Well here I am now. Moved over from DBD

[kat727]

I hate to say it but a lot of it has to do with time. I remember it hit just hit me. I went for a walk and I tried to picture how I wanted my life to be and He wasn't anywhere in it. I saw myself picking up that darn rope and throwing it with almost super human strength far, far away. I haven't looked back.

I treat him as nicely as I would the post man but that is about it. Ok so recent romance to get over. Give me a week and I will probably use the same strategy.


kat

[whatisis]

Ok so recent romance to get over. Give me a week and I will probably use the same strategy.


kat

So Kat, I follow you here and find out that I'm nothing but a rebound! But, aside from that, we're still on for DQ, right?

[g450]

Thanks for the humor whatisis. I needed that.

If I could detach I truly think I would be a happy camper. Well except for the being lonely thing but I am getting used to being on my own. My Son recently moved back in with me temporarily and I have gotten to the point where having him here is sometimes annoying to me LOL. Still love him though. Told him to mow the damn lawn tomorrow since he is off.

I am sorta dating but not really. I have friends that are women. I have one in particular that I want as a FWB but she has already told me I need to get over my XW before I commit to even an FWB relationship. She is right. This whole dating thing gets old quick. Being an old married guy was so much easier and comfortable. But ironically, being comfortable in my marriage is probably what got me into trouble.

Yes I am a rebound with a capitol "R". This is why I need to detach completely (impossible I know). I want to give my next relationship 100% of my heart, body and soul.

But every morning I wake up the first thing that pops in my head is that my Maria is gone and my pulse and heartbeat goes into overdrive with that waking realization. That can't be healthy for me. Maybe I just think too much.

[Glimmerman]

g450

Allow me to give you some encouragement about how you feel, and then a couple of other thoughts.

You have been given some good pointers in this thread, but there is something you need to consider in your grieving process. You were married 2 to 3 times LONGER than many others.

Also, from what I understand, it usually happens earlier for women, but your XW is showing signs of "crisis" type behavior. Dyed hair, looking up old friends, facebook, and the desire to be AWAY from her spouse.

I think I read in one of your posts that she had been planning this for years. Has she? or is she just saying that? Something people in midlife crisis say often is they were "never" happy with their spouse. Another subtle sign of a MLCer is confusion and indecision.

Unfortunately, the best way to deal with someone in a MLC is to give them space. When they are ready, they will come to you. If you go to them, it makes them very angry....and they let you know about it.

[whatisis]

g450, the other thing to remember, if I read this right,is that your separation has not been that long. We often expect that we will just rise up and overcome and skip over the greif and hurt. We guys look for other women who will validate us as men because we feel like we've been immasculated. We fear deep feelings, we're used to being caretakers/fixers not beat up balls of emotion. It takes time to work this all through, take the time and don't freak when you hit a bump in the road. The road will always take you eventually somewhere you want to go if you just follow it.

[whatisis]

Yes I am a rebound with a capitol "R". This is why I need to detach completely (impossible I know). I want to give my next relationship 100% of my heart, body and soul.

But every morning I wake up the first thing that pops in my head is that my Maria is gone and my pulse and heartbeat goes into overdrive with that waking realization. That can't be healthy for me. Maybe I just think too much.

Again, take your time, you sound like you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself to move on and find that new R...don't...stay with what's happening now and grow through it. You'll be better off in the long run!

[kat727]

You are only a rebound if you set yourself up to be.

kat

[g450]

Thanks guys.

That is exactly how I feel. A beat up ball of emotions. I can see now where men our age become more feminine and the women our age become more masculine. Really do not feel like a man at all except on a rare occasion. This is where dating comes to play. Validation from women is what I crave now so you are 100% correct. Whether this is healthy or not I do not know.

Right now I do not see a road in front of me. And I feel that no matter which way I turn it is going to be painful and I may make mistakes.

I do know one thing for certain. I understand that she must be left alone. It's what she wants and needs. But this is the part that is also killing me. I tried to drown all this out with other women and even a drink or 2 but it is only temporary.

I want to love again and I hate being alone.
kat727, I hear you. Ironically there is one woman that absolutely makes me forget everything and makes me happy but she is steadfast in continuing to be single and enjoys that lifestyle. She has commitment issues but values me as a good friend. I do consider myself very lucky to have her in my life though. Had it not been for her being there for me during this whole thing I may very well have dont something stupid.

Thank you for the kind words. I really needed to hear them. This month of NC has been very hard on me and my XW flirting online turns my stomach. I would spend every cent I have to buy myself a IDGAF attitude.

Thanks again.

[kat727]

Sometimes a good friend is what you need. Don't put displaced feelings onto your friend. That is what she is. You are wanting a love relationship, perhaps she could take it up to the next level but don't expect her to commit. Is that what you are looking for?

look real hard.

kat

[g450]

I will be 100% honest with you kat,

What I am looking for is a friend to be there while I ride this thing out and my goal is indiference towards my XW. I have this right now.

But I want to go one notch more than that. I want a FWB. I miss the sex and the emotional connection that comes with it.
Sorry, but I am just a typical man with needs.

Ironically my friend wants almost the same thing. She wants me as a friend but she also enjoys sex. But she wants to date other men and enjoys that lifestyle. Her fear is that having sex with me would endanger our friendship.

I OTOH prefer a monogamouse relationship and she is steadfast against that. So I am forced to look elsewhere for that type of relationship and have no luck so far.

Sorry if I am making this thread turn into a dating one. But since I have NC with XW my life pretty much consists of work, dating and going to clubs occasionally. I do NOT like my lifestyle now. I am working on changing this.