Question for group: I have read HeartsBlessings overview of the MLC stages a number of times, but am confused about how much and what type of interactions tend to be initiated by the MLCer in the Depression and Withdrawal stages? Just curious. Can someone point me to a resource that discusses this in more detail?
We can work on this, just keep in mind the first three stages are running away, the last three are rebuilding. So I would guess you H is in one of the last three. Exactly where I am not sure yet, but this will be revealed as we go along. There is a reconnection thread in the resources. Have you read that?
Hi gag- I want to share some of my experience to help you understand that you must have no expectations here...
My H started to reconnect with me about maybe a year or so post-bomb. We would spend time together going to dinner, the movies, going out with friends, etc...we even went to counseling! We got along great most of the time because I accepted everything on his terms. For over a year we dated, he even brought a lot of his clothes to my house and we talked about him moving back by the end of last year. When it came time, he couldn't do it. I told him I couldn't go back to the way things were and he left. Six weeks later, he contacted me and told me that he missed me, that I was his best friend and that he wanted to move back. I was thrilled but the very next day, I could feel him backing away. I gave it 3 more months but nothing changed, he still couldn't move back and recommit to the marriage. I lost all of my patience and told him I wanted a divorce. My H is an attorney so he processed and filed the divorce paper at my request. It should be final in December.
The crazy thing is that I know my H still loves me and wants to be with me. I was told by our friend that he still has our wedding picture up in his office. He told me he misses me, I know he is still attracted to me and he admits we have always been good friends. I know in his mind that we are not done BUT he can not for whatever reason let himself completely come back to the relationship yet. I don't know if he ever will and I decided I'm not happy living my life on his terms.
I am only telling you this so you will not have any expectations. I couldn't help myself. It sounds to me like you are looking for the clues to where your XH is at in all of this...I can tell you first hand not to even bother trying. If you can just enjoy his company for now, accept what he has to give and be patient for anything else, you may build a new relationship with your XH.
Who knows what the future has in store for any of us. I think the key here is to live your life and be happy. If you can do that and only that for now, maybe everything else will fall into place.
So is it too late for me to join the cocktail party???
I like the squirrel analogy because when I think of how a squirrel moves it is very much our MLC spouses. (Mach or Jack or both have used it before) When a squirrel is moving towards something it does not move in a straight line, it is skittish. Sometimes moving right then left, sometimes they turn around and hop back two steps then back the other way, basically all over the map, right? You scare that squirrel, it hauls a$$ in a straight line, running back up into the nearest tree. Is this not how our MLC spouses move?
it says that they reconnect with family first, then friends, then the children and then finally the spouse. I think that it is possible for the MLCer to be reconnecting with say the family or friends but is doing touch and go's with the LBS.
With my W I think that she is starting a reconnection with our friends and kids but the contact with me is still touch and go. As stated in the resources they can be experiencing the stages in any order and obviously transitioning from one to another may exhibit behaviors from both simultaneously.
Originally Posted By: Upside
Who knows what the future has in store for any of us. I think the key here is to live your life and be happy. If you can do that and only that for now, maybe everything else will fall into place.
So is it too late for me to join the cocktail party???
Upside, Great Advice!!!!
The cocktail party is every Thursday Night at 7pm. I call it "Little Friday". It is something I have done for years actually and there is a story. To get the story go to the thread that Eric created called "Little Friday" and on the first or second page it explains the history.
Cheers
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
I have always felt uncomfortable with the black and white nature of reconnection/touch and go. I always felt they are one of the same thing. As they reconnect (touch and go) with us they move away to regroup and rethink even if OW/OM is still in the background (that will cause some 2x4's). As they get happier with the reconnecion big decisions are made regarding the affair and then touch and go's become reconnection. Hope that makes sense!
Your post also makes sense and clarifies the situation even more.
It sounds to me like you are looking for the clues to where your XH is at in all of this...I can tell you first hand not to even bother trying. If you can just enjoy his company for now, accept what he has to give and be patient for anything else, you may build a new relationship with your XH.
Upside, thank you VERY much for your post! I read your thread many times last winter and was really happy for the changes in your situation. Thank you for sharing your words of wisdom with me now. After the D I really worked at moving forward (still am) while keeping the door open a crack for XH. I just kept trying to "do the right thing" with respect to XH and his family and conduct myself with dignity in general. I have just recently become convinced that XH is in MLC. When XH began to accept and initiate recreation with me I became interested in trying to figure out where XH might be in this process.
H/XH and I have never really been out of contact since the bomb. I think the longest lapse in communication has been 2, maybe 3 weeks. I typically waited for H/XH to initiate contact.......so there continues to be a connection between us, similar to what you described in your situation. I have managed to maintain my cool throughout the last 22 months, but XH's increased friendly contact (reconnecting? or touch-and-go? who knows?!?!!), along with some pretty significant work stresses have converged to put me on the edge recently. I want to maintain my "cool" with XH so I don't blow that situation out of the water while I am collecting myself and planning my future. Your cautionary tale is very timely for me. I wish you the VERY best in your situation. It sounds as though there will be future chapters in your story.
Originally Posted By: missherlove
Reconnection Vs. Touch and Go, this frustrates the h@ll out of me.
I am SOOOOOOOO there with you MHL. ARGHHH!!!!!!! I will watch your thread. Thank you VERY much for contacting me. I want to learn from you and everyone else. Reminders to have no expectations are MUCH appreciated.......I am finding the times between contacts from XH to be more difficult than I would have thought..........I will have to check out the "Little Friday" celebration. 7PM in what time zone? When you have a chance would you please send a link for directions about how to access the party? Thanks!
Normally I'm pretty unflappable, but going through a rough patch right now so encouragement from everyone is VERY much appreciated. When I left my career at the big university to try and save my M...and get a life....I took a full-time position with a clinic in town. Initially this was a great change for me, but in February the partners decided to change the way they calculate salaries....so 1 year after I changed jobs, my income changed fairly significantly. Their decision re: salaries fueled an internal struggle among the partners that very nearly split the clinic. So, I'm reeling from the knowledge that my employment almost imploded. I had a sense that this was happening but got confirmation in a conversation yesterday while at work. Feeling wobbly right now. Need to regroup.......and of course, throughout the last 6 months this has been happening, from time to time I couldn't help wishing I had a 2nd income...........Pity party last night, venting now. Will work my way out of the funk and work on Plan B this weekend. A long bike ride in a bit will help.
Originally Posted By: libbyasking
I have always felt uncomfortable with the black and white nature of reconnection/touch and go. I always felt they are one of the same thing. As they reconnect (touch and go) with us they move away to regroup and rethink even if OW/OM is still in the background (that will cause some 2x4's). As they get happier with the reconnecion big decisions are made regarding the affair and then touch and go's become reconnection.
Libby, I REALLY like the way you framed this! This really helps! I will be watching your situation and wish you the best! Do something nice for yourself today.
Sorry for the long post. Just catching up. I can't do this while at work.
One more tidbit......no contact from XH for 3 days (kinda long for us-----before bomb we chatted all the time). Last night, while out having dinner with a GF (tapas on a rooftop downtown, overlooking the new baseball stadium --- night game, so the stadium was all lit up --- neat!) received text from XH's sister (she lives in another state) saying she wasn't feeling well and would I please phone her. I did and after hearing her symptoms, told her to go to emergency room. She did and is now feeling better. Got a text message last night and an e-mail this morning thanking me for being there for her............So XH's family treats me like a member of the family and XH will no doubt hear about this.........plus, when I spoke with X-SIL by phone there was loud music in the background, so this info will probably get back to XH too.........Now, onward with the weekend's activities. GAG
Looks like you are getting all kinds of good feedback from those who are about where you are with your sitch!!! Just wanted to say hi and the restaurant you were at last night sounds really cool!
M48 H53 M16 T18 S16 D13 SS30 H drops bomb PA/8-30-09 H leaves 12-30-09 D filed by H 2-10 H asks to come home 4-11 Piecing
The restaurant outing was even better because we used a Groupon: paid $25 for $50 worth of food. :-)
This weekend I texted back and forth a bit and spoke by phone with X-SIL about her medical condition. XH emailed me that he was visiting old friends about 5 hours away (XH and I stayed at these friends' place when we were dating --- nice, stable, long-term married people). XH asked if I want to play table tennis this Wednesday.
Went for a 20 mile bike ride today. Bought a new bike this summer (a treat to myself for getting through the past couple years) and now I am passing some of the young turks on the bike paths. YEAH!
