not sure how to deal

[norstar]

background

me and the W had problems when we lived in LA. Lots of stress and dealing with the birth of our two DD and my oldest DD from my first marriage.Lots of changes in short time. I then get orders to be stationed in Germany. We both thought it would be so great. getting away from ex and having great chances of seeing Europe. I lost the relocation application. So my oldest couldn't come with us. We get here and stresses just followed and new ones formed.

May 09 the W went to mothers house knowing I was about to ship out. I talked to her on the phone and we had a blow out. We normally don't have blow out fights. we usually talk things out. She said I blow her off and didn't spend time with the kids or help around the house. She also said she had dealt with PPD after our youngest was born, as well as being diagnosted with RA and she really needed my help but I blew her off.

She worked part time and picked the kids up from daycare and would help oldest out with homework when we had her. I worked at least 10 to 14 hr shifts. Changing between days, nights and the mid night shift. Sometimes in the same week. Plus I was always fighting with ex about my oldest. My W said she understood but it was no excuse to blow her off and not spend time with the kids.

After awhile of talking I thought we had settled things. I told her that I would change. I then deployed and we talked through e-mail and once a week by phone. She was real vague and would not say much on the phone or e-mail. I got tired of not knowing what was going on. I thought we settled our problems but I was wrong. I got an e-mail stating the same things we talked about before I left and she added she wanted out. I talked her into MC when I got back. She went back to Germany and my mom visited while I was gone. My mom can be a hand full.

E-mails and phone calls stayed the same while I was deployed. I even noticed that a friend of her's on FB (who was on my friend list as well) started making inappropriated comments not only on my wall but her's as well. I talked to her about it and she said he posted it by accident, he was drunk. He deleted himself from my FB and stayed on her's. I saw photos of her taged on FB not wearing her rings. I kept that to myself, because I know it would not do any good talking about it while deployed. I wanted to discuss our relationship over the phone but she "didn't want to hash it out over the phone." I was told just before going home that I was on suicide watch by the people I worked with. I did not realalize I was that bad.

I get back rings are on and we go on a trip. I asked her about her past relationships, hoping to understand why she acts the way she acts. We had a good trip and started MC. Things were good for awhile. Comments kept happening from her friend. I kept telling her I didn't like them and she kept defending him and saying I am over reacting. Two days after Christmas W gets in a really bad accident. She is afraid to drive in the snow (understandible). She shuts down. Talks are fights and tit for tat. She tells MC she wants to work things out and she wants a relationship of Respect and Trust. But, her actions got strange. I find out she is pregnant. I talk to her about it and she says she want an abortion. I beg her to go to the doc and find out the risks before going through with the abortion. She was afraid being pregnant and having RA would kill her or the baby. She refuses the DR. visit and insists on abortion. I since put a keylogger on the computer to see what she is saying to others.

She takes a trip back to her mom's. I see e-mails to FB friend and another girl friend on a message board. The message board friend tells her to leave me and get the abortion. W says she has an appointment for abortion, but said nothing about leaving. She e-mails FB friend inviting him out for beers. I get a call and she says it is done. I tell her I will call her back and I lose it, crying no body control. I see an e-mail to message board friend, "It's done and all is well in the world." I talk to a day after the abortion. I ask her if she is ok. She says she is fine. She is going out with old girlfriend for her birthday. I ask who was all going and she said no one.

She comes back and things are up and down for a while. I keep seeing e-mails between FB friend and W. One they were talking about the night they were hanging out and got drunk. I had it and confronted her. She admited that they dated years ago four about a year and she left him because he was a violent drunk. She said she would change and she was sorry. Things were cloud 9 for about a week and we had a busy summer. Trips, oldest daughters summer visit. She deleted him off her facebook and told me he sent a message asking why. She said she did not reply. We are still going to MC, but I am not sure how to deal with this, I feel she is still doing things behind my back, but she somehow took the keylogger off and I promised not to put it back on. By the way we are lucky to go to MC once a month so we have not had a chance to discuss the affair yet. I am not sure how to deal with this, anytime a girlfriend cheated on me she would break it off before I found out. This is the first time I caught someone cheating.I don't want a divorce and I can't stop thinking she is still lying to me.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Link to Norstar's original Newcomers thread:


norstar's previous thread


Please be helpful -- I told him he'd get great advice here, so don't let me down!! LOL


Puppy

[norstar]

Just an update I rearmed myself. I guess in the mean time I am going to see if we can work things out.

[Vulcanized]

Hi Norstar,

I read your other thread.

I am confused. Your W was pg? Was it your baby?

I think you need to shut down her A. That seems to be the biggest hurdle that you are facing right now.

Why do you think you can work things out? Has your W said that she is willing to R your M?

[norstar]

My wife got an abortion, while visiting her mom. We talked about the abortion, but I did not want it unless it was necassary. So I wanted to go see a Dr. to see how risky the pregnancy would be, but she would not go. I have no doubts it was mine.

I am hoping the A is shut down. I am taking messures to confirm it is shut down. My W seems sorry for the A and we are going to MC. I am not sure it will work out, but I have to try for my kids sake. I also still love her.