Aww, (((Dagny))). I'm sorry, I know how exhausted you must feel. I feel like I could sleep the day away, if only I could. I find myself withdrawing as well, but luckily I have very true friends who pull me right back out of my shell and remind me that it can't be like that forever. It's tough, very, especially when all of your H's anger is directed at you. You can weather this, I agree with Jeff and Mishka, let him stew, let him see and realize these consequences.
Me: 24 H: 26 2 SS: 7 & 5; D: 3 H filed D papers: 8/2/10 OW discovered: 08/10 D papers counter-filed: 10/2/10 There is no method to my madness
Hi guys, I think I'm doing much better with the not talking to him. If he calls and the kids aren't home, I won't answer it. If it is something that needs an answer, I eventually email him. He asked to speak to me yesterday about a home repair and I only answered the question and got off the phone.
If he is going to accuse me of making up stories about what the kids say I will not share, he can talk to the kids if he wants to learn about them and their thoughts.
He comes over tonight to watch the kids while I go to divorcecare. I plan to say hello, what time I will be home and then leave. I do not want to engage in any conversation with him.
On Sunday I leave for 2 weeks in PA, one week on my own and then a week with the kids. I need to pick up the phone and set up a L appointment and after that start making plans. I'm not sure about DBing from 12 hours away, but his time with the kids is minimal anyway, so he can have the inconvenience of traveling to see them, instead of me having to drive 12 hours every month to go to work.
Him now hiding money scares me, I don't know what he will do to try and make my life more difficult. I'm guessing they are waiting for OW to get another job (he is her manager) and then he will file for D, I'm sure they don't want me kicking up a storm before they have their butt's covered.
I'm debating if I move my paycheck to a new account or if I keep everything above board and don't stoop to his antics. He has removed me from credit cards, but I haven't removed him from the one he left me (my theory is then it is all still joint debt).
I'm really not prepared for this, I'm horrible at confrontations, but I need to get my head out of the sand and start being more proactive.
Dagny
Me 48, H49, M24, S14, S11 DB #1 4/2002-8/2003 Bomb #2 August 2010 & he moved out Living with OW
You don't need to confront, only protect. You are doing a marvelous job so far!
He is hiding money....why should he still have any access to the account where your money is being deposited? Are you benefitting in any way from his income or has he changed where it is being deposited? If he has, then so should you.
Don't bother making a stink about OW and their working together. In the long run that could come back to bite you in the a$$ if he gets reprimanded for it by his bosses. Trust me.....been there, done that!
IMO, you need to get some sort of legal injunction (no idea if that is what it would be called or not) to stop him from hiding marital funds or removing marital assets. You can have all of the frozen, but I'm no L so you need to get one to cover your butt...ASAP.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Right now H is paying all the bills associated with everything but the PA condo, I pay them from a small joint checking account. He is still paying the mortgage and credit card bills and his apartment bills. I'm curious if I don't say anything if he will keep paying my credit card bills, I'm planning to get new tires for the car and put them on "my" credit card. Since I know the amount of his paycheck, I know what is going to the secret account. But I do need L advice, I will make that phone call tomorrow to set it up. And then the 2nd half of October I must start acting on the advice I receive.
Maybe confrontation is not the right word, but whenever I defend myself, he gets angry and lashes out at me. I need to get stronger to survive those lashes. Avoiding talking to him helps me break that cycle. I learned my lesson with telling him what I learned in regards to divorce laws last time, so I will keep quiet. I also need to stop making references to OW as that causes him to defend her and lash out at me.
The boys are starting to say when we more back to PA, as many times as they are saying IF, so I think they are coming to terms with that possibility.
The strength that is needed to navigate these waters is incredible. I think it is time I start setting my GAL goals, I've had 6 weeks of moping, time to get on with it!
Dagny
Me 48, H49, M24, S14, S11 DB #1 4/2002-8/2003 Bomb #2 August 2010 & he moved out Living with OW
It sounds so horrible, what you and your sons are going through.I can identify with the sick feeling you get from confrontations with the man you loived and trusted who has become a mean-minded, selfish, angry so-and-so. There have been times when I too have wondered if I wasn't having a nightmare, I had been used to loving and understanding a man who suddenly turned around and started to tear me limb from limb. My H also seems to be oblivious to the hurt he's inflicting on his children, and they're in awe of him so they don't show it in front of him. When I've tried to tell him about the bad dreams, tantrums, broken nights and tears, he thinks I'm trying to make him feel guilty.
My H did say to me, shortly before turning against me and deciding to separate, and after he'd told about his PA with the OW, that it (the A) was like a "drug", that he couldn't seem to get her/it out of his system. Your H is under the influence of a sort of "mind-altering substance", he's not in control of himself. My H has left, but it would appear that the A is over, or on the rocks. With hindsight, I realize it's been dead in the water since the end of the summer. He's still "not my husband", but is much less angry and unreasonable, although very much on the defensive at times. She's still in his circle of pals, they "run in" to each other (she never kept to the no-contact rule they "made" when he "ended" the A back in April), but kids say they've met her when he was with them and he tried to cut her dead, was unpleasant to her. All this to say that while he was in the A, he was horrible to me, rejecting and critical. He's more like the old self since it's cooled. It really is a drug.
You really should keep on not talking to him at all. That way, he can't get angry at you (only at her, who knows?or even at himself) and you get time to heal. I hate the fact that he's not here, but seeing/talking to him a bare minimum has given me back my sanity. Someone told you to do things by e-mail, and that's for the best. When my H comes here, I try to be dust on the road, and have generally just gone. He doesn't like that, but tough.It means he calls me -and leaves a message, 9 times out of ten. He's recently left a message on the answering machine AND sent a text to tell me his new landline number. Wants me to phone? He'll be waiting, I'm afraid.
You're right about not mentioning the OW.He will defend her and it'll hurt you. I've so often wanted to say what I thought of the floozy who ate dinner in this house with me and my children while systematically wrecking our family. I've so wanted to call her every name in the book, but have managed not to say a word. My 13 year old daughter, though, wasn't so controlled this Summer, and told her Dad what she thought of that woman, using language I think he didn't know she had in her vocabulary. What did he do? Flew into a rage against his daughter and said she was not objective (!) and full of prejudice. He thus defended your woman instead of trying to heal things with his daughter, and now they don't speak and hardly see each other. The affair is deadly poisonous to wife and family, I'm afraid. So just keep far away from him, for yourself.
I can't help much at all, I'm in Limbo myself. But getting out (shopping -if he leaves you any funds!- doing something cultural or physical) helps. I moped all Summer, now I try to fill up my non-work time with things. Not easy with kids, but they like to see me being pro-active and not too sad. I had to force myself at first, now it's easier, and I even find I have short moments of happiness -seeing the sun rise, having a laugh with colleagues, listening to Sam Cooke, baking a cake. You just have to try to grasp at those few seconds of contentment, concentrate on accumulating a few of them every day, taking a mental note of them. That lifts the mood, even if it can fall again from time to time. Take care, NCU
Me: 46 H:42 Together for 18 yrs, married 14. 3 children: 2 girls 13 and 10, one boy 7. Husband had affair, ended it and then decided on separation. Separated 08/2010
