Why does he want 50% time with her when he can't even be bothered to spend a little time after not seeing her for 2 1/2 days?? I know it's his right, but have no idea why he's asserting it.
I would imagine the answer to that one is C$.
(((((((NB)))))))
Well, I would think that too, if I thought he'd given ANY thought at all to any of this or was concerned about any of these issues. I fully expected him to balk about me asking for more than 50% once he found out it = $, but I am not even sure he realizes that now. Sounds impossible, I know, but you'd be amazed at what he has not considered before or since initiating this whole process.
I'm glad to hear you had a good time camping. Yes it sucks to feel as if you're the only one alone and everyone else is paired up. Just keep in mind the statistics say otherwise and you WILL be paired up when the time is right.
Well, we'll see. Don't know if there are any good ones left- except the guys on the boards here, of course . At the same time I also felt like part of a kind of family- I really like these people and they took care of D when I had to do anything (and vice versa), seamlessly, as we've been watching over each others' kids for several years now at events. It was a nice feeling- I don't have much of a family so never have these occasions where you can walk away and know there are 2 or 5 people there to watch over your kid.
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Sorry to hear about how you feel in regard to D3. While I can't really offer anything other than support just know that while he's ignoring her now but with 50% custody he's going to have to pick up the slack. You can perhaps have a discussion around it saying while it's not necessary he keeps her occupied every min of the day but at the same time it's not acceptable or appropriate to use TV as her baby sitter either! I'm so sorry he's so immature! sigh!
Unfortunately, I don't think he'll listen b/c he has his "W is evil, ruined my life and continues to be controlling around parenting issues" filter on 24/7 where I'm concerned. I will try anyway- but that was one reason I was hoping he'd go see a D coach with me- to hear this kind of thing from a neutral 3rd party so he might listen. But I have no hope he'll go or put any effort into how to get D through this and what's best for her. Ironic, because I know he loves her. He is just only thinking of himself. I hope he's shaken out of that at some point. Part of me wants to like call up his mom and tell her how he's behaving (I won't)- not b/c of my feelings but b/c of D3. She would not like it, but probably wouldn't believe me over her only son either.
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Good to hear about the apt though. That should be exciting. Perhaps a little unsettling too- sure, it's been a long time but you've done it before you can surely do it now! Plan a big house warming party- I'll come!
Well, it's a bit farther for me, but I will try to come!
I still bet it is $. He might seem that he is ignoring everything, but he is in selfish mode. And I think that means he has that part figured out.
((((((NB))))))
You may be right, Jeff. I don't know what goes on in his head anymore.
Talked to a couple of "divorce coaches" in the past 2 days. I want someone to help with the co-parenting, give custody advice, etc. H probably won't go with me and it's unbelievably expensive, but I will shell out the money for D3 if it seems worthwhile. Have an appt on Monday with the more expensive- but recommended by 2 people I trust, instead of just one- one. I think it's probably worth $225 to see if she's any good and if she can help. Too bad H won't be able to hear the advice from the neutral party's mouth, though- he won't believe it if I relay the message, so not sure how much it can help us as a "team" if only one of us is following the advice. Feel like a single parent already, on my own. Actually, I have all along, just thought that when it was REALLY important, H cared as much as I do about her and what's best for HER, no matter what.
That's a great thing that you had to do that. I think everyone should. Just venting tonight:
First, H gives me crap for giving him "such short notice" about the parenting coach appt tomorrow (I emailed him Sat). I said- "you said you didn't want to go, so I didn't think I needed to consult with you before making the appt. But I wanted to give you a chance to go anyway. Do you want to go?" H: "No, but that's not the point. The point is that you didn't give me enough notice." Me: "For what? You said you don't want to go. If you'd like to go to the future meetings, let me know now and I'll check with you on your schedule before making appts." H: "I don't want to go, but that's not the point...." And on, and on.... WTF. This is so typical H- makes an argument out of something he doesn't care about to prove either that I'm selfish, controlling, don't consider his feelings, or all of the above.
THEN, he wants to talk about $. I've been trying to talk to him for a month about it, and all he does is send me emails complaining that he's paying for everything and I can't continue to mooch off of him (not true, whatever). He wants to know what ideas I have for HIS money woes- the house, the insurance, the bills, the mortgage, he can't pay it all AND pay for his new car. Didn't I have any options for him? Excuse me, why is this my problem?? I said, as usual "just take your half of the insurance money and use it." No, he wants to borrow money from ME, as we used to do in our marriage. WTF. I said, no, I don't have the money to loan you, take it out of your insurance half.
Then he says he's not willing to meet with Finance Guy, per our agreement, to talk about the [settling our house and paying me some $]. He doesn't "feel comfortable" paying me a chunk of $ when his finances are haywire and he may have to fork over money to finish re-building the house. I pointed out that he wanted this D and got a litany of "you think I want this? I don't want this. I never said I wanted a divorce, I don't want to be doing this at all!" Uh, what?? I had to remind him that saying "I don't want to be married to you anymore and I am moving back to our house alone" is essentially the same thing as saying you want a D (which he DID say). He said "would you give me a chunk of $ if you were in my shoes?" And I said "If I wanted to D you so badly I'd make damn sure I THOUGHT about all of this ahead of time and yes, was organized and took care of these details." Then he asked why I wanted to hurry all this along... I just want some closure, you know?
A few months ago, comments like that would've given me hope for us. Now, there's a tiny spark of regret/sadness that he says that b/c I think he's still conflicted, but I also know a good part of why he's saying that is because he doesn't want to be dealing with all the fallout and hard work caused by him announcing he wanted a D. That is what's causing him pain. Which is sad in itself- I don't think he's mourning the M, he's upset about all the work he has to do now to dissolve it...
In any case, I'm going to the divorce coach/parenting specialist alone tomorrow. hopefully I get some good advice, she is not cheap!
When you file for D you have to go to a parenting class here in CA too.
NB, so sorry you have to deal with his immature behavior. It's almost comical to read what he says which is very childish and the way you respond which is soooo mature, wise and responsible.
Yes I agree that he's probably worried about stuff he has to deal with and take care of to finalize the D. He seems very irresponsible like he can't take care of things himself. Has he always been this way? Sounds like you were always there to take care of stuff for him.
Goodluck tomorrow and let us now how it goes- I'm curious.
Me: 35|WAW: 38|D: 6yo | http://tinyurl.com/2dxx7m6 Feb 2006, left, came back in two weeks Aug 2006, left again Apr 2007, filed for divorce Dec 2007, reunited Mar 2010, moved out, filed again
IR- at what point do you have to take the class? Sounds like a good thing.
So, saw the coach today, of course he didn't come. Told her about the video games, etc., not coming when she calls him b/c he's in the middle of a game, and saying negative things about me to her. Her response: "I'm very concerned."... She said for a 3 year old, the experts do not recommend starting out with 50/50 time, that you work up to that and they live with the one they're most bonded to primarily in the meantime, seeing the other parent as often as everyone wants. She said switching houses for a 3 year old every 2 days is WAY too much transition. How I would communicate this to him in a way he can hear me I don't know. Feeling very overwhelmed.
If I can afford to see her, she fills a gap in a great way between the L and an IC and is totally D- and child/co-parenting-focused. The hour went by so fast, trying to get her up to speed on everything, but I will see her again next week. Will post more in the alt.
Whenever you file for a separation/divorce you're required to take the class but if both parties mutually decline then you don't have to. Not sure how good it is because we didn't go.
Sounds like she was able to help you with your concerns. Unfortunately the legal process makes it difficult to do the right thing for the kids. It's so black and white legally which doesn't always works.
I hope your next week's session with the coach is even more productive and helpful. Sorry I've been MIA but you know how to get a hold of me if you need my help/support
Me: 35|WAW: 38|D: 6yo | http://tinyurl.com/2dxx7m6 Feb 2006, left, came back in two weeks Aug 2006, left again Apr 2007, filed for divorce Dec 2007, reunited Mar 2010, moved out, filed again
Whenever you file for a separation/divorce you're required to take the class but if both parties mutually decline then you don't have to.
Well, THAT makes it effective!
At least here we had to go! A lot of it was common sense. But a lot of it might have helped people to realize that the kids were in the middle, and should not be "pawns" in the battle.
. At the same time I also felt like part of a kind of family- I really like these people and they took care of D when I had to do anything (and vice versa), seamlessly, as we've been watching over each others' kids for several years now at events. It was a nice feeling- I don't have much of a family so never have these occasions where you can walk away and know there are 2 or 5 people there to watch over your kid.