I’ve been divorce busting for 3 months and my H has suddenly had a change of heart and is willing to work on our marriage. Up until now he has been very focused on the mentality of “it’s too late”. He emotionally abandoned me for the past three months and had an EA & PA.
I have been concentrating on working on myself and the goal of him becoming invested in our marriage again. While it’s great news that he wants to try working on our problems, I am very hesitant about trusting him again.
He was all set to move out, then started waffling and wondering if it was the right thing to do. Since he already paid for a months rent, I encouraged him to be on his own for a while. It’s been one week and he is already talking about wanting to come back.
We both agree we have a lot of work to do to get back on track, and I am happy to see some hope, but I want to make sure he is coming home for the right reasons, not just because he is uncomfortable.
Could use some help figuring out where to go from here.
Is your husband willing to send a "no-contact" letter to OW, and become fully transparent with you? Are you familiar with these concepts?
In over six years here, studying literally thousands of affairs, I've learned that their recidivism rate is EXTREMELY high if you don't:
- agree to no-contact, including sending a letter to OM/OW
- agree to full transparency, including changing phone #s, e-mail accounts, etc., and with your betrayed spouse having FULL ACCESS to the new ones, and to your cellphone
- immediately get into good MC or FT with a counselor well-trained in INFIDELITY
I would also strongly encourage you to get a full-panel STD test if you've had unprotected sex with your husband during the past six months, and to let him know that a condition of him resuming a sexual relationship with you is that HE get one, and that he show you a copy of the results. This should then be repeated six months later.
I'm happy for your encouraging news. This is your moment of maximum leverage and opportunity -- please handle it with care!
Will he agree to no contact with OW? Probably not yet. Luckily she is now living in another country so the PA has stopped, but he still says she is "his friend" and does communicate with her. I am willing to set the boundary of "no contact with her while he is in my presence or in our home", but I don't believe he will agree to complete no contact yet. Eventually, that is what I want though.
Will he agree to full transparency? Maybe. He has said he will no longer hide things from me and will be truthful with me.
Get into MC: We are both doing IC and he has said he would like to do MC.
STD test: I have done this myself and am clear. Of course, I will not have unprotected sex with him until he has done the same.
It has taken a lot on my part to get to this point, and I really don't want to take a step backwards, so am treading very carefully at this point.
M: 36 H: 37 Married: 13 years Together: 17 years No kids Bomb Dropped: 6/10 (MLC, OW, ILYBNILWY) He Moved Out: 8/10
pinhead, you've given me a lot to think about. I've been concentrating so hard to get to this place, I hadn't really thought about the next step. Thank you for helping me see what direction I should be thinking about now.
M: 36 H: 37 Married: 13 years Together: 17 years No kids Bomb Dropped: 6/10 (MLC, OW, ILYBNILWY) He Moved Out: 8/10
I've been concentrating so hard to get to this place, I hadn't really thought about the next step.
Yep, like the dog who finally catches a squirrel.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Will he agree to no contact with OW? Probably not yet. Luckily she is now living in another country so the PA has stopped, but he still says she is "his friend" and does communicate with her. I am willing to set the boundary of "no contact with her while he is in my presence or in our home", but I don't believe he will agree to complete no contact yet. Eventually, that is what I want though.
Will he agree to full transparency? Maybe. He has said he will no longer hide things from me and will be truthful with me.
Get into MC: We are both doing IC and he has said he would like to do MC.
STD test: I have done this myself and am clear. Of course, I will not have unprotected sex with him until he has done the same.
It has taken a lot on my part to get to this point, and I really don't want to take a step backwards, so am treading very carefully at this point.
LWTG,
Since he is the one saying he wants to work on things, it's up to you to tell him the short-list of items (boundaries) that YOU need in order to do so. That list of "dealbreakers" is intensely personal, and slightly different for each one of us, but YOU have to decide what it is you need in order to feel safe again in the marriage.
I will tell you, however, that hard withdrawal from an affair takes a few weeks, and TOTAL withdrawal can take 6-18 months, on average. Without no contact, every time he talks to her or e-mails or texts with her, he's going to set that withdrawal "clock" back to 0:00:00, and you're going to have to start all over.
Again, a good family therapist (FT) who specializes in infidelity can help you with all of this, and verify what I'm saying.
Puppy, I think it will be a long time until I am able to feel safe in our marriage again, but I will think about what I need in order for that to happen.
I understand what you are saying about withdrawl and no contact. I believe if I pushed that issue right now, he would choose his "friend" over our marriage. This turnaround on his part is fairly new (only about 2 weeks now) and somewhat half-hearted in my opinion. Two weeks ago I found divorce papers waiting to be filled out and now he is "confused" and wondering if he was making the right decision.
M: 36 H: 37 Married: 13 years Together: 17 years No kids Bomb Dropped: 6/10 (MLC, OW, ILYBNILWY) He Moved Out: 8/10
Not to be harsh, but my now-ex went to a lawyer ONCE, and found out how much money this divorce was going to cost him. A short time later, he wanted back in the home and into the marriage? Coincidence? Possibly, possibly not. Would explain the half-heartedness.
I am glad he is expressing interest in coming back. I just want to say from experience, don't do what I did. Mine came back twice (or tried to anyway) but was very half-hearted, insisted he could continue a 'friendship' with the ow. I was like you, afraid to draw the line at full no-contact. Afraid he wouldn't do it. Well, that's because he wouldn't! And he left a few months after coming back, and while he was home it never felt like he was really 'home', if that makes sense.
I think Puppy's points are valid, I believe you have the most power in 'bargaining', if you will, when they say they want to come back but you haven't yet let them back in. Because it is difficult if not impossible to draw and enforce new boundary lines once you already let them back into your home and into your life without them.
