We're all discussing an interesting point that we really couldn't have talked about a while ago because we hadn't yet reached a point of perspective. But now - with me in my tenth year after the bomb - I think I can sit in a place of judgement and some understanding.
When Chuck left he said "You deserve a man who truly loves you". I thought that so odd and hurtful because I thought he was that man. He certainly told me that right up to the end. "Love Always" on every single card. He wanted to renew our marriage vows for our 25th (a month before he moved out). But it was all a sham. Or was it? I often think he was one very torn man. Who might not have been so torn if a certain OW hadn't stepped in where she shouldn't have - with a married man.
But that's all water under the bridge now. I think some of his problems revolved around addiction and his love of the bottle. Watching Dr Phil today with that rescued DJ and his drinking and cheating problems really hit home with me. How he treated his wife and kids. Shameful!
It's weird that 6 weeks ago I was forced into a sudden emotional crisis with my ex. And we dropped the anger and the walls and did what was best for our son. And we spent long hours together in the same room and I didn't feel the urge to claw his eyes out. And I introduced him to my man. A REAL man. One who steps up to the plate - who loves a woman the way she deserves to be loved. With respect and decency and concern for her welfare and that of her children - even though they are not his children. He was there for me and my kids because he loves me. That is a REAL man.
Anyway - tangent...
Interesting that you refer to your new woman as your rebound. Hmmm... Interesting that you recognize that...
Yes Barb she is but I do love her. It's complicated but I am waiting to see what happens with us.
I actually broke up with her when I realized that her problems would come between us but we keep coming back to each other. I am taking it slow with her and most of our differences have been resolved. A rebound relationship is not always a bad thing and it can blossom into something more.
As terrible as this sounds, I look at my GF and wish that my XW was as loving and caring as she is. I would still be married. It's like you said though, some people do not know how to love. Like you I was blinded by my own love for my wife. I am smarter now, although you would not know it from some of my actions these past 12 months.
Me:48 W:55 M:22 T:23 Bomb:19Nov09 S:15Jan10 D:11Feb10 EA:Confirmed on 20Apr10 Fast track to her divorcing me
Only time will tell what will happen with you and your gf. You'll just have to check your happiness radar on a regular basis and go with it.
As for mistakes - trust me - I made tons of them, especially in the first 2 years after ex left. But it is from the mistakes that we learn the most. I had to do the work, make some changes, accept some things I didn't like and dig up the courage to move on. I have no regrets.
I guess we can call if LIFE. Not one of us knows where we're headed - we just have to go with the flow.
Found out something new about divorces that I had no clue about.
I filed for homestead exemption on our home 24 years ago. What I did not know was that since I now own the home all by myself, I had to re-file my exemption again. Just food for thought. Glad they sent me the form otherwise I would have had to pay a lot more on property taxes next year.
Still no contact with my XW. I did read on one of her classmates.com blogs that she has a friend named Jxxxxx who like to golf in Salado. The thought of her having a boyfriend sickens me still. And what about her EA in Florida? Did she give up on him because he is still married? I know I should not care but I do.
And being the hypocrit that I am, I do still have my own GF. That's a whole other story there. Still lots of drama in her life. One thing that I had to do was tell her that I did not want her old lovers and ex boyfriends to call her when we are together on weekends. She tells me they have to call regarding child support payment issues or are just friends now. That is a load of BS because I know that is just an excuse they and she uses. She even call one of them "baby" in front of me. I said WTF? and she said it was out of habbit and they are now friends and he is married. Yeah OK! As if that stops anybody now days.
Do you guys think it is too unreasonable for me to set up a boundry of her talking to other guys when we are on dates etc? Or am I just showing my own insecurity?
Me:48 W:55 M:22 T:23 Bomb:19Nov09 S:15Jan10 D:11Feb10 EA:Confirmed on 20Apr10 Fast track to her divorcing me
You are dating a "loose" woman. She doesn't appear to have a lot of morals or ethics. You know this yet you still want to be with her. You are getting in deeper the longer you are in it and will continue to be sucked into this drama. The fact you don't want your ex to be with anyone tells that you are not ready to move forward and continue to use a "bandaid". But that is your choice. If you feel you deserve better - then choose better.
My opinion is that you are not ready to be dating yet. You are in that desperate, needy and "someone please validate me" place where we have all been. Seriously, would you have ever put up with the kind of crap she's doing to you in your younger years? I doubt it. You shouldn't have to set a boundary, she should have enough class and respect for you to not even talk on the phone when you are together!
How long have you spent by yourself just getting to know yourself again? I mean with no emotional drama from a new female? The odds of a rebound lasting are not in your favor, btw.
I agree 150% with Barb. If you feel you deserve better, choose better. Otherwise, be happy with your choices.
Me 55 H 49 Married 21 years No kids bomb 5/09 filed 7/09 divorced and moving forward 5/10
You are both right. I have been struggling with this for some time now but I just cant seem to let go.
It's very hard for me because even at 48 I have never been alone. This is the first time in my entire life that I am completely alone so even somebody else's drama is sometimes welcome. Even a simple text or phone call can make my day.
Weekends are filled with bbq and beer with brothers and hanging out with my GF. During the week it's simply going to work and coming home to an empty house. Even after a year of doing this it's still haunting and surreal for me to live like this. That is not the life I envisioned or wanted.
I really am trying to make things work with GF. We give each other what we need. I do have a limit as to how much drama I will take and I will not continue puting up with her constant contact with ex-this and ex-that. I have already told her that this may eventually end our ralationship if it continues. It's really her choice.
I really hate to say it but I think we have fallen into a comfortable FWB type relationship. But she still hints at wanting more. If she wants more then she will need to deep six the drama and stop talking to her old lovers and XH completely. That is my boundry and I know she wont go for that. We will see.
If we end it, then I will stop dating completely until I am in a better place with being alone. I am in no big hurry to get remarried but lonely people tend to gravitate towards each other. I'm a classic example of that. That's human nature I guess.
Me:48 W:55 M:22 T:23 Bomb:19Nov09 S:15Jan10 D:11Feb10 EA:Confirmed on 20Apr10 Fast track to her divorcing me
But I have already put my foot down with regard to talking to her X and old boyfriends etc and she has agreed to not do it.
Or at least she does not do it while Im around. She knows I have trust issues because of my XW so it really is up to her to maintain the silence. We actually broke up because she forgot to tell me her X was in town and she met with him. I had to impress upon her the fact that not telling me was the same as lying to me since I asked her to tell me when he was in town etc.
If she doesn't respect my boundry I will no longer be her lover. I set that boundry to protect myself and she is respecting it right now. She has given me a similar boundry that I am respecting for her so it's give and take.
We will see how this pans out. Sometimes she thinks I am an insecure A-hole because of this but she does in fact respect me.
Me:48 W:55 M:22 T:23 Bomb:19Nov09 S:15Jan10 D:11Feb10 EA:Confirmed on 20Apr10 Fast track to her divorcing me
Often when we get into "please validate me" mode we end up with far more than the validation we seek. We end up in difficult situations that are more draining than validating. Search inside and make sure you are getting what you need from this, if not then move on. Being alone isn't so bad, you don't have to put the toilet seat down and lots of other neat stuff!
