Stuck in Limboland

[CT Yank]

First time poster have been lurking for few months. Just returned from fishing with S12 for dad's day had a great time. I've read many of the sitch here and guess mine not too much different than all the others. So here goes.

Me:47, WAW:44, S18, S12.. Married 20 together 22.

D- Bomb end of March. Came home upset said we need to go for a ride. Tells me "I'm done want a D", "I'm broken inside", "I still care about you alot and I dont want to hurt you but ILYBINILWY", "I want to find happiness", "I want a meaningful relationship", and many other of the same things I've read from other sitchs. I ask her if there is someone else involved and of course says no.

Had a keylogger on comp I havnt used for awhile, originaly purchased because I suspected S18 was going on porn sites {he was}.. W didnt know about it, so I started it up again and also started to check cell records. Found nothing at first but mid April she stared blabbing to all her divorced and single girlfriend on face book and e-mail about this new guy she was interested in. I also saw some really terrible stuff she was saying about me. Mostly complete lies or gross exagerations about stuff I did or din't do. She told one friend that we didnt have sex for 5 years.

Now I will admit the M has been sex starved few a few years, probably down to 1-2 times month but 5 years..WOW.. unreal some of the things she types.

Anyhow, soon after the bomb she started going out every fri-sat night not comming home until 2-3 am. soon found out she had ONS with this guy and she was so in love with him she told friends. well that didnt last long he got what he wanted and dumped her the next week. At this point I didnt know what to do as I still wanted to work things out so I was still persuing {I know wrong thing to do}.

OM#2 came into picture end april. Intel tells me it was EA/PA but no sex. May 5 she went to cinco de mayo night with girlfriends at local Mex Rest. Calls me later and said she did too many shots and was afraid to drive home. Had S18 drop me off so I could drive her home. she diddnt want to face kids being drunk so we sat in car and talked. Figured as drunk as she was was a good time to confront about want I knew. I was right because she admitted everything about OM#1. I was coy and didnt let her know how I got info but she realized I knew enough so she came clean and said it was over. Wouldnt admit to OM#2 at the time said it was just a friend from work.

So about 2 weeks later she had a health scare and was waiting for some results next day{everything was ok in the end}. That night we stayed up until 2.am talking because she was very upset. I still love her very much and felt it was right for me to be there for her even after everything bad that has happened. So as we are talking subject of OM#2 comes and she admits she has feelings for him and then says "I have strong feelings for him and I plan on continuing to explore those feeling". WTF.. she just told me she is cheating on me and plans to continue cheating. This after I'm there for her time of need.

So after health scare is over I tell her she needs to break all contact with OM2. She says I dont think I can do that. I tell her then she needs to pack up and leave the house.

Couple days later she tells me that she decided to drop OM2 because her head is so screwed up and she needs time to think. Find out later this was not true, OM2 dropped her. He was seperated from his wife and decided to go back to his wife.

Now since that time I have found no proof of contact between her and OM1/2. I do know thru the keylogger that she still has feelings for OM2 and is pi$$ed that he dumped her. So that takes us to present day.

Now about me. I have worked same job fo 21 yrs. Not well off, usually living paycheck to paycheck but have always kept roof over us and food on table and 2 decent cars to drive. I live in NE so cost of living is very hard and the housing bubble hit me bad as house is now worth less than waht I owe. W works various jobs and makes all her money under the table. she has always worked when kids were old enough so I have no complaints about her contributions to the family. I have NEVER verbally or physically abused her in anyway and I have never cheated on her or even thought about it.

When bomb first dropped she blamed me for everything. Says I was not emotionally there for her for years and I wasnt there for the kids either. This is very true for the last five years. Didnt see it at the time but she was right. I knew something was not quite right with me but never bothered to figure it out. Never wanted to do anything and always felt mentally drained all the time. I would get up, work hard come home watch some tv go off to bed. Weekends same thing, do stuff around house too tired to do anything else and the neglect started to eat at her. Started going to IC soon after bomb, and was diag. with dysthemic depression, which is a long term moderate depression with bouts of more serious depression here and there. Man depression is something I never thought of. Started taking meds mid April and what a difference it has made for me. I feel so much better, thinking clearly, more energy and sleeping better too. Feel like I have my life back again.

The problem I'm having now is everything W says I was lacking I cant really do because it would be persuing. Just trying to talk to her respectfully and no R talk on my part at all. Been focusing all my energy on the boys and spending alot of time with them. Only good thing W has said to me since bomb is that she is happy I'm spending so much time with them.

At this point she still wants D. does not want to go to MC because she said she has been fighting for this M for years and cant fight anymore and she just wants to "move on" with her life. I asked few times for month after bomb but dont anymore as I think its just more pressure on her. I will continue to GAL and and no persuing on my part. I dont see her thawing toward me at all. I have gotten tougher with her and dont take anymore crap behaviour any more.

We are still are in the same house together, I'm sleeping downstairs in finished family room. But now that warm weather here it does get a little damp down there. I'm thinking about moving back to bedroom and she will flip out over that. But its my house and I pay most of the bills and she is the one that wants out, so maybe now its my turn to be entitled to something.

I know she went to see a lawyer this week as I found some notes about child support, alimoney etc..I have one lined up for consultation next week. What she doesnt realize is divorce is going to ruin us finacially. No way I can afford to saty in house if I pay alimoney and CS. and she cant afford a place on her own. If we D I will probably have to walk away and forclose on house. Cant she see what she is doing to the kids??? She always complained that I was selfish because of my depression this was true somewhat, but all she thinks about is her short term "happiness". Even after the 2 failed OM's she cant see that what she is doing wont bring her happiness only misery to all of us.

I have only been going thru this for 3 months now so maybe I need more patience IDK..Anyone else know how long it usually takes for the WAW fog to lessen?

I know theres not much traffic here on week ends so I'll check back in tomorrow if anyone has any help or sugestions for where I go from here I'm all ears. or if you need more specifics about my sitch pls ask. Thanks.

[CT Yank]

W sends me txt msg this a.m: " you caused me alot of pain and I've caused you alot of pain, Divorce = no more pain". Did not know how to respond to that one. W thinks D is the magic bullet to fix everything.

This is from a person who always said marriage and family are the most important things in her life, but now wont expend an ounce of energy to repair the M. She just doesnt see the damage this is going to do finacialy and emotionally to the kids. My S18 is so angry at her he will not even speak to her anymore. He actually found out about the A she had 2 months ago on his own. W was talking on phone to one her enabling friends about OM and she didnt know S was home and he over heard alot of stuff. He asked me if she had an A and I figured it was time to tell him the truth. W doesnt know he knows about it but will soon.

Not sure what to do at this point. Do I just wait to see if she files? or go do it myself? I'm not seeing any cracks in her armor at this point.

[Savemymarr]

Hi CTY,

you are not alone. i am sure one of the other big fish on this forum will post soon, but it has been really helpful for me to read the stories and posts of the other members. it has given insight into my sitch and has helped me to figure out the DB way. start w/ MWD's books, there is more than one.

plus i think i have come to realize that the WAS is not in their right mind. they are all over the place. very inconsistent. it starts with GAL, work on you. stop your pursuit. it does not work. you cannot reason with the WAS. just bc things seem hopeless now does not mean that it will remain that way.

you are not alone. i would not think to offer specific advice bc i am brand new to this board and do not have the experience and knowledge of many of the other members. i am a small fish trying to make sense of what is going on in my life. i am looking to understand and hopefully improve my sitch. we r in the same boat. small steps. i have seen many a member post that "it is not a sprint but a marathon." as things hopefully improve, it will probably not happen overnight.

this board provides a comfort knowing that there are others who have felt as i have felt, who are willing to provide advice and a place to go where you can try to improve/work on/understand your sitch. hang in there man. i love my WAS as you love yours. sometimes God has ordained that these things happen. maybe it is bc something needed to change/improve. look up the Stockdale paradox too. google it. it can provide some insight maybe. all the best.

[CT Yank]

Smy,

Thanks for responding.. I wish you all the best in your sitch. It is funny how we are all different but yet the WAS all seem the same. Have read DR {about 6 times LOL}. been lurking these boards for awhile. Some very useful advise.

I am 3 months post bomb and W's anger has subsided a bit. We can at least talk like normal for a bit, but then the venom usualy starts up again. I am getting good at just walking away
and not adding to it because I learned you just cant reason with a WAW.

Just got back from tonights IC session. Not helping much with my M but its great for my own well being. My T is great she always tells me I'm doing whats best for my family and that gives me the confidence to keep trying. Not sure what W's Ic does for her but I dont think she is very pro marriage. She seems to want to promote her "inner happiness"

I have done a ton of work on myself over the past 3 months to be a better dad and husband. I know I needed to do it too,the bomb was a much needed wake up call. Not to say all the blame was on me. I thought that at first like everyone else, but at least I owned up to my side of the problems. My S18 told me last night that he was proud of me for sticking this out this long.
So at least I know the kids see my changes, now only if the W would too.

[KarenR]

Hi CTYank,
Congratulations on everything you have accomplished, I am sure that feels good. However, about your WAW, I hope you talk to a DB coach, because they are fantastic in helping you come up with a different (and more effective) way to approach your wife.IC are great, but someone who deals with WAW on a daily basis is very valuable. Wishing you the best.
Karen

[CT Yank]

Thanks Karen,

I would love to talk to DB coach problem is I just cant afford it now.Found out W is filing on 7/20 so I need to save up for L.

At my wits end right now. Seems like more I detatch, GAL, and spend quality time with the kids the colder and more withdrawn she gets. Dont even get a hello when I get home now. Only talks to me when she needs something for the kids. Keeps telling me I had nothing to do with her for years and she is done fighting for marriage. Its frustrating because she never once told me she was unhappy or was thinking of D. In hindsight I can see she tried but in a very roundabout way that I never picked up on. Also see how we both were terrible at communacating our needs to each other.

So now my question is, her biggest complaint is I never did anything with her and was wrapped up in my own little world. How do I improve on those things without persuing her?