I will agree with Eric...I know I needed major healing, infact more then I was even aware of initially...it changed often so I just kept myself in healing mode once I figured it that out.
As for texting H...NO...keep it to emergencies only, REAL emergencies like the house burned down, S is in hospital (not just sick with the flu or such unless he is needed to take S to DR then have S contact for the ride)...My H left me no choice...he wouldn't reply to me and half of the time to our young S...it won't help you (even though you think it might now) and it will only serve as a thorn in H's side right now...your focus is on your healing, not on H and his issues...
I know how hard it is to detach...my H did me a favor when he detached and cut contact...it forced me to work on me and not focus on him...there was nothing I could do but accept that he was gone...I would have eventually gotten there but I dread to think how long I would have remained in that pit...I was so much better when I was cut off...initially it is hard but eventually you learn to GAL and fill in the voids with other things...I took road trips with the kids, went on a cruise, invited my friends over that I hadn't done in a long time, spent time helping others, and really being thankful for what I had...feeling blessed everyday for my kids and myself...able to work...able to enjoy life...
Just take care of your LS...keep it simple, fair...like I mentioned before my H took a big financial stumble...I did not pursue child support from his because he didn't even have enough to support himself...as long as I was okay and able to make it (it was hard at times) I did it without complaining or calling him all the time on it...I think sometimes we tend to use the kids as an excuse...and child support as a weapon...this doesn't help the healing process...now if he has the money, then your child has a right to that support and I would follow through on that, mentioning to him that it is only fair to share the support and following the LS order...I don't know what state you live in...but I researched all of the laws in my state and educated myself...I drew up my own LS agreement, H signed it, and the Family Court attorny that helped me with the paperwork filing said it was a very good document, he was impressed. The forms they were using were too generic in my opinion for my situation...I customized it to my son's needs and mine...as long H agreed to it the judge would okay it...and he did! If H had not come back I would have had my freedom to move and do as I wish without having to seek court aproval...that went for traveling whereever I wanted...I know so many that can't leave the county or state they reside in because of the court order...I didn't have that...but H didn't have the freedom to do what he wanted with S without my consent...I was the sane one so I wrote the agreement in such a way that I was the decision maker when a decision was needed for S...and S had second say...we would consider H's wishes...that was it!
Just noticed there was a whole page I missed in between replying to Eric and where my reply ended up...
So let me back track...the LS issue versus provisional D...did you look into financial waiver at the court...here, I qualified for a financial waiver meaning I didn't have to pay for court filing fees! So if you qualify then you could do the LS...
Also, in regards to asking H for his list why don't you do what I did...just present yours to him to sign...my H, normally a very attentive guy just flipped through it, asked if there was anything he should be aware of ( I said "no" it is all there in black and white) and then he signed it....I got it back to the court to be authorized by the judged and filed...there was a clause that no changes could be made unless mutually agreed upon that the document was a binding and legal...
My H didn't want to go to lawyer, didn't want to do anything but I needed the legal and financial protection from him and I am very thankful that I did it.
So if you can do the LS I would go that route, I would not make it so "easy" to get a D...here a LS can be changed to a D with a simple document change...so, H would still have that option...and it doesn't cost extra...the extra costs were in filing for a D initially or a LS initially...if you dismissed either one and changed your mind (like I did) you would have to start all over...but like I mentioned, I had a financial waiver...at one time H wouldn't have qualified for it, but I did so it didn't cost either one...usually women qualify easier then men because we have the expenses of the home and kids to include with less income and until CS is ACTUALLY being paid it doesn't count!
Sorry you are in this situation, but you are in good company. You sound great, and my advice is to begin dealing with the grief over the end of your marriage as soon as possible. Begin working on acceptance that that part of your life is over. It's gonna hurt. A lot. For a long time. Sorry.
But at the same time, you take care of yourself, your kids and you start to get a life of your own, and eventually find a partner who is not stuck on his memories of high school glory, but lives in the present and wants a wonderful woman like you. It will happen. With Internet dating it's much easier than you can imagine. You don't want a life with an unapologetic, active sex addict.
Good luck.
"Now some kind of man, he can't do anything wrong. If I see him I'll tell him you're waiting." ---Lowell George
Lin, So grateful for your responses. Last weekend I hit rock bottom ~ and finally after almost 6 months called my dad and sister to come and I let myself puke, cry, sleep, etc. I was getting to a point where the hurt was eating away at me. Once I got the information from the attorney I think I felt empowered again. There is no easy answer here and I'm not going to rush.
So right about the elimination of all communication. H texted twice today to let me know that he got a night security job at an extended stay hotel and that he will get room free. By day, high school counselor/role model, etc. by night... I did not respond - nor do I plan to respond. I think you are right about developing my own separation papers. I need to think through what structures I need to have in place.
Does it sound right that I am planning to respectfully, with quiet dignity, self-esteem, and common courtesy stand for my marriage? I don't plan to discuss it with anyone ~ just letting myself live.
Lin - you sound so good! How long did it take?
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
No offense intended S_H but Internet Dating? Jesus please us. I've wondered why all of a sudden I'm getting EHarmony invites, and you name it invites on my email all the time. Could it be tied to our connection to these boards? I never used to get that kind of Email traffic before. I'm not saying that someday in the distant future, in a galaxy far away, I might try to meet my Han Solo, but now? It just makes my skin crawl.
Thanks for those words of encouragement! Rationally, I do know I deserve better. Emotionally, I continue to believe in the man I married. He's not here any longer. I don't know if he's gone for ever...I won't know for a long time. He will NEVER be the same - and I know this.
You are right about dealing with the grief and this site has helped me so much. Thanks again for taking the time to share advice! Never get enough:)
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
OK - so it's 9:30pm and I worked all day ~ actually got some things done. Made some people laugh. Was "up" in spirits. Felt good - felt like I haven't been myself in forever. I was actually RELAXED. Crazy how it has been so long - I've been burying myself in my grief, hurt. Threw on a sundress today and realized that it was loose. Haven't stepped on a scale but I feel smaller.
Came home - cut the grass / vacuumed out the car / watered the flowers. S and I have found a yellow lab puppy that we will be getting on the 31st. We had a yellow lab for 13+ years and she passed 2 years ago. S has wanted one - but I told him we needed to wait until he was driving. So, S and I decided last week that we were ready. So excited (I think:)) Another healthy distraction.
H texted me and the kids today. Told us that he was hired by the extended stay hotel. He will be working some evenings and will receive free room. He is moving in August 2nd. Then he starts back as a high school counselor on August 7th. I did not respond (thanks Lin) - what could I even say? Does anyone else besides me see this as some crazy ass behavior? My kids do. At this point, I can honestly say I don't really care. To me, he's always had some quirks ~ but I loved them. Thought we complimented each other:) I loved him and still do.
Respectfully standing.
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
Internet dating is easily the best way to meet people these days. It's a bit strange at first, but there's no other way to meet so many people so efficiently, especially for those of us who are getting on in years. When you're ready, give it a try.
"Now some kind of man, he can't do anything wrong. If I see him I'll tell him you're waiting." ---Lowell George
Sh, I would like to respectfully say that you obviously havent read Irish's thread. She is standing for her marriage right now. We need to respect that.
IB. this - Does it sound right that I am planning to respectfully, with quiet dignity, self-esteem, and common courtesy stand for my marriage? I don't plan to discuss it with anyone ~ just letting myself live.
- sounds exactly right for you. It is how I chose to act throughout my journey and I have not regretted it one bit.
You do what is in your heart. You will know when and if you decide it is time to do anything differently. And remember sometimes it is best just to be still.
As for your h, crazy is the common ingredient. But I dont really care about him. I care about you.
S and I have found a yellow lab puppy that we will be getting on the 31st.
Irish, this is great! What a wonderful distraction.
As I've posted, my Lab is nearing the end of his days, and when he is gone, I plan to pursue something I started to investigate before H left -- fostering an assistance pup. I love Grit's quote about Labs -- "angels with fur and velvet ears" -- but then he wears pink shirts and doesn't know how to clean his cookies LOL.
Irish, is this a purebred pup? If so, do you know what to check the pedigree for?
M 65 H 64 T 39 & M 36 @ S 12/08 Two Ds
Do you know that the harder thing to do and the right thing to do are usually the same thing? Nothing that has meaning is easy. ~ The Weather Man
