Here's something that I've been stuggling with; for a while actually. I mean, I busted a D 4 years ago, but our communication actually never really improved.
How do you explain to your spouse so they understand.
Situation....
When a spouse asks for help and the other feels they are helping, how do you explain that it's not recieved as help without sounding snotty or mean?
Example: I understand that H is trying to help, but when he only does something part way, it really isn't helping to me. Or when we he left the house to meet me last month at the family cabin, he helped by unplugging things (which is greatly appreciated since I pay the bills), but he also unplugged the fridge in the garage, but left the doors closed and stuff inside. So I came home to a smelly mess that I have to clean (while not saying anything to upset H)
Situation:
A spouse who doesn't understand the difference between help/support/concern and control
Example:
Since H moved back in a few years ago, my self confidence has dwindled. While we were split, I got my masters, worked 2 jobs, etc... Since he's been back, it's like I feel like... well crap when I try to do something. I've been wanting to go back for my Doctorate Degree, but feel like I'll never get anything done or be able to finish or successfully do my research thesis. H always says, "you can start whenever you want"...etc. But his actions are different.
How do I explain to him.... how can I spend hours in the library or got to Phoenix for a yearly residence when he's just going to accuse me of having a affair? Or how can I come home at night to work on my papers, when i have to finish the laundry, the dishes, mop the floor, etc??
Now, last week he came home with an application for a program for me. Come to find out, he also talked to someone at the Uni. about me, gave my email, mentioned I might like to talk to them... etc. Came home, but only gave me the app. The program isn't approved by my state, so I said, thanks. But H still pushed.
How do I explain that doing that wasn't help, it was pushy and controlling? (He didn't listen when I told him last month that that Uni. wasn't approved) How do I nicely say, helping would be to have gotten me a business card, and let me do the rest?
print what you just posted and show him. then talk about your concearns reguarding his helping in relation to your well being and what you feel you need to do. just try to get him to understand him helping you helps him
Hi Sox, do you remember what your signature line says?
Why did you stop living your life when your H came back home?
It sounds like he has to take the blame for being your anchor.
I found myself very productive while my H was MIA, and now as he is finding his way back I have to be aware of ME so that I don't fall into the trap of taking the easy way out and saying I couldn't because..... and then in my mind I blame H.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Sounds kind of like some of my story. I went back to school and got my BAS while my ex was out of my life. I am working on my MBA right now and ex and I are having trouble. I can't study. I am so upset by this break up that I just can't. I should have stayed away from her. This was important to me and I am going to fail out because I can't concentrate. I read and don't remember a word on the page. My ex went and married someone she knew for 5 days for a quick update while takeing pills, she has a pill problem. Now she is saying she made a mistake and wants to come back but her actions-she doesn't seem to be leaving to me. She is just trying to keep me on the ropes if she needs me and that is if. It is crazy and driving me the same way. It is easy to say study but I just can't. I have tried. I can't remember anything and it's hard to read through tears. I am a fool.
Nope, she is pretty but not that pretty. I have dated prettier. She is nice but not that nice. She lies to me, uses me, I can't believe anything she says, she doesn't work, clean, cook or really do anything. I can't explain the draw. I do think she is sexy but I didn't really love her when I got married to her the first time. We had a lot of good times together. I have lots of memories. She had some ways about her that I like. I get butterflies in my stomach when I see her after nine years. So, I can't answer why I love someone that is a finacial drain and emotional drain on me. I enjoy her sometimes. We took a vacation in May, went to a casino and lost a ton of money. I didn't care I loved being with her. Just being around her. It scares me to talk this way about her because I am trying to let her go. But I just do love her. We are simialar in a few ways like our history of cancer and parents. She feels like family to me. She feels like me. And people don't jump on me about that I freaking know that is codependancy. She is the same way around me. She can't resist when we are together. She can only be mean on the phone.
so she is not so nice on the phone but drops her guard when in person? sounds like h and I. i recognize it say to myself i'll be nice on the phone and ic an't. i can be not so nice on phone and in person then he says something so totally stupid and makes me laugh.
i think i love the thought of him and of what could be. on some occasions when we've been together i think he can't handle the kids or is stressed or just plain somewhere else. he feels like a wet blanket i'm carrying around. like he sees no joy in what the kids do,say, or anything. he doesn't seem to be happy-ever
Me 39 H 30 d 18 previous marriage d 2.5 with H s 4.5months with H Seperation Nov09 july i'm dim to dark - set internal deadline
You and I are in the same boat, we are so much alike in the way that we think it is scary. I have been on these posts for longer so I kind of know what they say but there is not much difference in our situations. It sound like we both would be better off without them.
WCW, not sure. I know that dealing with H is draining. He has ADD (always had, even as a kid) and isn't medicated. Actually refuses and says it doesn't affect him. I even read and gave him the book ADD and marriage (or something like that). Still nothing.
I also know that H is controling, although he sees it as love and caring. Things like- I want to drive to the family cabin; H says I don't want you driving that far alone with the kids, but then he drives that far alone with the kids. When I start to do something, like go through the mail, he comes over and takes over. Or I start doing dishes, and all of a sudden he's up at the sink taking over. I call around for estimates to get my car fixed, and the next thing I know H is coming in with other quotes.
He doesn't "help" he takes over- although he sees it as help.
His mother was also physically and verbally abusive (still is very verbally abusive and plays emotional games with her kids). Anything I say is always taken the wrong way. i can't even raise my voice or be loud with excitement without words or shhhhhh's or looks from H.
No, he hasn't seen a C about it, he thinks he's dealt with it fine and that it has nothing to do with anything.
His ADD also means he doesn't listen well. He hears, and thinks he listens, but he doesn't. He can't remember things 20 minutes later. When a conversation goes longer than 2 minutes, his eyes are elsewhere. He also can't stick with things. He'll clean the counter, but then leave the paper towels and windex on the counter. He'll do laundry but not fold it, he'll say he'll do something then forget to do it. But I can't nag, because that's being mean. It's like having another kid.
It's also the way he says things.
This one gets me the most. I am a teacher, have been since college (High school acually, but that's another story). H is just getting started and is a sub. He has had year long sub jobs for the past 3 years. When talking to people he raves about teaching and in his words "this is the easist job". Seriously? I've been teaching more than 1/2 my life, and it's far from easy. But he keeps at it. No matter how many times I say, no it's not easy it's the hardest job there is.
I teach elementary. I'm certified K-8, and I teach teacher courses as well. Almost weekly, H tells me how much I would love teaching middle school math, and how I should take the test so I can switch, and how much I would love middle school. Uh, no. I teach elementary and am dammmm good at it too. No desire to switch, but he keeps prodding. he thinks he's giving compliments and helping me to "be a better" (his words) and that I'd enjoy it. He doesn't hear that I am enjoying what I do now and have no desire to switch.
One last thing. I promise.
H also words things in the negative when speaking to you.
I cleaned out my closet. His reaction wasn't it's so much better, or it looks good. Instead it was so you were able to get everything back in?
I redid the patio and got a deck box for the cushions. H's response wasn't it looks nice, or that really cleans up the patio and makes more room in the garage, or even nice job.... nope. It was "so you were able to put it together?" It's like I'm not supposed to be able to do anything.
So how do you explain all that to a guy who has never healed from emotional abuse and doesn't really listen to what is said?
I'm trying to find nice words (it's like walking on freakin egg shells) that he will relate to and not tell me I'm just being mean again.
It will also be in a letter form. I've found that when H reads, he can digest the words better than hearing them.
Its truthfully sounds like mind reading. You are assuming how he feels. What you are thinking is owned by you.
Someone said it above. You stopped being you when he came back. That's not a reflection on him. Its a reflection on you. You let him back into your life but didnt change your expectations.
Sometimes you need to roll with the punches. As they dont sweat the small stuff. For example as you said, he unplugged the appliances and unfortunately unplugged the spare refrigerator. People do make mistakes. I've learned this with my wife and she has learned it with me. (It took us separating for 2 months to figure it out)
Married 10 Together 13 ILYB 1/4/2010 Separated: 1/4/2010 Moved back in 1/28/2010 Reconciled 3/14/2010
