Re-Connecting

[pinhead]

Wow FFH. You are strong and have come a very long way from where you once were. This happened to a friend of mine and his ex would come over to his house crying hysterically on the front porch wanting to get back together. Eventually they did get back together and they say their relationship is better than ever, but I know that he still questions himself sometimes.

Not sure what I would do at this point myself if W wanted back. All the trust and most of the love is gone now. Still starting over will be difficult too. I haven't had a "sandwich" in a long time and I do miss the touch of a woman. It will be hard to decide IF it ever happens. I have worked very hard to get where I am, but the road ahead looks pretty tough for a while yet, at least in terms of the house and money.

Think long and hard FFH. She would need to be very repentant for me to take her back in your sitch. I don't think she is there yet. Maybe never will be.

Hang tough buddy!

Pinhead's metaphor strikes again!

[Fightingforher]

It's been awhile since I've posted but I was hoping for some advice. Now that my W and I are separated and living apart I've started to GAL. After OM broke it off with W she has realized what a mistake she made. She is 100% convinced that we should be together again and work on our marriage. With all that has happened I'm a little shocked that she thinks I'd be here waiting with open arms.

She knows that the D is still in the works and she'll be served any day now. Her being alone has made her think about things. She has made a commitment to herself to stay single until she figures things out. In the meantime she is really laying some ground work to repair our R. I just can't see how the trust in our R could ever be salvaged???? She has expressed to me that she is going to go to therapy and hopefully figure out what type of void she was trying to fill when she strayed from our M.


She has admitted all her wrong doings and seems to be genuinely remorseful. I just wonder what her motives are, is it because of our son she wants to get back together? Does she love me or just the thought of getting her family back together? Do R like this have a chance if we were to reconcile? Are these all signs from a WS?

[DanF]

Holy crap FFH. You need someone smarter than me. I wish Puppy were still around. I'll try to get R2C to look in on you too.

You have seen this in other sitch's before. I think that this IS typical WAW behavior. Now YOU must decide what YOU want.

I think that R's like this have a GREAT chance, but you have to be willing to work on it. You both have to understand what went wrong and vow not to do it again. in DR and other pieces I have read, it says that if you can get through this difficult time and move into acceptance of each other, that your relationship can be better than ever. You are now more AWARE of each other and your feelings.

My friend went through this and got back together 8 months after being separated and the D was finalized. He said that things are better than they ever were, but he still does have some trust issues. Dday also said his relationship now is better than before, but now there are new issues to deal with.

You probably need to go to MC and decide what things it is that you need to work on.

I don't know what else to tell you buddy, but take it slow no matter what your decision is. Reread DR. Make her work for it.

Best of luck to you. I will try to keep up and will be praying for you.


EDITED - This forum exists to help those who come looking for encouragement and support during a difficult time in their lives. Your ideas and suggestions are welcome. However, you must treat everyone with respect, refraining from rudeness -even if or when you may not agree with what they are saying or doing in their lives. You must comply with the DivorceBusting.com Board Rules if you would like to continue the privilege of posting here.

[DanF]

I feel like you are my brother man. We have traveled this path together and I want all the best for you. I reached out where I could and hope that someone smarter than me responds.

Hang tough my brutha'!!!
EDITED - This forum exists to help those who come looking for encouragement and support during a difficult time in their lives. Your ideas and suggestions are welcome. However, you must treat everyone with respect, refraining from rudeness -even if or when you may not agree with what they are saying or doing in their lives. You must comply with the DivorceBusting.com Board Rules if you would like to continue the privilege of posting here.

[DanF]

Got the emergency cable FFH. Someone will check on you in the morning, but in the meantime, you should convey to your W that you need time to think about this and that you deserve a woman that treats you better than she does.

I have seen these types of posts from Coach and others before and I am sure you have too. Can you look back and find something?

Don't let her off the hook. Make her earn it.

All this time that has passed has given you the chance to think about what you want in a relationship and you don't know if she can be that person for you anymore. You have done a lot of soul searching and have grown immensely as a person and now you don't know if you are in love with HER anymore after all that she has put you through. Make her think that YOU are now done and that she is TOO LATE!

It's late tonight, so just wait for some more advice, but do give this some thought and DO NOT make this easy on her.

It's all about you now and what you want. You hold the cards.

Good luck!

[DanF]

FFH, found this post from Gucci on another thread. Thought it applies here as well.

Where are you man?

Moral of the story..

Do NOT take them back UNTIL or IF they can PROVE to you over time that it will NOT happen again, that they are truly sorry, and what will happen if they DO let it happen again...

Do NOT take them back UNTIL you have fully forgiven them and UNTIL you KNOW that you can move on from it.

Reconciling for the wrong reasons or too soon is a recipe for disaster. Do your homework and make them do their homework.

Godd luck bro!

[gutwrenching]

This is certainly time to take it slow. I would be suspicious of her motives. OM broke it off...does she just not want to be alone.

You need to make it clear you will not be a second choice, you need transparency, you need actions from her, committment, etc.

Trust is a tough one...they say it can come back over time...personally, I decided to see if it would

But do not jump back in. Do not go melty man

[DanF]

You need to make it clear you will not be a second choice, you need transparency, you need actions from her, committment, etc.

Right. I forgot this too. Where the hell is Puppy when you need him????? Oh, that's right, he got BANNED!

Anyway, you need a transparency plan. Email addresses, passwords, phone records, open access to texts, all of that stuff.

You also need to set firm boundaries and consequences for breaking those boundaries.

Damn, I wish I could remember more of this. Read the DR book again!

[gutwrenching]

The most important thing right now if for YOU to take it slow. For YOU to figure out your boundaries and find a way to clearly communicate those boundaries without being controlling. Also take time to think through if this is what YOU want. Gaining trust will not be easy. Forgiveness will not be easy. Rebuilding will not be easy. You BOTH have to be fully committed and YOU are in control right now.

Don't react on emotions. Take you time, think it through. As you do this for yourself, see if she will continue to chase you. She has to want this too...and from what you've posted...I'm not 100% convinced she does

[Ready2Change]

I have read many books and many threads here. I think you need wise counsel.

I feel that projecting all the things that make a man attractive is important. The art of seduction is counter intuitive and may be in your marriages best interest.

The best advise I have seen here that works is to not take the WAS back, let them feel the lose, and beg you to take them back with lots of promises on new changes....

Here is a good phrase to use often:
"I am not sure anymore. I will need time to think about ...."

"What you just said"
"Everything that has happened"
"What I want"

And then get guidance from the people here.....

I wish you well.