Let the A go it's in the past. It hurts and every time you think about it it distracts you from healing with W. If you've truly forgiven her acknowledge that it has happend but by forging your saying that youve put it to rest. Stop going back to where you've buried it and kicking the dirt around.
You play Guitar! Me too!! about 25 years now, started when I was 10. I get alot of comfort peace out just jaming by myself.
Will pray for you sister. Survivors have a extra something that helps them overcome.
Glad to hear W is chewing on some of your books! If she's a bookworm like my W is she'll get to them soon enough. I would put the one you would like her to read really out in the open, Not on her pillow but always sort of under foot.
drop by things are getting weird on my end. Take care of yourself.
Thanks for coming by Owen, J-Ro, LL, and KAW. Some ramblings follow...bare with me...
Well, yesterday sucked! I didn't fall down on my DBing, but my W was in full-fledged alien mode. Ugh! It's so disheartening sometimes. When I get home from work, she's distant. She was upstairs putting makeup on my D and the neighbor girl (it was cute). I could just tell she was in the alien zone, so I greeted her, then pretty much left to go jam on the guitar for a bit.
I finish up on the guitar and the girls go downstairs with my S and the neighbor boy and watch Star Wars. I go into our bedroom and my W is getting ready to take a shower. She just has this pained look on her face. And you know what, I was feeling crummy myself, but I was still able to act like everything was okay...at least kind of. Anyway, I ask what's wrong and she keeps talking about stress. She's feeling stress. Then she asks me how I am and I say fine. I get one of those, "are you BSing me looks," but she didn't say anything. I don't think I was entirely too convincing.
Anyway, she gets in the shower and we're talking. She goes on to say that she misses going and singing...that it's an outlet. Well, there are pretty much two bars in the area she can go...one of which is where OM frequents. She typically goes with my younger sister, but she's helping my older sister recover from surgery. So, basically, my W has nobody to go with. So, she's moping about this and saying she misses getting out with the girls, etc. When the bomb dropped, my W told me that she would NOT go out nearly as much. Maybe a once a month girl's night, and never to the bar where the OM frequents.
She's in full alien mode and I'm trying to figure out what she's really telling me, or what the source of her discomfort is. It's like she's not even comfortable in her own skin. Is she missing OM? Is she feeling pressure? Is it truely that she wants to sing (doubt it)? So, I kind of go down the assumption path of thinking that she's feeling terribly guilty and needs something to distract her from the pain...albeit temporarily. I don't know if my assessment was correct, but I decided to go with it, as I could feel more sympathy for her this way.
Well, last night we were supposed to feed the kids first, then have a cozy dinner with the just the two of us. This has been something I've requested in the past, and she brought it up the other day to do it Thursday. Well, she didn't seem to be in a mood to have one-on-one, so I said, let's just all eat together. After dinner I did dishes and took the kids on a walk to give her space. She went upstairs to try and meditate. We get home and D is crying because she's just tired, it distracts W from meditating, she comes out of the cave and helps get the kids ready for (and in) bed.
We watch Friends (which I don't really care for very much anymore), and the show ends with one of the characters cheating on their S. Nice reminder and she says nothing. W gets on the phone and goes outside for some smokes and I go upstairs on the computer. I just wanted to give her space... An hour later we're both downstairs and are talking about this and that...nothing serious. Then she tells me that my mom has left her job (sister told her on the phone).
J: "Jeez...seems like there's been a lot of bad news lately." W: "I have some good news." J: "What's that?" (my first thought was that her STD tests came back negative ) W: "That you're making postive changes for yourself."
So, what does this mean? I'm assuming she noticed my efforts the last couple of days. I feel so much like the onus is on me to improve myself, then she'll come around. I don't want this kind of pressure. I want to be "me" sometimes, and not just DBing all of the time. I'm tired. I'm tired of being on my toes every time I have a conversation with her. I'm tired of acting like Mr. Upbeat all of the time. I want her to want me for who I am...now...not what I might become... I want a normal life...to come home to a W that loves me and kids that give me big hugs. I want talks of the future, planning vacations, what we're going to do when we retire, how we're going to remodel the house in a few years...
I'm tired...
This morning in bed, I woke up before the alarm went off. I lay there for a few minutes thinking, rustled a bit. She moved closer to me, rested her leg against mine then took my hand. It was so nice... I try not to think too much of these things because she's done this in the past. When I've asked her about it (given our sitch), she just says she does it because she feels "comfortable" with me.
Quoting jethro: She moved closer to me, rested her leg against mine then took my hand. It was so nice... I try not to think too much of these things because she's done this in the past. When I've asked her about it (given our sitch), she just says she does it because she feels "comfortable" with me.
I'm sorry this is wearing on you, but I see things like this as wonderfully positive. I know you want to be cautious in anticipation of the next "alien encounter", but be sure not to overlook the positives entirely. Please, take it from someone who has not experienced these little gestures in a long, long time. (I would be over the moon if this happened to me!) I am hoping my situation can be of benefit somewhere, if only to point out how good yours is by contrast!
Quote: ... she just says she does it because she feels "comfortable" with me.
This is how it was when my wife started her way back. Jethro, its a good thing she feels comfortable. Its her initial interpretation of her feelings of love. In time, she will learn to interpret them in other words too.
Quoting jethro: I'm tired...
I hear ya ... You're tired because you still are trying to steer the process to fit your expectations of what the M should be into the here and now. It takes a lot of mental energy to hold onto these expectations and handle the frustrations that come about because of it. Of coarse, you're tired!
Accept the present for what it is ... better than a year ago, but that your expectations are still down the road, so no sense thinking about them now. You don't need to forget about them, put them away until you know the M is better than it is today.
Accept and go with the flow. Let the current take you through the process rather than trying to steer your way through and you'll discover you can still get where you want to go with less effort and therefore won't feel so worn out.
Sorry to get so heavy with the metaphor, but hopefully it will help you relate.
Hang in there, Jethro, and you will reach the end of the forest and see Emerald City.
LL, RJJ, and KAW, I know you guys think I'm making progress, but I it is hard to see sometimes. In terms of my W cuddling in bed, it's always been this way...even during the most difficult times. Although, I will have to say the hand holding thing was a little different. Anyway, I'll try not to dwell on everything so much...and go with the flow KAW. I'm doing my best to detach. You guys know things are easier when our Ses are less alien because it's then we notice the progress. When they start going off the deep end is when it's most difficult. It's getting to the point that I just want to leave when she gets this way. I haven't felt that way before...
I really want your opinions on her focusing so much on my changes...like in our conversation last night. What do you guys think? Thanks...
Quote: In terms of my W cuddling in bed, it's always been this way
don't get stuck on this jethro...it's always been that way because perhaps things were never really as bad as she may have "said" they were. yes, I know an a is bad, but if the cuddling was always there means the "wall" never totally went up. appreciate it instead of resenting it.
Quote: I really want your opinions on her focusing so much on my changes...like in our conversation last night. What do you guys think?
what we think isn't really going to help you all that much..is just someone else reading into things or analyzing things for you.
there could be multiple reasons but remember... just as you are watching her (you are aren't you?) she is watching you. obviously whatever "changes" she's seeing in you she is seeing as possitive so keep up with them.
Quote: W: "That you're making postive changes for yourself ."
Quote: I feel so much like the onus is on me to improve myself, then she'll come around. I don't want this kind of pressure.
you are putting that pressure on yourself. she's got it right! the possitive changes you are making should be for yourself! if they are truly for yourself then the pressures of cause your doing it for you!
We all get tired and doubt ourselves - 'tis the roller coaster ride we are one.
You are making changes and she is admitting to seeing them. Wonderful! You need to take a break to recharge. Remember no pain no gain.
Willwin said something in his thread about reading some of his first post. It helped him realize how far he really has come. We all should remember to do this once in a while. I do think you will get rid of the alien and get your w back. Patience.
I will pray for you, your family and your sister.A
Nice reminder and she says nothing. W gets on the phone and goes outside for some smokes and I go upstairs on the computer. I just wanted to give her space... An hour later we're both downstairs and are talking about this and that...nothing serious. Then she tells me that my mom has left her job (sister told her on the phone). 
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