Posted this in the Infidelity Forum but it was requested I post it here as well...
Following is a post that Allen wrote to Quicksilver in reply to him about his sitch. I thought this was such a great post, I felt we all could use it! My comments are in blue. Allen's original comments in black.
It's interesting QS... When you feel like you have the upper hand you appear to have this in the bag, but when your wife appears to have the upper hand you fall apart... This seems to be the case for a lot of us that are fighting for our marriages. We are quick to respond to the emotions of feeling good that perhaps the Wayward Spouse is responding to our efforts. When it seems that they are not, we get discouraged. We all need to keep in mind that our efforts are not always going to produce visible results but that does not mean they are wasted efforts.
The ONLY way I have seen to effectively fight for a marriage is to be in mindset where you fight because you want the marriage, not because you need it. This speaks to the very core of why our efforts work or do not. It's all about self respect. When you work from a position of self respect and have that mindset, your actions are going to naturally show that. This mindset is what allows us to set AND KEEP boundaries. This is the very core of GAL and 180s...and exposing. This is what keeps the fear of, "Is WAS going to be mad and leave me if I dare get tough...." from stopping us from doing what is right and healthy for OURSELVES AND OUR MARRIAGES.
When you have the upper hand like this you are in the want mindset... you have to keep it there. This isn't always easy but important. If you are not in this mindset, DON'T have a conversation with your WAS. Do what you need to do to get back in this mindset before responding, talking, etc... Pray, read, call a friend, email...post here...whatever you need to do!
Your marriage can go either way right now.. and YOU need to be OK with that...
If you get to a point where you can say, it could go either way for me and I am OK with it going either way... I am fighting because that's what I want, not because I am terrified of the alternative. Exactly what I meant above: if the LBS is operating from a position of fear rather than confidence, the actions are going to reflect that. You must be doing what's best for you/your marriage, NOT worried about the reaction of WAS.
QS, if there is a divorce, you look at the direction you are headed right now and the direction your wife is headed... who do you think has the upper hand long term? We ALL need to realize that this is true in our lives and WE are the strong ones! WE are the braves ones. WE truly are the ones that are going to be OK, no matter what. Even my FT told me that the other day!
Do you really think your wife is the one who is going to live a good long healthy life with her attitudes? Any WAS that chooses out rather than reconciling has not worked through his/her personal issues. They are destined to be miserable because they will still have to deal with themselves sooner or later.
Your wife is pursuing a sleaze ball who is going to drop her like a stone at the first chance he gets, your wife is completely ignorant about commitment, marriage, and even how to show the slightest respect to her partner in a crisis, and when things get diffiucult she throws gasoline on her house when it sets ablaze instead of putting the crisis out. And whether or not your WAS is having a PA, EA, MLC, or just plain screwed up, this is true. If they end up truly wanting out, WE are all better people for the work we have done on ourselve, our lives, and our issues. Our kids are much better for it too! Having said that, I truly believe the healthiest thing is for every WAS to come to their senses and pull it together, and save their marriage. I believe God will bless all of us for trying the best we can to get the wayward spouse to do just that - and for hanging tough. If it doesn't happen, then WE all should know we deserve better than to live like that for the rest of our lives anyway.
You are learning to love inconditionally. You have maintained respect not only for your family and friends but her family as well. You have a home you are improving and enjoy, you have women who would gladly trade places with your wife when you are in a place where you are ready for that... The things you have learned through this process are the most valuable lessons in life. None of us want to go through all of this, but you CAN walk away from it all, reconciled or not, with the best self-esteem of your life. If it happens that you move on, well, hopefully you take the right lessons into the next R with you.
You have the upper hand QS, you always did, and as long as you stand up for yourself while doing everything you can to preserve your wife's dignity in the process you will always have the upper hand... This is exactly why it is important in all of this, for us LBS's to always take the high road. Again, this is about LOVING toughness... about respect. NO ONE ELSE WILL RESPECT YOU IF YOU DO NOT RESPECT YOURSELF.
If you get to a point where you can say, it could go either way for me and I am OK with it going either way... I am fighting because that's what I want, not because I am terrified of the alternative. Exactly what I meant above: if the LBS is operating from a position of fear rather than confidence, the actions are going to reflect that. You must be doing what's best for you/your marriage, NOT worried about the reaction of WAS.
i believe this is the mentality that keeps some folks stuck and unable to detach or drop the rope.
i hope those having difficulties with the 'set them free' thread read this.
there are a lot of good things in that post that i could quote every single section but it's best to just read it entirely.
I believe so as well. People are afraid of upsetting or making the WAS angry and therefore, they are paralyzed to act in the way that is most beneficial to them and their marriage. They think they will force WAS out the door and that's the last thing they want to do. However, it is only until they are willing to risk that that real progress can be made by them! They need to think about the self respect issue. Why should THEY be worried about WAS getting angry or upset? WAS isn't worried about making THEM angry or upset!
the reason why i selected that portion out of your entire post is because i think a lot of folks believe they are doing "the work" but is "the work" being done with confidence or with fear?
you may think that you're doing it with confidence and you're talking yourself into being confident but it is only when you truly believe in yourself that it will come across as genuinely confident. otherwise, it's still fear.
Quote:
Why should THEY be worried about WAS getting angry or upset? WAS isn't worried about making THEM angry or upset!
why should the LBS be worried about getting the WAS angry? what's the worst that can happen? the WAS is going to ask for a divorce? WAS has already made that threat. it can't get any worse than that. it can only get better from there.
fear will always stop you from getting what you want. not just in relationships, but in life. control that fear and you can handle anything.
it's too bad i learned this a little too late. but it's not to late for a lot of the folks here.
Thank you for this post SunnyD. I need to hear all of the things you talked about right now. Glad I found this site as I prepare for my marathon.
M - 43 WAXW - 42 Married - 24 years Together - 25 years S - 23 - passed away 10/17/09 S - 22 Bomb - PA - 6/23/10 - WAW moved in with OM same night D-day - 9/17/10
I can tell you exactly why: Our own emotions get in the way when we are talking about OUR sitch. We think clearly when we're looking at someone else's! I should know: just posted a whole thing about it on my own thread, lol.
But yes - I think there's something to be said here for getting outside of that fear. It is key.
