him - I didn't want to look at them again). I kept a few photos of us from very early on - where the love just jumped right out of the picture. When he came the next day, I was polite but did not engage him. He then started to engage me. Apologized, asked to stay later with me that night instead of bolting the moment the children were put to bed. He even kissed me and hugged me. It was so confusing because once I backed down and softened, it appeared he backed off as well. Anyway - last Wednesday he asked to move back in. He said that he felt like he needed to give us one last chance (emphasis on "one last") and that he was trying to be openminded. He stated he still did not feel the love for me he wanted to feel for a wife. He stated that if things didn't feel right in about a month then we would both have to accept that it was over. I held my ground on that one because his reality is not mine. I feel he is so confused, probably in a MLC. I asked if he still had feelings for ex-wife. He said he would always have feelings for her and always had (news to me) but that he was not even "dealing" with that anymore because he wanted to focus on us. That it wasn't fair to anyone for him to be going back and forth.
So. Here I am wondering what in the world to do. I've been working the Marriage Fitness program which leans more to the side of being the best spouse one can be - not trying to manipulate the other person but really making the changes needed to be healthy in a relationship. This program also wants one to hold their spouse near - both figuratively and literally. Keeping communication open, showing affection when possible, etc. This is somewhat opposed to what I'm learning with DB and this is where I get lost. I think the choices he made were deplorable and insulting yet I feel I understand his motivation (I don't condone his motivation one bit). I feel that part is his mess to deal with. Yet here I am - he knows I am in love with him and that I want to make our marriage work. He knows I'm not going anywhere. He knows he is in control. While I get the "get a life" aspect of DBing, I don't quite get the mystery aspects. How should I be acting around him? What should I be doing to wake him up? How to I survive with him in the home, in bed next to me, longing for his touch but knowing he will not initiate it (he does reciprocate if I initiate - at this time there is no sex, which is fine with me for now because I don't know what kind of physical contact he had with his ex). I get the concept of 180's - and have been implementing that mostly in word (not arguing, not becoming dramatic, not picking fights, not crying) but have no idea how to implement in deed.
Yikes. This is so long and I applaud anyone who took the time to read it. I also offer my great thanks in advance to those who might be willing to offer insight and advice.
M9+ T 11+ Me42 H44 2 kids under 5 IlYBNILWY -3/10 A discovered late 8/10 H moved out early 9/10 - back two weeks later "Taking a Break" - H moves out 1/2/10
M9+ T 11+ Me42 H44 2 kids under 5 IlYBNILWY -3/10 A discovered late 8/10 H moved out early 9/10 - back two weeks later "Taking a Break" - H moves out 1/2/10
