Hope

[MarkG]

I used to frequent this board but had to take off for a while. I'm a compulsive person and I became obsessive about checking this site, and it enabled my thoughts of my sitch to continue to the point it was unhealthy. I remembered what I saw here and started applying it and it did quite a lot of good. The short version of my story is I have long-term career-related mild depression that was worsened by events in my life. My WAW is bipolar and has borderline personality disorder. Things are finally starting to turn around in most aspects of my life, and even in what I thought was a hopeless sitch even my W has shown some improvements. First let me specify what was & wasn't working: there are 2 versions of detaching, and when they say on this forum that if you only detach on the surface your WAS will use that to eat you alive they aren't kidding. My W knew I wasn't detached and played on that. It's when I truly detached (by not coming on these forums and keeping my head filled with the thoughts of how to get her back) that I was able to better myself and let her know what life without me is like. I quit answering her phone calls, texts, emails, etc. until she got upset and filed divorce papers. I got a laugh out of that because she didn't file them right, but I figured that could play to my advantage later. I still ignored her requests to sign papers, and now 2 weeks later I actually had her begging for me to talk to her, and not even about the divorce. She left a voicemail nearly crying, begging me to read a poem on her myspace:

Healed
I have from the internal wounds caused. I am free of the pain we once inflicted on each other. My heart still thinks of you and part of it misses you. You never degraded me to a designated driver or said we are working on making a life together. You never felt ashamed to admit I was yours. I give chances to those I care for but I know I may get hurt. You are always there when I need you . I don't want to make you feel like the fall back person I just want your friendship for now. If you can change things I am willing to work out because I still have love for you. I am healed and just waiting for you to heal too.

Knowing this could be bs, and not taking anything for truth, I wrote her back in private but didn't say much of anything other than that I had been busy with school and work both at the same time. She then wrote me this letter and managed to hand-deliver it to my bedroom with OM and my parents both around while they were picking up the kids:

I am sorry for all the pain I have caused. I willing to begin building trust with you. I would leave OM if I had somewhere else to go. Once I have a job I am going to start to save up for my own place and a car. I am asking you to put our differences aside so we can build a friendship for now. I would like for you to read my poem on myspace. I think after you read it you will understand my new self and realize my heart and mind are thinking right again. I am not expecting to jump into anything but I want you to be part of my life again in any shape or form even if it is only friends.

Love,
W

That's still a long way from piecing, and I'm not entirely convinced of anything yet, but that's an amazing change from the demands from her to sign the D papers only 2 weeks ago. The "L word" shocked me at the end. Now I really know what people here meant by "go dark". Go so dark you are near non-existent, if not completely non-existent. My letter back to her completely sums up where I'm at:

I have always loved you & always will. I don't know where this leaves us. You told me I need to heal, & you were right, but I have by now. The only problem is there are really only 2 ways to do that. 1 is fixing the problems by working through them, & the other is walking away. I had to do 1 of them. At first I wasn't signing the divorce papers because I was avoiding them, but after a while it was only because I didn't have the time (lie - I still didn't want to sign because I'm unsure of what I want and don't want to do anything permanent either way). Other than getting the divorce papers the part that really changed my mind was going back & thinking about marriage itself (even though the 1 part was a lie, this part did come to mind more than a few times). Wedding vows include saying that we will be there no matter what, even when things get as shitty as they did. It makes me wonder if you really feel that way or not, but then again I still do believe in every word I said on the altar, so I can't just walk away either. I think being friends right now would be nice, but anything else I don't know what to think yet. I'll probably be moving out of town soon because I just graduated from tech. I have 3 apps in (town 70 miles away), 2 in (town 280 miles away), & a few out of state. I can't stay here any longer. I'm going nowhere & eventually it's going to ruin me. I want nothing more than to go back to how things used to be or even better fast forward to where we could have been by now if everything had gone perfectly, but now I don't even know how to get there.

I left the bottom of the page unsigned. I definitely didn't want to include the "L word" in my letter casually like that. I may have even gone too far with the first sentence of the letter, but at least the rest clarifies and doesn't lead her on. So I'm stuck at a point where I have to try to decide her motives. Her and OM's lives are sinking fast. Neither has a job, they're losing their apartment soon, and the honeymoon is over. I have to find out if I'm the backup plan or if she's truly going through some revelation. I'll keep posting her letters, hopefully someone with some more experience can read between the lines in them. I seem to be quite forgiving when people don't deserve it. Thanks for reading so far.

[newmama]

Here is my reservation: OM is in the picture. She said she would leave him if she had another place to go. True?


What actions will she put in place? I am surprised you didn't say in your letter that she needs to ditch OM before you could even think of being friends with her.

Now it would be wise for you to just continue carrying on and not making any more efforts to reach out to her or communicate with her! And do you know what you want her to do in order to consider reconciliation?

We all know talk is cheap! Believe nothing they say and 50% of what you see- so letters aren't enough!

[Lotus]

For such a young couple, you certainly have a lot of children! That caught my eye more than the love stuff, sorry. I think she is sorry, and I think falling on bad times with OM plays a part in that. Some people say she has to come back for the right reasons. I'm not hardline on that. She has to really want to come back, that is, want it enough to change. But I think people can reconcile for practical reasons, such as a decent lifestyle and a home for children, and later find the love. You should consider going to a Retrouvaille weekend before you two make any commitments to each other, or to other people. Healing as a couple can happen. Check the website, www.helpourmarriage.org to see when there is a Retrouvaille weekend near you and ask her to go with you. It will help both of you to figure out what you really want.

[MarkG]

It's hard to say if she'd leave OM if she had the chance, but at the moment I tend to believe that. She has nowhere else to turn right now because she burned all her bridges. I won't take her in either, not even as a roommate. She has no job and no car, so she's going to have to try really hard to find that 1 last friend who's not angry with her. I'm willing to be friends even with OM in the picture, at least in the sense that I'll let her have my company, and all this will do is create jealousy in OM. He's the one who will make her choose, which will just push him farther away. As far as for R talks I had a list of what I needed her to do to feel comfortable, but now I'm going about it more relaxed. It's seeming to work better and I still remember what on the list was most important to me.

I found this site from a link from our diocese's Retrovaille page so I'm familiar with it, but only enough to know generally what it is. I am far from ready to go to a weekend. I'll have to check the listings again, but as a minimum she must not be dating or living with OM before attending a Retrouvaille. I'll go so far as to ask mutual friends if she can crash on the couch to possibly speed up the process, but past that I'm doing no favors either.