Thanks so much to everyone for stopping by. I really needed the visits. Saturday and (most of) Sunday really sucked. I want to first respond to a few things, then provide an update because some interesting things happened yesterday.
RJJ, thanks for the hug. I wish it was in person...could'a really used one.
Lisa and Abby, I think you are right about me expecting to forgive and get over this quickly. I guess I do just need to focus on getting through each day, concentrating on my kids and making sure that my needs are met.
Floyd, yesterday I REALLY had an FU attitude towards my W. It was all I could do to control it. I will send you a couple of pics that I just got. Your kids are beautiful and your W looks familiar to me for some reason...
LL, yes I can see you have gone through many of the same machinations that I have about thinking about what you two shared while all of this was going on. Oddly enough, I have almost blocked out much of last year...I don't remember too much. Isn't that wierd? In any case, I did not keep my feelings to myself yesterday. I calmly told my W a couple of things, which I will get to in my next post. BTW, thanks for the hug.
Hoping, I'm sorry to hear about the turn in your sitch. I'll stop by later.
PMA, haven't heard from you before, but thanks for the comedic relief...although I know you were not being entirely funny...
Dienne! I haven't heard from you in a while. Thanks for coming by. My sister is doing much better, thank you.
Quoting JJ:I know that this probably sounds like a bunch of crap, but it might be something to keep in mind, and to give a try sometime.
Let your actions guide your feelings. Don't let your feelings guide your actions.
JJ, I don't think what you said sounds like a bunch of crap! It kind of makes sense in the action-oriented environment we try and live in. I actually kind of did something nice for her. I vacuumed the house for her. I think it made her feel even worse! I've been trying to look at her with a spiritually-driven kindness, but I just can't do it all of the time. I will try your suggestion more often, however. Thanks for stopping by.
Let it out Buddy! I'll read it and listen. Hell, you call me if you need to vent, jroepel@ladpw.org, I'll get back to you through that line if you'd like. It must be the full moon. My W's playing with my mind bad too. Look at where you are and where you came from. You and your wife are touching! I went to put my hand to move her hair out of her face and she cringed away. You talk, you touch, you gaze, you share! It's just comming very slow and you are getting impacient. Their right this seems to be a crappy weekend for everyone. It will come just don't push and find an outlet for your frustraition! Jim
Well, my W ended up going to church with me yesterday. When I posted my rant, she called me from my sister's and didn't sound too motivated. During the phone call she asked if I was doing okay. Don't know if she could sense something in my tone of voice, but I did my damndest to try and avoid answering her. At the same moment she asked this, her friend came by (also attended party at my sister's) to pick up her boy whom spent the night. I simply said I needed to go and answer the door, but she wouldn't let it go and kept asking. She actually said, "but you were fine yesterday!" in an annoyed tone. This bugged because I'm just trying to save her from reliving her guilt all of the time and she gets pissed at me! I said I didn't want to talk about it, said bye and hung up.
She called back ten minutes later with friend here and asked what time the service was. I told her and she met me there.
Well, I've always said that whenever I go to church, there's a message for me. I'll tell you what, there was a very loud message yesterday. What was it, you ask? The topic was about "forgiveness." One of the two examples given for forgiveness was what, you ask? Infidelity. The pastor read some scripture from John that talked about stoning a woman for committing adultery. Basically, Christ said something like, "he who has never sinned can cast the first stone." Well, naturally, nobody stoned the woman. My W said to me, "it seemed like that message was meant just for us." I can't help thinking there was some divine intervention here...
So, I'm pretty quiet during service, not being Mr. Happy Jethro. When we get home, my W wants to know what's going on. So here's the quick conversation:
J: "I want to say something, but I don't want to get into it or anything. I don't think you are fully cognizant of the damage you have done to our R. I would appreciate you not getting frustrated with me on the phone (like she did in the morning), and be more understanding of how I might be feeling. The healing process has begun, but it's going to take a LONG time for me to heal. But this is my pain and not yours, and is something I have to deal with." W: "I'm sorry to put you through all of this."
That was it. I didn't want to discuss it, I was very calm and such. She got up while I sat in the chair just trying to get my head straight. I was in such a bad place yesterday. I decided I needed to get on with the day, so I hopped up and went upstairs to change to do some chores. I went downstairs and got the vacuum out (trying to engage my W's "acts of service" love language).
W: "Are you going to vacuum?" (duh!) J: "Yes."
She stood there staring, her eyes penetrating mine. She put her hands on my cheeks and tears welled up in her eyes. I said, "what?" She said nothing and hugged me for a couple of minutes. I spanked her butt and said, "I'll be alright," and I turned on the vacuum and she went for a run.
So, I don't know. She probably teared up because of her guilt and nothing much else. Given our patterns in the past few weeks I can expect her to be distant from me tonight. She always is after I "unload." We'll see how long this stint lasts. It's like she want to know that I'm okay and anytime I show anything differently, it sends her into a funk. I really don't want her gauging herself based on my pain, but I have no control over that, do I?
So, after that brief discussion, the rest of the day we were kind of distant with one another. I wanted both to smother her with hugs and love, but I was repelled at the same time. It's such an awful feeling. We snuggled a lot in bed throughout the night. I haven't talked to her today yet...so we'll see...
I think you are exactly right. Your pain is causing her a lot of pain too, but that is natural right? She will feel this pain too right?
I think it was good of you to say to her exactly what you did about it taking a lot of time and asking her to hang in there thru your ups and downs. Maybe she will understand next time you are feeling bad and will leave things alone. Hopefully!
Make today a good day Jethro!
FLoyd The grass is always GREENER over the septic tank.
Hope today is better than yesterday. It's good to be able to get some things out in the open, as one thing I have found with DBing is that a lot is kept in. Maybe I am doing it wrong? At least now W knows where you are and that you need the respect and space to deal with YOUR pain. Keep the communication flowing. JJ made a really good point - I am going to try some of that.
Just wanted to say that my sister called me a little bit ago and her tests came back NEGATIVE! YEA! Thanks so much to everyone for your prayers.
Jim (J-Ro), thanks much for the offer. Maybe we should get a So. CA DB group together just to burn off steam. I've been thinking about it lately.
Owen, I hope she does understand that I'm not some automaton that can heal in minutes from her year-long A. I think she sees my PMA up and thinks that I'll be fine. I really don't think she understands the depth of the pain she caused. That's why I wanted to make it clear to her, both the significance of the pain, and to not get pissy with me when I'm feeling down. BTW, check your e-mail...I sent you some pics.
Dienne, today is better than yesterday. I spoke to my W briefly on the phone and she didn't sound like she was in a funk. I can only hope that her mood will continue in that direction... Thanks for the hug...
Ok I want to see pictures. Floyd has everyone sending pictures. Where are they posted?
J - your doing good. I think she got tears b/c even though you were struggling you still loved her. She got your message. Was she distant today like you thought?
Wonderful news about your sister. Prayer works.Abby
I will send you a couple of pics that I just got. Your kids are beautiful and your W looks familiar to me for some reason...
I said I didn't want to talk about it, said bye and hung up.
At least now W knows where you are and that you need the respect and space to deal with YOUR pain. Keep the communication flowing. JJ made a really good point - I am going to try some of that.