Marriage seemed great until about 5 months ago. Recently I confronted her re decisions she was making without consulting with me and in the conversation I asked her was she unhappy with our marriage. She said yes and that she wanted out. No big reason just that we were more friends than husband and wife. We have one kid each from a previous marriage. She does not get on too well with my Kid and is sometimes very mean spirited towards her. I do get on well with hers and have always made a big effort to be a part of his life.
The day she told me she also stopped wearing her wedding ring. No other person involved as far as I know. We have been together 12 yrs.. Without pleading or begging I told her even though I can manage without her I would like to try and save the marriage and work out our issues. She commented things would have to change which I agreed but she would not tell me what she needs so I am not really too sure what to change other than the way we communicate. I am giving her space to figure things out and at the same time changing some behaviors I have which I know annoy her. She has told friends that there is no possibility of getting through this.
Since then things have been pleasant. We watch TV and laugh together. We sleep in the same bed spaced apart but usually end up closer but not touching in the morning. If I head up to bed she will go at the same time ( which I think is a good sign ) I think she is on the fence re leaving right now. She has not started any actions towards leaving as far as I know. She asked about remaining best friends and I was quite upfront that I cannot do that and if she moves out or forces the sale of our home that I will just move on. I will try anything I can within reason to save this but I really enjoy my life except for this bit and intend to keep doing so. I love her BUT do not need her.
The problem is I am walking on eggshells. She has said some inappropriate, demeaning stuff to my kid (13) which I cannot allow to go on, and need to call her on it which is probably not going to go down too well and I have no idea how to phrase it. But as a father it is my responsibility to address it. Also I cannot afford to let her think she can call all the shots here. If I do that I feel it will upset the balance of things.
Big Question
As she doesn’t wear her ring should I take mine off too. Does she see the fact that I leave mine on as a sign I am pleading with her to stay. It seems she is very mixed up right now and I would like to make sure I send her the right signals. Is this even important ?
I think it is important to focus on her feelings more than her words at this point and time. With that being said, if you start to write down some of the things she is saying, you will probably notice a common theme (lonliness, self-doubt, finances, etc.) Once you understand the feelings behind your words, you can slowly begin to add "I know that you might be feeling ____" into your conversations. I highly recommend the DB book and another one called "How to Improve Your Marriage Without Saying a Word." Other ideas that comforted me early on were the movie "Fireproof" and the related book. Regarding the ring... follow your heart and keep it on. Taking it off will signal that you share her thoughts about your marriage and might help her justify that the marriage is over because you have thrown in the towel, too. Give her space and let your actions show her that you love her.
