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Joined: May 2010
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Good question, it seems every answer I have come up with so far, sounds more like an excuse in my mind. I'll have to think about that.

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Well, she removed her "married" status on FB today... Gotta detatch!! Just seems like another step towards D.

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So my friends have been saying they want to de-friend my W on FB. I had been telling them to wait because it would make the situation worse. Well, today I have been working on letting go. I finally told my friends that if they want to, they now can. I also said that their decision has zero impact on our friendship (100% true btw).

One of my friends went a step further and sent her an email un-inviting her from a surprise party for my friends W. She told my W that she has had a really hard time watching me suffer as my W walked away, and was concerned that if she (my friend) had a few drinks then she would probably say some bad things and wanted to avoid the awkwardness. My W replied saying that my friend didn't know the whole sitch but she understood if she didn't want to be friends anymore. For the record, my friend knows the whole sitch, I don't hold back with my friends, and this particular friend of mine, has no problem telling me if I'm being stupid (which she has, on several occasions).

My W then begins calling me while I'm at work, I don't answer, it's a violation of NC. She calls again, I don't answer. The W then sends me a txt asking if I'm ignoring her for any special reason. I tell her I'm busy and ask if it's urgent, she says yes. So I reply and say please email. The W replies: "Call", and I do not call or reply. The W then calls later while I am on the bus, I do not answer. She sends a txt asking "is this how it's going to be?" I reply and say that I don't like talking while on the bus (very true and I have told her this before, ESPECIALLY for such a personal convo), I said she is probably upset b/c I didn't answer, and she has every right to be upset. And that no, this is not how it's going to be.

The W has not replied. Perhaps she will call when off work, or email. My assumption is that she is fired up over this exchange with my friend and is most likely looking to take it out on me and demand a D (out of hurt & anger). My friend could have been kinder, but that's her, she's blunt like I said.

Any advice on how I should handle this now? Our agreement (which she changed 2 weeks into the S) is decision by 6/18/10. If she says she wants a D now, not only will she be going back on our agreement again, but she has violated NC several times today.

And the main reason I told my friends this, is b/c I am letting go. I'm not making decisions just to make her happy. And to be honest, this is just a fraction of the reality of D. It has a giant blast radius! For the most part, I have been trying like crazy to make her happy, and in the process becoming insane!

Please, any thoughts or advice welcome!

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When you call her back (and I stress...when YOU call her on your time) and she starts griping about your friends, just tell her that you don't control what your friends do. They do what they want.

Then tell her you've got to run to meet someone or tell her you have another call on the line.

And that's it.

Keep the momentum going.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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Thanks MrBond! I will keep it short and have an "out" (and make sure I'm telling the truth, no more lies!).

And thanks everyone again for you opinions, once I have my DB legs ready, I will start pitching in! Don't want to lead anyone astray!

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Well that convo did not go well. But at least I didn't expect it would. I told her several times that we shouldn't be discussing R, as she was upset. She basically said that she doesnt need any more time. D is what she wants. She sees no reason in waiting any longer. She is done. I'm sure some of it was said out of hurt, but I really get the impression that this is all over. It's just a self-fulfilling prophecy at this point. She thinks I am out talking trash about her and trying to make her out to be the bad guy. When I try to tell her that I am not, and I can't control what my friends say, she doesn't believe me. I told her that I didn't blame her due to my lying, I validated as much as I could. I told her I wanted more time so I could at least accept her decision to D.

She finally agreed to give me until 6/18. But she says nothing will change her mind. And that on that day we will be signing and filing. I have barely spoken with her lately. We did talk a bit the nxt day, she said that we are mature enough to talk now, when needed. I have sent her a funny light txt here and there. Sometimes she replies, but is always brief, rarely has anything to add, but I haven't been pushing.

Today though, I got a reply from a txt I sent on Sunday. I replied and one thing I said was that she looked beautiful when I saw her on Saturday (picked up my dog). Her reply was "haha thanks". But then I messed up at one point and said I felt awkward texting her sometimes because she didn't reply. She got annoyed and said she couldn't always reply. I stopped texting at that point, just backed off. Hopefully it's a good thing that she still gets upset, sounds pathetic for me to say that, but there is at least some emotion there I guess. Mainly, it just seems like she will only see the bad in what I do. We were supposed to start hanging out nxt weekend (loosly what we agreed on) but I haven't asked her, especially not now. Any thoughts out there?

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At this point I'm considering just going dark. I no longer have the panic, I'm eating again, getting out much more, visiting family & friends, heck I'm finally going to do my first open mic poetry reading soon (something I have wanted to do for years!!). My question is this: what is the best way to go dark? What has killed me is that I know my M can be saved, obviously I disagree with the D. I want this to be communicated as a rejection to her, but respectful and graceful. She is very much in the fog right now and persuing a self-fulfilled prophecy where I cannot change and can't do anything right. Thoughts on how to initiate going dark?

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Been a while since I posted. The W continues to say that we will D no matter what. She has concluded that she can never trust me again. To be honest, I don't blame her, I lied to her so many times about smoking and other things. This would be far from my second chance. She says she would be a fool to take me back after how much I betrayed her. Again, I don't blame her, but it doesn't make me love her any less. Her bottom line is that we both need to work on ourselves and would be no good together right now. I actually agree with this, so far, I am in much better physical shape, my relationship with my son has improved greatly, I mostly have quit drinking coffee (cigs are nxt), and I read my Bible and pray daily. So while it's hard to argue with her point here, I still don't want to D. I know that one day we could be perfect for each other after a lot of soul-searching and self improvement. And with my religious beliefs, I cannot agree with a D under these circumstances.

Here is what throws me. I have fallen off the DB wagon a few times this week, starting fights with her (so she will at least talk to me... yeah..bad), I have greatly frustrated her. But at the end of it all, she still wants to be friends. Also, she agreed to wait until 6/18/10 to file which is what we had agreed for the end of the separation, at one point she wanted to file ASAP (but she was angry and I talked her out of it). But even after I anger her to the point of her not wanting to talk, she tells me she will still respect my wish to wait until 6/18.. Ok I'm not sure if that's good or bad. From reading these boards I have seen where all of a sudden the WAW gets trigger shy. Anyone have a take on this? Any WAWs out there with some perspective? Should this scare me? I really don't know how to take it, seems like such a contradiction. We can still talk and laugh, we can still get along unless the R talk starts, then it's downhill quick (so yeah.. stop it dummy? right?) Just dunno what to think frown

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