My husband, myself and the marriage have been a train wreck for the past 2 years.
Him: Classic narcissist who HAS to have attention 24/7. Sexual maturity of an 11 year old-he's kind of interested, but finds it gross and scary at the same time. He won't talk about sex or engage in anything other than the 2 positions he is comfortable with. Lost his job 3 years ago. Is now working at 1/4 of what he used to make.
Me: Classic enabler. I let him lie and disrespect me because he "needed the attention". I love sex and being adventurous-but would settle for just an emotional connection, because I love the jerk. I had several surgeries because they thought I had cancer-so I stopped working my job at an animal hospital. I fill in on the rare occasion they need me.
Us: He has had several emotional affairs-never any proof that they turned into PA. I spied once early on in the marriage, but felt horribly guilty about it, so never confronted him. And never spied again. 4 years ago I had an EA with a guy online and husband caught us on the phone. Left for a week, but then came back and we worked through it. 2 years ago I told him I was very unhappy with our sex life-felt no emotional connection and his favorite position was too physically painful for me. I put my foot down and said "no more" until you can work with me on something that would make us BOTH happy. We had sex 2 times in the past 2 years. He would joke about sex, but never really talk to me-I realize now, that at least it was an attempt, and I didn't credit him with even that much-just resented his childishness. We were getting along fine otherwise-or so I thought. Then he dropped the bomb that he couldn't stay in a sexless marriage and didn't want to do therapy or try to fix it-he just wanted out. I cried and begged of course. Then went dark. Insisted on an R talk a few days later. He didn't say much of anything else-he hates to talk about any kind of relationship issues-the one new thing he brought to the table was that he was going through a MLC, but wouldn't elaborate. We agreed that he would keep the house and buy my half, and we'd split every thing else 50/50. Since our savings and a 401k were used to keep us from bankruptcy during his unemployment we don't have much left.
I don't really have a job-I'm shy, so I don't have a lot of friends. I was frozen with fear, so I didn't do too much of the pursuing. Then I found this site and read the books. Did 180s-got out and reconnected with friends. Still looking for a job. Told him I had to get my name taken off the deed to my mother's house before we could file ourselves for an uncontested divorce. He said he was fine with that. I said the one thing I wanted us to agree on is not to see other people until D was final-he agreed. Although I suspected he was already in another EA from his facebook. There is one woman who gushes over every little thing he posts. I couldn't do any spying since he is a computer whiz-but I am uncomfortable with spying anyway.
His grandmother and mother who live together are both having issues. I thought he had been going up to help take care of things every weekend, but one weekend his mom called looking for him. I saw from our joint bank account that he was spending $ every other weekend in the city of facebook chick. I had no other evidence, so I still asked no questions and tried to stick to the LRT. I've read everything on the boards for the past 2 months-finding support and encouragement through others. I thought things were going well, since he noticed and commented that I was looking good and seemed surprised not to find me at home most nights. He even started cooking fancy meals for me, but refused to say anything about the R other than-"is the deed settled so I can file?" I haven't actually even started working on it.
The sticky part for me now is that my mother just found out she has cancer. It was another dose of reality that emphasized how short life is. I find I have no patience anymore...but still love the guy and miss my support system and best friend. His mom called again looking for him and I am going insane thinking he is with someone else. I did peek at his e-mail today-what little there is on his home computer, but all I saw was something asking friends he was staying with last weekend if one of their female friends was going to be there. I'm wondering if I should just ask him to leave the house since he seems to be planning on dating...or IS dating. He still won't talk about the R or talk about anything other than mundane topics with me. My mother is going to find out this week how bad her cancer is. I can't stop crying about all of this loss. I can't just sit here in the most depressed state in the country with still no job and nowhere to go and no $ and watch him galavant off every weekend to goddess knows where with whom without totally losing my mind.
Should I try to talk about the R, or totally drop the rope by saying that I need space while I deal with my mother? We have been staying in the same house, because any $ we spend will be less I get in the settlement. I thought I could wait this out, but there has been no progress....and his niceness seems to be coming from guilt-kind of an "I know I'm going to be off having fun this weekend, so here's a steak dinner!"
I haven't slept for 2 days, since my mom told me her diagnosis, and I'm just sick.
Any suggestions about what to do? He's gone this holiday weekend-I'm assuming until monday or so. Any advice is appreciated and desperately needed.
M 45 H 44 no kids-one great dog M 15 yr in Oct T 18 yr Bomb 6/10 "I can't be your husband any more"
Sorry you find yourself here, but you are in good hands. I know you are upset right now, but you should calm down.
Wait for the vets to get here, they'll give you some good advice.
In the meantime, you haven't slept for 2 days. That is bad. If you can, have a glass of wine and a couple of advil. Calm yourself down, don't contact him tonight, and I'm sure your thread will have plenty of replies tomorrow.
As I say to my S4, "Walk it off"
----"Et tu, Brute?"---- me:28 W:24 S4 T:6 M:4 EA Exposed: 5/21/10 Bomb: 6/20/10 (Father's Day) NC w/ OM: 7/10/10 W moved out 8/21/10 http://bit.ly/aOrZne - My sitch
Wow. I read this and thought, "These two have really battered each other." That was my first thought.
Can I ask: Why do you want to stay married to him? Is it the security? The old memories? Or do you really love him? What does love mean to you?
Times are tough. I sympathize with you. I can feel the pain from your writings. But I think you need to separate the issues. Your mother may need you right now. You need you right now.
It sounds like you both agreed to end the marriage and you are moving out. Did I miss that?
As for you - sleep. Take care of you first. Kind of like the oxygen mask on an airplane - take care of you first before you start looking to do anything else.
Put your mind at rest and get some sleep. Things will look very different after you do that.
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
John28-thanks for the advice. I tried the wine already....I think that's what gave this shy gal the courage to finally post. My IC told me that it takes courage for some people to reach out and ask for help. Big 180 for me-I always try to fix things myself.
AJM-I think part of my reason for wanting to at least try with H is that I really didn't realize how hurtful I had been to him until he dropped the bomb. My EA was facilitated in part by a hormonal surge at the beginning of perimenopause. I didn't face up to how much I had changed for the worse and how depressed I had become until he wasn't around for me to blame for everything. I know there is a lot of love there. We were best friends up until the bomb. At that time I was pretty miserable too, and agreed with him-I didn't know what else to do. But once I took a long hard look at the situation and owned up to myself that I had been just as responsible I realized that I didn't want to give up.
M 45 H 44 no kids-one great dog M 15 yr in Oct T 18 yr Bomb 6/10 "I can't be your husband any more"
Those are the only two things I've seen work. If #1 turns up nothing, then proceed to #2b. And in the meantime, GAL your ass off, and become the better option. Best case, you'll attract them back, and at a minimum you'll become a better person that will be more attractive to SOMEBODY in your next relationship.
P.S. I used both but 2b did the trick.
Last edited by pearlharbr; 09/03/1004:46 AM.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
Well, I got a good night of sleep, and everything still looks the same to me this morning.
There isn't anything I can do about my mother until next week when she sees the oncologist. I am prepared to do whatever she needs help with to get through this.
I had been following the LRT. No calls, no texts, busy with GAL and 180s, IC. My confusion stems from the fact that we had very few R talks immediately following the bomb. At the time, I agreed that we were both unhappy and that if he wasn't willing to go to MC or work on M then there was nothing I could do. I have never told him that I don't want to get a D, or that I have now seen that I made a lot of mistakes and am sorry for my part in our failing and SSM. So it seems to me that letting him go further or asking him to leave is just further agreeing that there is no hope. I wanted to tell him how I felt, but was trying to follow LRT of no R talks.
He doesn't know about my mother yet, I'm not sure if his mother will tell him when he goes to see her this weekend. I just don't know what to do.
M 45 H 44 no kids-one great dog M 15 yr in Oct T 18 yr Bomb 6/10 "I can't be your husband any more"
So it seems to me that letting him go further or asking him to leave is just further agreeing that there is no hope. I wanted to tell him how I felt, but was trying to follow LRT of no R talks.
That is good, Oxy. That shows you are learning to use your HEAD in this process, and not your EMOTIONS.
Smart DBing.
For the record, your fear expressed above is probably the #1 fear that newcomers to DBing express: "If I go dim/dark/LRT, won't that just push him/her further away?" It's understandable; this stuff is very counter-intuitive. But what it ACTUALLY shows him is "I love you (he knows that part already, trust me), and this is not what I wanted, but I'll be okay either way, and I value myself to not continue to put up with your crap behavior."
Which is -- bonus! -- simultaneously healthy for YOU, AND attractive to HIM.
Thanks Puppy. As you know, any encouragement is much appreciated during this time, and I do realize that it's better to seek it here than from H.
So even though I have never stated that I do not want a D, it is still best to remain dark and not say it at all?
I can't do any A busting since I have no access to his phone or laptop. He is on the computer all day at work. I have gotten small hints that he is seeking other women to move on to if he hasn't already, and that goes against one of the agreements we made when we decided to both stay in the house until D. I want to focus on the situation with my mother and focus on myself, but the hints that he's out dating are causing me to obsess. I'm thinking of asking him to leave the house for a week or 2 so I can focus, but I'm not exactly sure how to say it without it sounding like I am totally done with M since I never said I didn't want a D.
I am trying hard to stick with the methods, but like others have stated-it's hard to see your own M objectively, so feedback is very helpful. And I know I screwed up a lot in the very beginning before I found this site and read the books.
M 45 H 44 no kids-one great dog M 15 yr in Oct T 18 yr Bomb 6/10 "I can't be your husband any more"
I delibertly have not brought up R, M, or D with my W since she left because that is pushing. Give your H space and time and focus on yourself first! I am finally sticky with Dbing even though I have had a few trip ups.
The difficult part is that I cannot see on the other side of the wall. I have read many WAW posts to gain their perspective as well as read many of the vets threads to understand their thinking process...and believe me they had a few trip ups as well, but they learned from their mistakes and adjusted.
This site has been a god send to me for the learning opportunities that it possess. I made my mess and it will take me first to correct it if possible. Give your H space and time and don't push.....
Thanks Puppy. As you know, any encouragement is much appreciated during this time, and I do realize that it's better to seek it here than from H.
So even though I have never stated that I do not want a D, it is still best to remain dark and not say it at all?
I can't do any A busting since I have no access to his phone or laptop. He is on the computer all day at work. I have gotten small hints that he is seeking other women to move on to if he hasn't already, and that goes against one of the agreements we made when we decided to both stay in the house until D. I want to focus on the situation with my mother and focus on myself, but the hints that he's out dating are causing me to obsess. I'm thinking of asking him to leave the house for a week or 2 so I can focus, but I'm not exactly sure how to say it without it sounding like I am totally done with M since I never said I didn't want a D.
I am trying hard to stick with the methods, but like others have stated-it's hard to see your own M objectively, so feedback is very helpful. And I know I screwed up a lot in the very beginning before I found this site and read the books.
