The heart of the matter

[NoLongerHere]

Time for a new thread. And like last time using a song that seems to capture where I am. Hopefully that’s not too corny.

I have been vocalizing the cacophony in my head and have been inconsistent in my behavior. So now – I want to calm my thoughts and get to work. I want to force an inflection point. So that's the reason to - regroup.

Where I am:
- Divorce agreement has been signed, waiting for the final papers to arrive in the mail.
- We have 50/50 custody, and my boys essentially live with me, they see their mom during the day.
- Getting the finances in shape, it’s painful but I think it’s going to be OK. Need to refi the house, still need to transfer the identified assets to XW actually.
- XW and I are all over the place now. She’s having a hard time. We spend time together, we don’t spend time together, every day and every week is different. A mutual friend has told me that she still has… hope? Not quite the right word.
- I’m swinging back and forth between missing her badly and being angry.

What I want to focus on now:
- Forgiveness. Letting go of the pain and anger, and keeping it from informing my behavior.
- Building a satisfying life for myself – and this is going to include being able to be alone without dwelling on the sadness, to be able to be complete. For this to no longer be what my life is about.
- Building a relationship with XW – yes – that is not based on the wreckage of our marriage. Meaning – is not based on wanting her to come home. That is not based on need, or repair, or wanting anything from her. That is not based on me rescuing her, or her needing me. That is not based on any expectations. Maybe that relationship is sparse – meaning we’re co-parents – and maybe it’s full – meaning we’re friends. Maybe there is a long-term path to reconciliation. But thinking about it too much will not be productive.
- Being steady. Developing resilience. Staying calm. Coping with the bad moments.

[BeginningAgain]

- Building a relationship with XW – yes – that is not based on the wreckage of our marriage. Meaning – is not based on wanting her to come home. That is not based on need, or repair, or wanting anything from her. That is not based on me rescuing her, or her needing me. That is not based on any expectations. Maybe that relationship is sparse – meaning we’re co-parents – and maybe it’s full – meaning we’re friends. Maybe there is a long-term path to reconciliation. But thinking about it too much will not be productive.

Okay - first to pony up to the bar - It's hotter than he!! here in DC today so I'll have a nice cold margarita!

The building or rather keeping a relationship with my stbxw is what has been causing me the most problems in moving on with my life. I have been up and down as to what this should look like and I am coming to the realization that until I actually just see her in a co-parenting role, nothing more and nothing less, I am not going to be able to successfully move on. It is taking some real work and commitment on my part to move in this direction.

BA

[Bworl]

Pretty good list Chief.

Not sure if the order was significant or not. Or perhaps only significant in a subconscious way. Regardless...

Finding balance in you is quite likely the key to being able to move forward with numbers one and two.


The ending of a marriage, particularly if it was a bit of surprise, pretty much knocks your feet out from under you. I know that I was next to worthless from about September 2006 till January 2007. It took that long (and understand that I was completely separate from my ex that whole time) to get to the point that I felt like any semblance of my old self.



The biggest hurdle for me was accepting that it was over, and agreeing that my life would still go on and be good.


Emotional and mental stability is necessary before you can begin to deal with just about anything in a productive, non-reactionary way. Remember that we spend literally months in react mode - doing our best to weather the daily storms that are tossed our way.


For me, the three biggest assets were faith, work, and my boys. Placing my focus in those three areas never let me down. Moreover, I found that I could affect positive things in each of those areas, and that helped to restore my confidence and self-esteem.


And it was definitely true during that time that the less I had to do with my ex, the better I was. Almost without fail, every interaction, whether good or bad, eventually backfired on me and left me scrambling to recover.



Now the caveat for you is this - it was clear to me that I had no future with my ex. Reconciliation was never an option or an issue, so I never had to worry about any juggling act in doing everything I could to minimize our interactions.



Your road may be a bit tougher in that regard.


But I'll say this as regards your wife - minimizing interactions (the "just for the hell of it" phone calls for example) are a matter of self-discpline and seeing the reduced contact as part of your plan for personal stability. But you are going to have some interactions, for the boys if for no other reason. Also, you'll find it hard to keep her from contacting you as well. So when faced with an interaction, just don't burn bridges. Reign in your emotions and put aside expectations, just focus on the moment and be honest and real.



I still see promise and hope in your relationship with your wife. But I fully agree that now may not be the time to be focusing any of your time or emotions in that direction.


Stability.
Forgiveness.
Life.




and then maybe...


a future.



Blessings,

Bill

[NoLongerHere]

Thanks guys.

More later.

[NoLongerHere]

She dropped the boys off. Pet the dog. Picked up some things, paper plates and other picnic things that she wanted. We had some vague banter, at one point (as I was writing "the check") she starting poking me - I accused her of flirting, and she actually snorted with laughter. Then she left.

So... pleasant, no lingering or longing or angst or tension.

[whatisis]

So... pleasant, no lingering or longing or angst or tension.

Wow, sounds like a spa visit!

[ImprovedRomeo]

LMAO wii!

G, good for you. Let her do those things for a while and just accept them for what they are. Just don't try to leap frog to the eventual outcome you want to see. With time as she draws nearer hopefully you guys can get that spark back when you were dating, figure out what brought your M to an end and how to avoid it in the future and just let things mature from there. I'm hopeful for you...just let time do its thing.

[newmama]

What I want to focus on now:
- Forgiveness. Letting go of the pain and anger, and keeping it from informing my behavior.
- Building a satisfying life for myself – and this is going to include being able to be alone without dwelling on the sadness, to be able to be complete. For this to no longer be what my life is about.
- Building a relationship with XW – yes – that is not based on the wreckage of our marriage. Meaning – is not based on wanting her to come home. That is not based on need, or repair, or wanting anything from her. That is not based on me rescuing her, or her needing me. That is not based on any expectations. Maybe that relationship is sparse – meaning we’re co-parents – and maybe it’s full – meaning we’re friends. Maybe there is a long-term path to reconciliation. But thinking about it too much will not be productive.- Being steady. Developing resilience. Staying calm. Coping with the bad moments.

geez, this is an awesome list of goals! definitive! I think I would like to borrow a few of your goals because they match my needs, too..and right now I have no idea where to begin!

But today you worked on that relationship with your exW by just being playful and not thinking about it! Well done!

So are you getting some good ideas for how to build a satisfying life for yourself?

[NoLongerHere]

BA - one margarita coming up! Yeah - I get you. I'm considering the trick might just be, letting her be present without letting myself feel like anything hinges on her. Also considering - as Bill said - the need for self-discipline in minimizing contact, but maybe more importantly, that the interactions are less charged. We'll see. I'm not expecting it to be easy.

Bill - I think the list was in descending order of the power each had in my mind. I do see that each interaction DOES affect me, yes. I don't know how many times I've congratulated myself that I've gotten there, I feel GOOD again! Just to find myself back on my a$$ again. So. My ultimate goal is sustainable peace.

Wii, I will tell her that. "Seeing you is just like a spa day." Actually that does sound like something I'd say to her to make her laugh. Quick aside - that was something she did say the other day, about she missed how much I make her laugh.

SR - yep. I'm not sure I have an outcome I want to see right now. I guess I want to not want. So yes, will take it for what it is. Maybe one day we'll enjoy each other's company without so much heaviness behind it. Maybe now. What will be will be.

NM - thank you. Satisfying life? I think Bill pointed that out already... I have the pieces. I have my boys, I have a career to focus on, I've got friends and hobbies that I really enjoy. So what I mean to say is - for so long now my life has been ABOUT this situation, this divorce. I have enough other stuff for my life to be about. I just need to do it.

And right now I'm going to read. Goodnight all!

[v1olin]

Sounds good Geronimo,

Here is something we are told here all the time that I am only just now starting to actually do...

Forget about your WIFE. She is not your wife anymore. Try to think of her as just another hot single Mom that you might want to date. Which means that you know nothing about her past and that is a good thing. Be funny, be light, be ATTRACTIVE.