Quoting Owen:Do you have a heavy bag or some way of releasing your anger?
Well, I work out three days a week and have Yoga one day/week. It helps. If I went and worked out every time I got upset the last couple of weeks, I'd be a candidate for the Mr. Universe contest!
Quoting KAW:Its all about keeping in balance. Tip the scale too much one way or the other is not healthy. You do have to process your pain so you can find acceptance and forgiveness, but it must not consume you. Take breathers (using a mantra or whatever works for you) in order to avoid feeling beat up or burned out. When you feel tire of the sitch, its time to allow yourself to refreshen & strengthen your PMA so you can work through it some more with less danger of becoming overwelmed by it.
Yes, I agree that it's critically important for me to do something productive when I'm feeling "tired." I really reached that yesterday and truly wondered whether I could continue with the circus that's been my life for some time. Like many others, for a year I gave and gave and gave while my W took, then I found DB and redoubled my efforts. I am feeling a little worn and need to revitalize myself.
I did want to say, KAW, because I thought you'd be interested, that my W was trying to be more optimistic with me yesterday when I wasn't feeling too encouraged. Interesting, huh? This morning she actually said, "we owe it to the kids to give it a go, and we owe it to each other." I was so happy to hear that she was focusing on our R and not just "doing the right thing because of the kids" (which has kind of been my manta on the BB lately). She also started Love Languages last night per my request. She's trying, KAW, she is. And I will regain my optimism for the both of us. I'm just afraid of getting hammered once again.
I'm scared because she's lived many years thinking that we've always been better friends than anything else. We had the "fire" for those two years when we dated in highschool, but it really has not existed since (for her). She says "we were babies" when we got M (M at 21 and 22), and were so young in highschool that we didn't really know which way was up. So, her point is that the "love" we felt in highschool was very immature, and from what I can gather "unreal." I don't know if anyone else has had a simliar sitch on the board with the highschool sweatheart, and such, in the sense that I'm talking about. But, I have to say, given what she says, and it doesn't seem like a WAW, that these are truly her feelings. How can I deny her feelings? How can I say they are not true, or that they are exaggerated because she's going through a hard time? How can I change them? I have a hard time, given what she's said, that we'll be able to overcome this. For most people, it's about rekindling the passion they had as adults that drove them to get M. For us, it seems a little different...there's more a friendly comfort there than any "fire." BUT I FEEL THE FIRE!
She also told me yesterday that she didn't feel this "love" for the OM that she thinks she should feel for someone. I asked if she thinks such a thing exists or maybe it's just not possible to have what she thinks she expects. She just said, she "knew" what she should be feeling...but has never felt that way about anyone before. Hmmm...not sure how to process that...
Quoting KAW:Jethro, please take what I write as words of caution meant only to avoid hitting anymore pitfalls than you have to.
I know, KAW, I appreciate your insights.
Abby, thanks very much for your thoughts also. I liked your analogy. I do need a break.
just read your recent post and wanted to let you know you are not alone. h and I met while I was in high school and he in college. (16 and 19) WOW! so basically you could say we are in the same boat only difference being h thought he did (and hell may still think) that he did have those "special" feelings for ow, that it was the way it was "supposed" to be with her....
you get the point?
matters not the dreamy little scenario w has in her mind of what a r is supposed to be after all you are no longer "babies" right?
Quote: she's said, that we'll be able to overcome this
Quote: "we owe it to the kids to give it a go, and we owe it to each other."
ok, are you sure your w and my h aren't talking to each other???
Quoting jethro: To be honest, yesterday I was thinking that I wanted to just end it because it's so painful, I've already been through the ringer, and I still have got a long way to go with only minor hope for success.
Dear Jethro,
I hate to hear you so discouraged. You have so much going for the two of you! It's just that you are going through the roughest time you have ever faced together (and will ever face, I hope). But from an outsider's perspective, your situation does look so hopeful!
Has your W continued to read DR? I wonder how realistic her definition of lasting, committed love is? (does she watch a lot of chick flicks?). And does she know that love is a decision? I think she must know these things, because although she sounds somewhat tentative at times, she is doing all the right things to nurture your R now.
Quote: I'm scared because she's lived many years thinking that we've always been better friends than anything else.
Don't underestimate the power of friendship. It is a very powerful thing. Deep down, she knows that you will always be there for her, no matter what. You've definitely proven that in recent weeks. J, she's just as confused as you are right now. You CAN get the passion back. There are so many ways of doing it, if you are both willing. And that's the real beauty of it. YOU ARE BOTH WILLING!!
Find a sitter, and you two go out and do something nutty. Something you haven't done since you were kids. Are there any drive-in movies around where you live? Or maybe even something as stupid as a water balloon fight. Something to show her that the fun Jethro is still in there, and those feelings she once had will come back. It's going to take time, and the patience thing is so hard. But you can do it!!
Jim
I know God won't give me anything I can't handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much.
Morning, You've got to feed wood to a fire to get it going. Find out what that fuel is. Same in my sitch, I'm at a loss as what to throw on the embers. Gasolione will pput out the last spark as will a large log. I write alot in metaphores because it my way of relateing women's ideas to men's. Iknow their is an ember in my W. When you nurse the ember it will turn to flame.
I sent a "thinking of you" card to her. Pressed a small flower in it and wrote "I wanted to give you a smile today."
Next I put a postit inside her medicaine cabnet when I picked up the kids and wrote " Good Morning sunshine! Just a little note from me. Hope you have a great day!"
Find a way to release you anger NOW! Every time you let her see it in you and effecting you, your pissing on that fire. Even when you think that you have done everything and are frustrated, you must push yourself to go alittle further and find new things the feed the fire with. Those damn heart flames are fickled and allways change what they want to feed on. I see now that those roses I sent W pissed out that fire. (Remember, she filed the next day) So smile at her, look longingly at her make her a cup of coffee or tea even though she didn't ask you for one. Get up early and get her a mocca or breakfast before she wakes. Also, remeber a smoldering fire with care will BURST into flame. I hope the same will happen from your efforts.
BTW I saw a book at Barns and Noble, "1001 Romantic ideas", I wanted to get it because I'm a caveman when it comes to love ideas", It has lots of stupid silly "love kindling" ideas in it. I think that you just need the right combonation of fuels to go get her Passion lite!
Remember, I'm just a confused newbie and I would bounce this some of the vets here for a second opinion.
Quoting Umbrella24: You CAN get the passion back. There are so many ways of doing it, if you are both willing. And that's the real beauty of it. YOU ARE BOTH WILLING!!
Bingo! I think Umbrella has an excellent point here. I know my H and I used to love to go out dancing when we first started dating. Of course we stopped going out once the kids came along (big mistake). A few years ago, we went out dancing again (it was "retro" night, so it was the same music we had danced to when we were dating), and it really connected us. I now think if we invested more into maintaining that connection, my H would still be here. It would be worth thinking about what kinds of things you did together early on that you really enjoyed, and maybe haven't done lately.
I also agree that it is very important that you are friends. What better basis for a good loving relationship?
Guys, thanks so much for coming by. The last few days have been especially difficult. It's because I think that this whole sitch hit me Thursday...and that I'd been walking in a somewhat shocked daze up until then. Had an interesting conversation last night, but will post that soon.
Quoting LL: ok, are you sure your w and my h aren't talking to each other???
Maybe they are... Nice to know that my sitch is not unique in terms of starting young. Basically, my W and I were 15 and 16 when we met, but were good friends for a while before actually dating (although I always had a thing for her during that time).
Quoting RJJ:Has your W continued to read DR? I wonder how realistic her definition of lasting, committed love is? (does she watch a lot of chick flicks?). And does she know that love is a decision? I think she must know these things, because although she sounds somewhat tentative at times, she is doing all the right things to nurture your R now.
She has not finished DR; however, she did read the infidelity chapter. If I asked her to read it though, I think she would. I did get her to start reading Love Languages because it talks about how love is a choice and that we have to continuously work on that choice. BTW, she is into "romantic comedies" but I think does not hold very many illusions about it. I would almost say, I'm more of a hopeless romantic than she...
Quoting Jim:Don't underestimate the power of friendship. It is a very powerful thing. Deep down, she knows that you will always be there for her, no matter what. You've definitely proven that in recent weeks. J, she's just as confused as you are right now. You CAN get the passion back. There are so many ways of doing it, if you are both willing. And that's the real beauty of it. YOU ARE BOTH WILLING!!
Agreed, Jim. I know that the friendship is an excellent foundation to begin anew. I also see how much more powerful things can be if we both work on them. Just, right now, I feel like we're in a lull because of her A and having to deal with all of those feelings. She hates herself for it and I'm trying to deal with the fact that nothing I can do will change the fact that it happened. I'm trying, but for right now, that's all I can do. Heck, I've only known for two weeks now (for sure anyway, as I'd always suspected).
Quoting J-Ro:BTW I saw a book at Barns and Noble, "1001 Romantic ideas", I wanted to get it because I'm a caveman when it comes to love ideas", It has lots of stupid silly "love kindling" ideas in it. I think that you just need the right combonation of fuels to go get her Passion lite!
Not a bad suggestion, J-Ro. I think she'd appreciate little notes and stuff, but I'm pretty sure her love language is "acts of service" so I'm going to be one busy guy doing the darn housework. Did dishes and vacuumed yesterday in an attempt to touch that "language."
Thanks for your support guys. I'll have to make my post later, as my W just came home from a walk and I think she needs some comforting. I'll also try and catch up on everyone else.
