You set a boundary good for you! I know it is hard to say no, I have the same problem but I am getting better at it. She is the one making these plans, not you. So it is her problem. Good job.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Bbj, please think hard if the excuses you are giving yourself about telling the kids about Dan's cheating will be enough to make you feel better afterwards...
What would the truth possible do for the 4 yr old Syndey and her "older" brother? Come on Bbj!! You would only hurt and confuse them. You may want to make sure they dont like Dan's R with OW, but that is selfish, a natural reaction to your hurt and your bruised pride. All understandable. I know how it feels, I do. But please think well before you do that. There will be time to explain to them. I think they are too young right now. Crushing their dad's image, cant be good. xxx K
Ohh, and dear sis, you are obssesing about their R, (like I have been). You cant predict what will happen and dont try to. Just deal with the hurt it causes you and all the feelings it stirred up (sp?). Talk to you IC, post here, let it out.
Sorry but I have to agree. Ex sat all the kids down while I had gone for a drive to cool down. He told them(unbeknownst to me) that he loved another woman. When I got home they all came running to me and telling me how much they loved me. This was in June of 06. he moved out in November but was home every night, just didn't always sleep at home. Finally when I said I was tired of the limbo, he filed without telling me.
He doesn't have a good relationship with the boys. Basically just plays good time dad or takes them to his parents to play with Grandma once a week. The girls dread going to his house every other weekend as they don't like her daughters or her. If it was just Daddy...it would be different they say.
My oldest daughter was 7 when this happened and she half loves, half hates her Dad. I can't rebuild these relationships and I didn't tear them apart. That was all his doing but he is too blind to see their pain. I bet Dan would be too. These guys have got to feel what they have done but are so high on their fantasy that they don't.
I am sorry for the kids. Just keep being the best Mom that you can.
hugs, kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Thanks everyone. K I didn't think I was considering telling the kids to be vindictive...I just thought if I were them I would want to know...but I see what you are saying.
Kat, you too. Eventually it will all come out in one way or another, once the kids are ready to hear the truth, they it will...
It will be drama enough for Nathan to know his dad is dating ANYONE. He still thinks we are married but living apart, he chooses to believe that...and he has told me before he doesn't want me to date anyone because it isn't appropriate, to him. His words. So his dad will have to deal with the fallout, not me.
(((((((BobbiJo)))))) I have some thoughts.... Don't tell the kids. There's nothing good that can come from it. Sooner or later, they will know, just because, but they are not old enough to really understand, and just old enough to get really confused and conflicted.
I know that it's easy to blame "her" for things, but I have sure that if it wasn't her, it would be some other bimbo. And even more, if it hadn't been her, it would have been someone else. It's Dan, not her. I know it drives you mad, and I understand, but there's nothing to be gained by trying to have different rules for her as opposed to any other "woman" Dan might bring into his life.
On top of it all, there's really very little point in talking to Dan about any of it. Because, and here's a shocker, he'll right at you, and lie anyway. You keep expecting, or at least hoping, that he will somehow be straightforward and responsible.... well, I won't say never, because I learned never to say that, but.....
Thanks everyone. K I didn't think I was considering telling the kids to be vindictive...I just thought if I were them I would want to know...but I see what you are saying.
No, not vindictive. I know when I had those feelings/thoughts it was more of an effort to not allow my kids to have a R with the woman that was resposnible for all the mess. It was more of a way to point out to H that what he did was unacceptable. It was more of a "controlling what you can" issue :you cant control what Dan is doing, you can make sure that the kids dont approve either... Luckily, I didnt hav eto deal with it but trust when I say I was furious even with the idea of them playing house with my kids...
Originally Posted By: BobbiJo
It will be drama enough for Nathan to know his dad is dating ANYONE. He still thinks we are married but living apart, he chooses to believe that...and he has told me before he doesn't want me to date anyone because it isn't appropriate, to him. His words. So his dad will have to deal with the fallout, not me. They will not enjoy it.
Of course they wont. My kids still tell me, repeat it at least 3-4 times a week that "dad may have left but he never loved another woman"... I think they say that to reassure me and themselves. But they must have heard during the crazy periods in my house, something was up. I even mentioned things as options back then to them. They still want to make sure those options arent probable anymore. In some ways, I have done stupid mistakes run by my emotions, things I could forget "easier" than they will because I can handle it, I can explain it, they cant. I regret it everyday.
As far as talking to Dan: I would just remind him he is suppose dto let you know any big changes that would affect the kids. K
I know that it's easy to blame "her" for things, but I have sure that if it wasn't her, it would be some other bimbo.
Well-phrased, VH!
BobbiJo, if/when the kids find out. I have a deep feeling that they won't really like her. But I agree with the poster who said not to go into grave details with them. Be happy and healthy for them.
Hey. Was in an identical situation with H about a year ago. Very similar thing happened. H took son to a baseball game. It seemed innocent enough except H wanted son to get a haircut and he bought him a special outfit. Thought it was a bit much, but me being me, I indulged him. Anyway, son came home and told me he met daddy's "friend" and she had a seven year old as well. I confronted H because we too had the same rules about introducing new people and he said they ran into her. Yeah right. My H is a liar and I had those same expectations you had of your H. Why lie? We are no longer together so you can finally tell the truth after lying for so many months/years. Why not come clean and since this person was good enough for you to ruin your first family, maybe give her the respect of bringing her out the shadows. Anyway, you are expecting integrity and honesty from a man who can't give it at this point in his life. Personally, I think it is a pity any woman with a child herself who would come between a man his family. It is sad and desperate. I wouldn't dream of it. I wouldn't tell the kids though I get why you would want to. I grappled with it myself. I don't think they would understand and I think it is just a kids innocent nature to like the people their parents like until they get old enough to know better. Don't worry, if Stephanie is still around your kids will see it soon enough.
Thanks Hope! Decided not to tell them, not my place to trash their image of their dad. The truth will come out, it always does...
IC thinks he still doesn't consider her 'marriage material' or he would quit sneaking around and just be with her out in the open. But as long as they are both content to live 'in the shadows', as you put it they could go on like this indefinitely.
And it was agreed all around, here, with my brother from the boards, and with my IC-I keep attributing my values to Dan and expecting him to take actions and make decisions from that point of view. Which he has already shown, he is not coming from an honest, integrity-based position.
they could go on like this indefinitely.