Thank you soleil. I did apologize the day that she left. I told her that if I could take back June 2008 that I would. But I am sure that it fell on deaf ears at the time. I thought about writing her a letter with a true apology and mailing it to her work. And I will stop spying and totally disconnect and wait for her to contact me...though it will be difficult.
To the vets out there I am listening and heeding your advice. I will send my W a letter apologizing for the EA and the hurt that it caused her. I attched the letter and would appreciate your critique since I get a little wordy and overly dramatic.
Dear W,
Your deafening silence is apparent that I deeply hurt you with my relationship with OW. I was blinded by the fact that I shattered your world by breaking your heart and losing your trust in me and in us. Instead of mending our relationship and making it stronger I made the hurt worse by bringing up her name and allowing my self- doubt to control my emotions and behavior.
W, I apologize for hurting you and for shattering your world. There are no words that can take back the pain that I have caused you. W I value our marriage and our friendship and I am working towards a better me so that I can better value and nurture my relationships.
To the vets out there I am listening and heeding your advice. I will send my W a letter apologizing for the EA and the hurt that it caused her. I attched the letter and would appreciate your critique since I get a little wordy and overly dramatic.
H- I know nothing about affairs as they relate to DB, but I see no one else has replied, so I'll give you a few comments.
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Dear W,
Your deafening silence is apparent that I wanted to apologize for hurting you so deeply by having this EA. deeply hurt you with my relationship with OW. I was blinded by the fact that I shattered your world by breakingI know that I broke your heart and losing your caused you to lose trust in me and in us. Instead of mending our relationship and making it stronger I made the hurt worse by bringing up her name and allowing my self- doubt to control my emotions and behavior. I wanted to alleviate my guilt by telling you the details, but I wasn't thinking of your feelings, and I apologize for that, too.
W, I apologize for hurting you and for shattering your world. There are no words that can take back the pain that I have caused you. W I value our marriage and our friendship and I am working towards a better me so that I can better value and nurture my relationships.what I truly want is for you to be happy and not hurt anymore, so I'm letting you go.
ME
Now, please don't send this to her without some affair vets weighing in- I have no idea if this is the right thing to say or not.
In other suggested apologies for hurts (e.g., Step8/9's in 12-step programs), they sometimes suggest a statement indicating that you are open to answering any questions they may have.
As part of the statement of full responsibility, it is also may be appropriate to include the admission that IT WAS WRONG OF ME TO....and YOU DID NOT DESERVE THIS.
The step 9 part (which you are alluding to in your last sentence), is to offer or make amends. This is a tricky one with respect to DB because amends could be perceived as pursuit. On the other hand, amends also indicate tangible changes you are making (or are offering) and sometimes can help forgiveness. Your current amend (if you retain an amend) is too general ("working towards a better me").
My understanding is that they need to be hard-core concrete amends. (e.g., I have had NC with the OW or anyone/anything associated with the OW since ###, I have read books about infidelity to understand better the pain I have caused you and to gain insight into my own behavior in order that this will not happen again, I have begun seen an IC beginning, if they are circumstances or people you ran in that led to the affair and you have disassociated yourself from that environment, I will be transparent with my phone, computer, etc. use, etc.). The tricky thing about amends are: 1) are they pursuit?, and 2) do they just upset the person u are apologizing to more if they are not ready for that yet?. Others will weigh in, but you may be in best position to judge where your W is at presently with this. It's possible to offer the amends later if you think she might initiate contact with the apology.
Last edited by bustorama; 08/30/1005:05 AM.
Me-53 W-49 D22,D18,D15 T-Since-12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010 Piecing start-04/2011 Now-together Thread http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2079304
Thank you for reading my letter and making the suggestions. I did edit in your recommendations and sent the note via email, which is the only form of reliable communication that I have with her. I have let her go and working with an IC focusing on becoming a better me. I am not sure what I should do next other than GAL, exercising and working on my self esteem issues. From what I understand being in the dark means waiting for you W to make the first contact...at the rate that she has been communicating it may be a while.
I am now starting on my eighth week without communication from my wife. I wrote a letter of apology today that included letting her go and emailed it to her. I have been working on my issues that caused the split (affair and controlling issues) and plan to do LRT since I have emailed her a few times.
I knew the EA affected her when it happened, but it never came up when we had arguments. I believe that there was no OM at the time she left because she dedicated all of her time the last 4 months studying for the NCLEX exam to get her RN. Plus we spent two weeks together on vacation. I believe she left when she felt secure with her nursing career and had $$ in the bank.
I am not sure if there is OM now because of the lack of contact. I would like to know what my WAW is thinking? I was told by the IC that she is afraid to talk with me because she is afraid of coming back for all of the wrong reasons. This statement came form the same IC that she was seeing , so I am not sure if the IC was speaking based on pure knowledge or theory.
I will give LRT a few weeks (3 to 4 months of total separation) then I will probably have to file for divorce. At least that will get her to speak with me. I would really like to understand her thought process at this time.
I need advice from the vets and the WAW's out there. I know there is a large age desparity between my wife and I me 49, W 28, but it was never a factor between the two of us. My W has not communicated with me since July 4th, except one "Thank you" email. Am I beating a dead horse or should I continue dbing. I plan to work on myself to rid the demons that jeopardized this relationship.
But what am I to think about what my wife is thinking....is keeping silent because she wants to hurt me for the affair, is she trying to forget about me, is she confused and does not want to speak with me until she knows what she wants, is she afraid of me? I know most will say all of the above. I have not filed anything and she has not indicated to me what she wants.
The days leading up to when she left we were like a newly wed couple. She was even ironing my shirts after she told me that she was leaving (guilt I guess). The silence is killing me. Am I wasting my time and should totally let go?
I know there is a large age desparity between my wife and I me 49, W 28, but it was never a factor between the two of us
Sure it is.
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I plan to work on myself to rid the demons that jeopardized this relationship.
Goodness.
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But what am I to think about what my wife is thinking....
It's wasted energy to keep going over it. You hit the possible scenarios, what does your intel reveal?
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The days leading up to when she left we were like a newly wed couple.
She was trying to see if she could get the "feeling" back.
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She was even ironing my shirts after she told me that she was leaving
Mothering you.
Do you have any contact?
Any legal action yet?
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
