Newbie, separated and looking for support (long),

[Sky's Wife]

Hi all,

I am new to the board, but the DB concept is not totally new to me. I learned about it the first time 10 years ago, when I found myself fighthing with a similar situation as today, but even worse, as then there were a confirmed depression and an OW in the picture. Seems there is no OW this time, but many of his feelings description he told me then, I heard again now. English is not my mother tongue, but I hope I write clear and readable.


So here is my present sitch: we are both 47, college sweethearts, together 27 years, married 23, with one DD, 22. On 07/27/10 my H told me he wants a divorce. A day earlier I went to my hometown to visit my uncle's family with my DD, and when I came back next day he was not at home. I texted him to ask where he is and he replied he is at the dropzone (he flies gliders and skydives, a hobby), will go to his mother's later and come home tomorrow. Then we have to talk seriously, he said. I called him and insisted that we talk immediately and he finally agreed to meet me in my office in half an hour.

Then he told me he wants a divorce and "please lets finish this amicably and ASAP". Said he can't be with me any more, can't stay in our house any more, feels suffocated and have an urge to run away. Its ok when he is alone or with DD, but if we're alone than he feels he wants out. He also told me he starts to feel depressed again, dark thoughts about suicide started to creep his mind again, and he found himself thinking about what would happen if i.e. my airplane crash and he finds himself alone with DD….". He said I don't love you as a woman any more, but I love you as a friend, as mother of my child, I respect you and highly admire you for your strenght and courage to leave a secure public job to run your own company." When I aske when did you recognise that you don't love me any more, he said don't know, maybe six months ago, but at first I didn't want to admit it to myself. He said there is nobody else in the picture, he is just miserable and can't be with me any more.

What could I do? I told him I will agree on divorce if this is what he really wants, but I asked him to first look for some professional help for himself (having depression issues in mind), to recognise/identify his problems and address them, to define his goals and priorities in life and be clear what he really wants for himself , and then, if he still wanted a divorce, I will sign. He agreed, imeediately, and said yes, I will, I owe you that, at least that. We agreed he will not proceed with filing or any other action to divorce for now, till he comes to conslusions and then we will talk "with cold heads".

So where we are today? He didn't come home after this conversation, stayed at his mom, and didn't move out his stuff either – just took his laptop and one bag of summer clothes, some underware, few pieces for cold weather and some sport clothes + sneakers. Majority of his possessions, all his hobby stuff, and at least half of his wardrobe is still here at home. The word divorce has not been mentioned since then between us, but we didn't speak a lot in last 19 days since he moved out – only the next day when I came to his place, the day after when he came to pick his clothes and then nothing from 08/02/10 till yesterday.

I am in limbo now. On one hand he seems sure in his decision and as if he is detaching from us and proceeding to set up his single life – i.e. bought a cable and Internet for mom's apartment, refunded me his share of cell phone bill (his cell is in my company's VPN), offered to participate in our house utility costs (and paid bills he usually paid before). On the other hand, whenever he sees me or talk to me he cries and sound very sad, tells me he is not well but he tries to be, and just lives day by day. Tells me he cares deeply about me and DD and can't be at peace if we miss anything, he offers to do things for us, anything we need.
Yesterday when we spoke he told me about his medical lab test results (had some infection and went to check it up), asked me about my ultrasound results and generally we chatted a bit about whats happening in our lives. The conversation was not focused on us but on health, whats up at home etc. He cried a bit and sounded very sad, and I slipped too and said I don't miss anything, just miss you here.

I just don't know what to do, I love him dearly, and would turn the world upside down for us. I don't want to lose him and our family, I don't believe he doesn't love me any more, because I've seen so many expressions of love from him just recently, just days before he left.

I try to keep myself going on, but honestly, I am at such a low point now that I barely function. Is there a hope? He already moved out once, 10 years ago, and returned back after 6 months. Is there a hope this time?

Thank you all for reading and bearing with me, I so much need a support now.


Sky's Wife

[Generosity]

Hi Sky,

Just a quick response so you know you are being read. The weekends are also a little slow around here.

After reading your story, my first question would be why you believe that there is no OW this time. Perhaps there is something leading you to that statement, I do have to say though, that it's the same script I heard, as well as many on here.

If there is infidelity involved, there are differences in what actions are best suited for you, and you know what you're really dealing with.

I don't believe either that he doesn't love you, that's why it's important to get the most information you can at the get go.
<<"please lets finish this amicably and ASAP".

This sends red flags, as well as some other statements that look like guilt is involved.

Stay Strong...there is hope!!

Sunny

[irishblessings]

Hi Sky -

I am so sorry for your situation - your dynamics appear to be very close to mine / same age, time married/together. Some of it sounds like mid-life crisis. You might find some good information on those threads.

Take care of yourself first - it won't be a quick fix.

Irish

[Sky's Wife]

Thanks for reply Generosity, I was anxiously waiting for any response. I feel sooo low these days.

I'm not absolutely sure there is no OW in the picture, but I tend to believe him, as this time I don't really see any of other infidelity signs. He was accountable for all his time, spent most of his non-working hours at home or at the dropzone repairing his glider, helped at home as usually, his spending didn't change. He was not protective of his cell phone, I didn't notice any change in habits like sudden interest in new things, buying new clothes, gym... nothing. On the contrary, his level of energy seemed to be lowered, and he was withdrawing.

I think I'm dealing here with mixture of MLC, actual real life problems and our marital problems. His depression problems doesn't help the situation either.

I will try to give more details in my next posts.

Hope seems to be so vague now, so fragile, but I'm not ready to give it up.

Sky's Wife

[Sky's Wife]

Hi Irish,
thank you too for reply.

Yes, I believe MLC plays a part, although not in a stereotypical way - no red sports car and obsessive exercising, no young girls around. He was never that kind of person anyway. His colleagues and people who don't know him well inside see him as very stable, calm, reasonable, intelligent, competent, skilled, solution-oriented and hard working. Which he is, definitely, and those are his qualities I highly appreciate, the qualities I love in him. Plus the fact that overall, he was a very good husband and excellent father. But he is introvert with some self-esteem issues, and not very good communicator when it comes to his personal/intimate life.

One of current problems that I see as playing a significant part in this mess is that he never graduated, but is only one exam shy of graduation (my country followed German education system, so first diploma in engineering, dipl. ing. M.E., which we both studied, is earned after 4,5 years, and is at MSc level). When we first spoke after he moved out he told me he feels as a second class person because of that failure, and he can't advance in his military career neither change his job, which he would like to, not happy at current one any more. At the same time he told me he admires me for having a courage to leave my secure public servant job in the middle of economic crisis and being 45, and start my own company, said he would'nt be able to do so. So I read some big MLC red flags in this - questioning his worthiness and direction in life... He now has an urge to take bull by the horn and graduate, to take care of himself (informed me about health checkups he did in this 20 days since move, told me about next steps with dentist, etc.).

I am sure that our marital problems play a big part too, but majority of them were mainly a withdrawal and lack of affection problems, that led to my dissatisfaction and withdrawal on times, even sleeping in other room for a while. But I always tried to communicate my dissatisfaction to him in very calm and non-judgmental manner, it was always just asking please tell me what is happening, what is the problem, what can I do, what do you need? I usually got reversed reply - but you alienate from me. This wasn't leading anywhere, just to more back and forth, few better days and few worse, a rollocoaster. I felt depleted, rejected, alone and had less and less energy and good will to change things and invest in us, but I never gave up. I wrote him e-mails, spilling my heart and soul, but answers I got were somewhat angry and always turned to me - if you feel lonely, I feel even more lonely. No amount of good will from my side reversed the situation.

I deeply believe that all of those issues can be solved, I believe in us, because we survived poor times (both unemployed), we survived war times at Balkans in early '90s, we survived a marital crisis in 2000-2001 when we had his severe depression and suicide attempt (ended up in menatl hospital for a month), OW in the picture and 6 months separation before he decided to return back to his family on his own free will.

I am very understanding, tolerant and patient person, but I am scared to death this time and very, very sad. I would highly appreciate any help I can get here.

Sky's Wife

[Bobby O]

Hello, I have a wife with MLC syndrome and I appreciate your pain. There are 2 thoughts that I have. The first is if your husband leaving the military has any bearing to why he maybe depressed or have low self esteem. The other is if he is aware of a new medical disorder he may not have shared with you. If he has been in combat he maybe having post traumatic stress disorder. I have a son in Iraq now who came home from mid tour leave and who I feel has PTSD. You can have stresses that may trigger PTSD even if you have been out of combat for years. He really needs a complete medical and pschiatric evaluation. If he agrees to this then at least you exclude some things that you can treat. I am an Internist and as a doctor I feel this needs to be excluded. I will tell you the road is long and bumpy but each day I pray things improve. I have found this site to be very helpful. Take care and God Bless. Bobby O

[Sky's Wife]

Hello Bobby O, thanks for your post. H is not leaving military, at least not yet, and he is not in a position that he has to leave now. Its just that he can't be promoted in higher rank any more before he graduates, not transfer to a more interesting job in the same industry. So he feels stuck in a way. He is a Cpt. now. Another concern is that, due to economic crisis, the government made significant cuts in funds also for the army and plans do carry out reforms that include significant staff cut, which may easily affect him personally.

As of PTSD, I don't know, but I don't think it is the issue now. It certainly played a role in our first marital crisis in 2000/2001, I know for sure, as it was stated in his hospital documentation.

True, he lost 16 pounds in last month, but I guess it is a consequence of all what is happening to us. He agreed to find a good IC, and seems he alerady took some steps towards contacting one. Unfortunately she is on holidays till beginning of September.

Thanks for your support, I read your story and will keep you in my prayers. Take care,

Sky's Wife

[Bobby O]

Thank you. I hope things work out. Bobby O