I'm finally going to post my sitch. I've been lurking here for months and I could use a few 2x4's to get me on track.
My husband and I have been together for 15+ yrs and we've been married almost 13 years. We have 5 children. My husband started making waves about our marriage about 4 years ago. He was having an emotional affair with his secretary. He sat me down and told me he was no longer attracted to me, I didn't satisfy him in the bedroom, I was self centered and I yelled at the kids too much. At first I was flabbergasted...couldn't believe what he was saying. I thought he was being a total jerk because I worked so hard to be a good wife and mother. I also thought one of the best part of our marriage was our sex life. I loved being with him and could not recall a single time I had ever denied him. I took a good hard look at myself and did lots of reading and soul searching. I went to church and I had an encounter with Jesus even though I wasn't a believer. I realized what he was saying was true and I set out to make some changes. I didn't know what a 180 was but I started doing them. In short, my husband and I went on to have the best three years of our marriage.
In the meantime, his mother passed away and his brother moved his family to another country. My husband wasn't happy with his job so started looking for his dream job which he found several states away. We were very excited to move and I was looking forward to a new life and working part-time and spending time with my family. We didn't count on the housing market crash. In short, we couldn't sell our house and I couldn't swing a job transfer so my husband moved alone.
Within 6 weeks he started having an affair. He came home to visit and I knew something was wrong immediately. He admitted his affair and said he was in love with her. I was devastated. I couldn't understand how we could be at such a good place and this could happen in such a short time. He was saying and doing things I could never have imagined. He was totally smitten by this woman. I did all the wrong things...begged and pleaded, laid the guilt on about our 5 children. He wouldn't tell me anything about the OW but I knew it had to be someone he worked with for it to happen in such a short time. I immediately hooked up with a Christian counselor who had me read "love must be tough" by Dobson. I applied the principles and my husband immediately ended his affair.
I didn't know anything about the OW and he refused to give me info. It wasn't until he or she defriended the other on FB that I figured out her identity. It was his 24 yo assistant who was on her second marriage. I blew a gasket that my husband would cheat with someone so young. It bordered on pedophilia in my mind. He said he didn't tell me about her because he didn't want me to expose to her husband and he thought they could still be friends! I didn't talk to him for weeks. She eventually quit her job which I confirmed with the office manager and we struggled to put our marriage back together while living 500 miles apart.
He didn't seem much interested in the marriage or the children at times but he stuck it out. He was acting out and doing things totally against his character. He was always a homebody but started going out all the time and he started abusing alcohol. We fought a lot, something we have never done in our marriage. Two months ago I finally managed a job transfer and we sold our house and I moved 500 miles with our children. I gave up my home, job, friends and family to reconcile with him.
It has been a rough transition. He would come and stay with us a few days, pick a fight and go back to his apartment. Eventually, I had enough and told him I didn't want to be with someone who didn't want to be with me and I told him to get out. He did and we've had very little communication in the past three weeks.
I've read DR but I'll admit I haven't applied the principles very well. I have been trying the LRT and have been more at peace and he seems to be more at peace with this technique although he appears to be done with this marriage. He has basically abandoned me and our children although he has shown more interest in us over the past week.
I know I need to start GAL which has been hard since I work full time and have been caring for these 5 children all alone. I have never gotten the ILBINILWY speech. He has maintained all along that he loves me but he just doesn't know what he wants. I know he is entertaining divorce but he waffles over the effect on the children. He also waffles with me...talks about me like I'm a resume....constantly telling me I'm everything anyone would want in a wife yet he is not here. He has gone weeks without contacting me but recently has been wanting to spend time with me and the children. He came over last night and I blew it when I tried to have a R talk. It is so frustrating to live in limbo and not know what is going on with your life. I know I need to keep my mouth shut but it is really hard sometimes. I'm pretty blunt and usually let people know exactly what I'm thinking. I'm not sure how some of you do this.
I know I need to start working on GAL and detaching. I've also been working a few 180's. It's just all so hard. I truly love this man and cannot imagine a life without his friendship. It's also hard to move on when 5 young children are involved. I'm posting because I need a plan and I'm not sure where to go from here. I also know I do better when I'm held accountable and I haven't been doing such a hot job this past year. Any and all comments are welcome.
OK, no response. I'm just gonna journal and hope someone jumps on board.
H asked to come to dinner last night. He showed up and we had a fairly pleasant evening although he was fairly distant with me. I tried to remain upbeat and avoided all R discussions. He stayed a few hours then retreated to his apartment.
Today he sent me a slew of texts about what an awful wife I am and how I am trying to ruin him financially. Said I didn't pay a bill which I really didn't know anything about since it goes to his apt. Later he apologized for being mean.
It's really hard to deal with this Jekyl and Hyde. My H has always been very respectful of me even when he was mad and now can be downright mean for no reason. Some days I just feel like throwing in the towel but I love him and I have 5 beautiful babies to worry about.
Just wanted to let you know I read your post. I don't feel confident in giving advice here (not doing a great job with my own situation at the moment). Hang in there. I am sure one of the more experienced DBers will comment soon.
Me: 45 WAW: 45 | M22 | T25 | No Kids Nov 09 W Filed | Dec 09 Separation Mar 17 2010 Divorce Papers Signed | Divorce Hearing Cancelled Moved back home May 2010 PA Confirmed June 2010 | W left Dec 7 2010
I think your H getting nasty and mean after your dinner together shows -
1.He's scared 2.He's angry, most likely at himself as well as you for the M woes.
Just try your best to stay calm and not react to the emotions he is throwing at you. After all when we are not calm and are mean and nasty, its much easier for the spouse to feel justified leaving us. Do DB and 180.
I know its hard not to react and it's hard not to try to figure out why H is doing what he is doing. We have to learn how to detach, we must focus on ourselves.
My H has said a few things lately that without DB, I would have become angry and yelled at him for saying. I no longer react in a negative way to anything H says. It takes steel will sometimes, but I feel better for doing it. When I find myself feeling weakened, I excuse myself and go to a quiet place and re-group. Positive self talk helps. I tell myself I can do it, no matter what it is.
I won't be of much help either since I've just started, but I can say that I have read DR almost 3 times now. I think that since it is so opposite of what we feel is right that it may take more than one read to sink in.
In talking with my DB coach today she reminded me that consistency is not going to be the norm right now, inconsistent is so expect the roller coaster of emotions.
The fact that he's complaining about finances, while still keeping his own apartment, is odd. Are you absolutely sure that the affair is over, or that he hasn't embarked on a new one??
Me-29 H- 28 Together for 6.5 years 2 kids, ages 9 and 5 D-Day: July 15, 2010.
grateful - 5 kids...wow! You have five good reasons to try. Still, there is no reason you should put up with abusive behavior, which it sounds like he is doing - for whatever reason. There is a thread on here about boundaries - see if you can find it.
I'm glad he apologized, but don't let him get away with it. Don't blow up - just make it clear that kind of behavior is not acceptable to you. Tell him you are trying to respect his wishes and there is no reason he should treat you that way.
Keep posting - there is a lot of helpful advice on here.
He: WAH Me: LBW Precious: DD
~ I'm grateful for every day I have to improve the way I relate.
Thanks to everyone for stopping by. I really appreciate your words even if you are new here.
I honestly don't believe my husband is still having an affair. I made it pretty clear to him that if he ever had contact with that girl again that this marriage was over. Even though we were 500 miles apart, I could pretty much tell you the exact day he crossed the line in our marriage. It was pretty obvious he was having an affair by his behavior and he felt so guilty he confessed immediately. His odd behaviors related to the affair have stopped. However, my husband does not understand what an EA is and it would not surprise me if he is talking with someone but we don't live together currently so I can't honestly answer that question. I've checked on him a few times and he has been where he has said he would be...
LRT I agree with you regarding boundaries. My H has not had any boundaries from me during our marriage or from his parents. As a result, he plays the victim. He has a "woe is me" attitude and regularly blames everyone and anything for his lot in life and his life is pretty darn good. I have issues with abandonment and sometimes walk on eggshells afraid he will leave me. I know I need to work setting boundaries and stop operating out of fear and do what's right. But sometimes I'm not sure where to set boundaries and where to DB. Today when he was spewing I was operating on validating him and it shut him up pretty quickly. The spewing stopped and later he sent me a text apologizing. I've learned not to respond to his anger and that seems to stop his outbursts cold.
He tells me all the time he loves me and that he is just angry at the world right now. He also says he knows he is being a jerk to me and doesn't know why. He says all the time he doesn't know what is wrong with him or why he is feeling so bad. He has said he wasn't unhappy in our marriage and then he has said he doesn't know if he's ever been happy in our marriage. It's frustrating as heck. His behavior seems to have been triggered by the death of his mom, a job change and a move across 500 miles without his family. I believe he was totally depressed, met that young thing who gave him lots of attention and pulled him out of his depression for a bit. He didn't have to face reality when he was seeing her and it felt good. Now he is having to deal with all the guilt. He also has pretty low self esteem related to his childhood and those issues have surfaced over the past year. He beats himself up a lot and lives with regret instead of in the moment. He is an eeyore of sorts.
Sometimes I think he is intentionally trying to destroy his life. It's almost as though he doesn't feel he deserves to have a good life. He has a good job but hasn't been doing his work which isn't like him. He also has been drinking and he has been driving which could result in losing his job, also not like him. And then he is destroying our family, something that used to mean the world to him. I just don't get it.
I've been through a lot in my life but I'm a pretty happy person and this has really been dragging me down. I've moved away from my family, friends, home and job and I'm in a new city where I don't know a soul. I'm going to try to focus on my kids, GAL and making some friends, as well as a few 180's. Thanks all for listening.
First of all, (((hugs))) to you. Sounds like you've both had a lot of upheaval in the past couple of years.
The first thing I sense is this is not just about you. Or maybe at all about you. It's about him. I have an H who's similar in some ways. The blame, the blowups, the terrible anger directed at us- it's not all about us. They have old issues they've never dealt with, they're hitting a point in their lives where - because of their age or these major life events, etc- they think they deserve more and look around for a scapegoat for why they're not totally happy. Us. Some of the issues he has with you may be valid (although honestly, I haven't seen anything specific from what you've posted) and would be good for you to work on, but it helps to keep this in mind, that it's not all about you. So what does that mean?
1) until they get help and decide they want to work on themselves, we can't fix them. 2) we can work on ourselves and should- that will teach us a lot about ourselves and help in all areas of our lives. But it still doesn't fix them, especially if they won't even admit their own issues. A lot of people told me when I started this journey that DB is not about saving your marriage. It's more about saving yourself and leaving the *possibility* of reconciliation open while getting on with your life and happiness. It took me a long time to take that in. 3) we have to decide how long we want to live like this in this limbo, with all the blowups, etc. when, if they'd been like this when we met them we wouldn't have given them a second look- right? It's worth keeping in mind. I'm not saying just throw your M away, but when we're being treated poorly for long stretches of time we eventually have to decide if this is what we want to put up with while they figure out their stuff. You feel like I do (though I'm pulling out of it)- sitting around waiting for him to figure out what he wants. What about what YOU want? You can work on that in the meantime and/or you can take steps to move things along out of limbo, whatever that means for you.
Are you in IC? If not, and if you can afford it, I would look into it. If I didn't have my IC over the past 6 months I don't know where I'd be. I'm way off the grid now with DBing and just winging it, but thank god I have her. I'm concerned that you're far away from family and friends. That makes this very challenging- have you made any friends? I'm not sure how long you've been in the new location? Are you involved in a church and is there any support there, or social activities?
Do you have respite from your kids- a babysitter, someone who can give you a break? Have you identified your goals for 180s, your bottom lines (not part of DBing but important for us LBS's to know- how much of this indecision and spewing will we take?)? GAL goals? Please post some of them here.
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But sometimes I'm not sure where to set boundaries and where to DB. Today when he was spewing I was operating on validating him and it shut him up pretty quickly. The spewing stopped and later he sent me a text apologizing. I've learned not to respond to his anger and that seems to stop his outbursts cold.
Well, you have some answers there. Validating, when appropriate, is a DB technique (I myself don't validate anymore, b/c everything is blaming me and about how angry and victimized he is and I'm not going to validate that anymore), and not reacting is a wonderful tool if you can do it. I'm getting a LOT of practice on this myself. There's only so much steam they can run on when we don't respond and it peters out eventually. You can also use a very calm (if it's in person): "I'd really like to hear what you have to say about this but it needs to be in a respectful tone or I'm not participating." If it's in texts or email, just don't respond. I know you said you are blunt and have a hard time holding your tongue- and that's one more reason why you need a support system now, people you can say the truth to when saying it to him won't help. It may make you feel better for a minute, but it will just make things worse if you react to his anger and spewing- instead, post what you'd like to say to him here and we will all heartily agree with you
We will await more info from you....
PS, you probably already know this, but it helps in getting people to respond to your thread if you post on theirs, even if you don't feel you have advice to offer, just stopping in and saying "hi" can make a connection.
I know most of what is happening has nothing to do with me and I know this is my husband's ball and that I can't fix him. It is all just so sad. I know I will get through this but I feel so bad for my children. They ask me everyday if we can just go back home.
It's hard for me to say what I want outside the context of my marriage. The only thing I ever wanted in life was a happy family. I didn't have that growing up. My dad left when I was young and never had any contact with me and my mom is a cold-hearted shrew who hates people. I absolutely love being married. I love being a wife. I love being a mom.
I'm a pretty together gal. I'm smart and have a good career and I have lots of interests. I also have wonderful children. I know I will have a fulfilling life even without my husband. The thing that sends me on a crying jag every time I think about it is the lonliness. My husband and I are really good friends and have great conversation. I miss that. Sometimes I just need that adult stimulation. We also had a good intimate relationship. I miss that time with him....the intimacy and knowing someone on that deep level. I know I can love someone else again but I also know I will never bring a third party into my children's lives until they are grown....that's 12 more years.
I went to IC in the beginning and it helped me understand my H's A but after a few sessions my C told me to leave my husband. This was a Christian counselor. That did not sit well with me. I truly believe God wants my marriage to work for me, my children and my husband. I do not believe he wants me to walk away. I've been to other therapists before but I have to say I haven't found counseling all that beneficial. I may sign up to talk with a DB coach and next week I have some sessions scheduled with Larry Bilotta and I'm looking forward to those.
My husband hasn't said much about our marriage and what makes him unhappy. I know one of my 180's will be to get more financially savvy. I have been working on a budget and hope to learn some stuff about investing. I've also made sure I look nice whenever he is around.
My GAL goals: 1 - make friends. I don't know a single person in this town outside of work. I'm looking for a church and school is starting soon so I will have a chance to meet some moms 2 - start going to the gym 3 - take up golf 4 - I'm looking for a piano. I've always wanted to play and some of my kids seem to be musically inclined 5 - spend more quality time with my kids. Even though I'm with them all the time I've been emotionally out of touch this past year 6 - learn how to use my camera
I have a nanny to watch the kids while I work but I feel darn guilty leaving them to do other things. I feel like my time with them is so short and I don't want other people raising my kids. I really hate the idea that I work full time. When we initially moved here I was going to work part-time but he's left and unless I know he is coming home for good I need to make sure I can support my kids. I thought about pushing my husband to start taking them on a schedule but he's just not there emotionally and I'm concerned he is drinking and don't want to expose my children to that behavior.
