As prairiegirl suggested, I think influencing him is a good idea.
Hey Luvs, Ummm... I don't think that's the whole idea I was trying to convey. Simply put, I think I was just trying to say more along the lines of what Time just posted. That if you want something from him, you have to ask for it. Clearly, specifically and consistently. If our Hs/SOs don't know what we want, we'll never get it. And therefore have no right to complain about not getting it! Now, that being said the 'getting' of whatever behaviour you're needing isn't the only goal. The other goal is to hear yourself saying what you need, and stand in the fact that for you to be happy in an intimate relationship, whatever that need was, is in fact one of your needs. So I don't think I was trying to say 'influence' him per se. Don't know if I'm being clear, sorry, worked part of the weekend and am a bit of a mushbrain today!
(PS - not that you're complaining, just said that more to remind myself of it! )
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
He's expressed the things that have hurt him in the past, and his fears. I've got a pretty good idea about the trouble spots. In some ways, he does demonstrate that he trusts me.
Well, I do understand about the "locking in." I think that, since his longest relationship was 5 years, getting past that point would be HUGE! I'm not asking for marriage. lol. I'm just asking for more consistency and less skittishness, but perhaps he is just the type that needs longer to engage at the point many would by 10 months, as you suggest.
I keep coming back to your last statement, as that is something my counselor pointed out. The issue I have with this thought is that I "fell for him" before he reminded me of anyone I know, with some exception, which I'll get to. lol. I know there are subtle hints and cues, but honestly, he is different in so many ways from people that I might try that with. At first, the person he reminded me most of was myself. In fact, with the apparent reevaluation he keeps doing, as it appears to me, he STILL reminds me of myself. lol. In his interests and some mannerisms, he reminds me of my son. Okay, that didn't flesh out either, until later. lol.
I recently told him that he seems to be jumping through hoops, and I guessed that this is because he's learned from his past and isn't wanting to make the same mistakes with me, but some are so odd, that I told him that he may be wasting his energy to try to do them. I reminded him that I'm not anyone of his past, but I am uniquely me, with different expectations. I learned from my past, too, and think I'm doing something very similar. heh.
Something I have come to realize is that people who need a lot of help, but won't help themselves, just seem to take and take and take. We can't change them, they drain us, they cause drama, and seriously- is this a relationship you want your kids to watch and learn from?
Your boyfriend just sounds like a lot of work.
Sorry to be so blunt- but why oh why waste your effort? If you walkaway, he will come after you. But when he has you he will walk away again. ARGH!
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
Right, well, no not at the point, and I'm not sure my kids will ever see another full-on relationship model. I'm hoping to hold it at bay until I'm sure this is what is good for us, or if it's just good for me. And I do mean "good." And I don't mean to sell myself short, but there are some behaviors that are fine for me to be involved in and not my children. For instance, while I can take the "cat-like" behavior, to a point, that is not something I want modeled for my children.
They know about his disorder and are able to chalk his behavior up to that. I don't tell them about the other stuff. Plus, they haven't even met yet.
Oh, so I guess this answers FA's (?) question about living together. Who did ask that? I'll check...
I told my counselor that I am in no rush. I have all the time in the world. Marriage isn't on my docket at the present time, and I am really not that into dating.I plan to maintain my friendships and relationships with my children, and if there happens to be a man along the way, so be it, but I'm not going out of my way to find romantic love. At least, not at this point, nor, as far as I can tell, in the near future. So, why not just be patient?
I honestly stymie myself with my reactivity, because I have SO MUCH other junk going on in my life, that sometimes, I truly am thankful for his withdrawal, except for the implication, and that's what gets me. lol.
Last edited by LuvsMeLuvsMeNot; 05/31/1004:14 PM. Reason: clarity
I'd like to ask this, though maybe it deserves its own thread...
About the claim that we marry our parent or ex, or someone with whom we have unfinished business.
Do you ever wonder if that is a an old wives tale?
When we get with someone new, we ARE going to try to work on past issues. Shouldn't that be a given? We can do a lot in the context of friendships, but we need a romantic partner to do it with the things specific to romantic love.
But it won't matter WHO we are with, some of the same issues will certainly arise.
Let me use my current guy as an example: he's expressed fear that I would get bored. I assume this is something a woman told him. She was bored, she moved on...without him. In talking with a friend, I asked her, "How can I be different, respond differently, when I'm being given the same few options as everyone before me?"
Perhaps that tells you something about me: I don't back down from a challenge? Crap...
I noticed this the other night when my friend and I were in a phone call, and she said, "Maybe you're just being filtered from his life. It's okay if you can't handle his withdrawal. Don't be too hard on yourself." I have very wise friends. My response?
"When you say that, I feel myself saying, 'BULL! If anyone can do this, I CAN!" WTH? I told her that, too, and she said that I need to be careful not to wear myself down. And maybe therein lies the rub, because my life is so hectic, I just don't have the energy or enough ME to spread myself that thinly.
This is one of the reasons backing off to "just friends" with him was somewhat of an attractive option. I expressed those intentions to him, before my conversation with my friend, and to my delight, it was one of her suggestions. That helped me know I was on the right track.
Okay, I have some things I need to run and do. Thank you, SO MUCH for your replies. I want to stick around and read, but life calls. lol.
The book I'm listening to (Terrence Real, 'The New Rules of Marriage') says we choose someone who's patterns of relating, communicating, expressing emotion etc are not only: - similar enough to the ones we experienced growing up that caused us problems, because that is what we know and are 'used to' - and yet different enough that it becomes the 'crucible' upon which we are capable of changing or resolving those problems.
I don't know where I sit on the whole thing, just thought that had been an interesting way of looking at it so thought I'd share! Don't have a lot of time this morning but just wanted to stop by and say hello, see how you're doing. Take care! PG.
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
The second thought is fantastic! Not saying it's true, but what a hopeful outlook!
Yah I thought that was interesting too! Thanks for your post today, just wanted to stop by and return the support! And by all means, no worries about bringing up the possibility of abuse. I'm glad you had the courage to voice your opinion. Anyways I'm pretty much pie-eyed from the hours I've put in this week. I think there's a G&T calling my name again. Take care, will catch up with you later! PG.
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
) 
Okay, that didn't flesh out either, until later. lol.